I don’t share aesthetic preferences with my partners. Dream babe likes low tables, enough houseplants to ensure that there is a distinct trace of green and damp soil under the regular house smell; vanilla perfume, smoke, fog seeping in from outside. A balcony, high ceilings. An ever-present bowl of sticky dates on the kitchen countertop. Post arranged in a neat stack. A select few pictures neatly mounted on the walls – mounted, not blu-tacked or hanging haphazardly from a blue ribbon, secured with novelty bulldog clips.
Until six months ago I had no less than four strings of half-working fairy lights looped across the top of my mirror. I think I might be allergic to order – I blutack anything and everything to the walls, there are half-finished pieces of work propped up everywhere, I wake up surrounded by pillows, cushions and two hideous knitted blankets and my houseplants aren’t the glossy, elegant versions my girlfriend favours, they’re hopelessly overgrown and spilling green fronds over my bookcase, my desk, hanging from the ceiling. I aspire to a home that looks like a cross between John Waters’s house and Nick Cave’s womb room with a touch of absurdly wealthy cat lady.
So when I got these plugs from blush in the post, I was overjoyed and she was repulsed. I sent her a picture and she texted back a simple ‘NO’. Well, then.
Despite what dream babe might think of them, they’re the stuff of my daydreams, cute and campy and silly – I feel like I should be starring in some blurry, rose-hued vintage porno when I’m holding them.
You get the idea.
Both the Naughty & Naughtier Candy Heart plugs (could we not have a shorter title, maybe?) are made of firm, buttery silicone and come in two sizes with three colour options – small and large, and yellow, pink, and purple, each with a different message cut into the base. The small naughty candy heart plug clocks in at 5 inches in girth at the widest point, with 4 inches of insertable length, and the naughtier candy heart plug is considerably larger at 6 inches in girth and 4.5 inches of insertable length.