All time favourite Crash Pad Series episodes / pt one

I’ve said it like a thousand times before, but I really love Crash Pad Series. I have cried while watching some Crash Pad scenes – because I see someone whose body looks like mine, because it’s so cute I can’t stand it, because it provokes some weird, visceral response in me where what I’m seeing is like a mirror of what goes down during some intense moments in my own sex life. So what better way to show my love (other than renewing my subscription, which I will be doing when it runs out soon) for Crash Pad than doing a top ten of my favourite episodes?

My favourite scenes normally reflect my favourite things, some of which are – mouth play, lots of skin on skin contact, spankings, stripper heels, caretaker dynamics, hair play, kissing, three fingers, butt stuff, mean femmes, bratty girls, pretty plugs, gags, oral sex for hours, sick/sweet setups (can we take a moment to close our eyes and remember the time Mariah Cherry & Maybelline made a scene that would not look out of place in any given John Waters movie? even Hairspray), furry cuties, latex gloves, and safe, identifiable sex toys. So if you like the sound of any/all of those, I highly, highly recommend you check out the following scenes. For the good of your genitals.

poppycoxsiouxsieq

Episode 146: Siouxsie Q & Poppy Cox

I think, maybe, this might be my very favourite Crash Pad scene. It’s my go-to, as in, sometimes I watch it just because I love it so much – not because I want to get off, but just because I’m bored or I can’t decide what to watch next on Netflix or because I want to look at something cute and videos of baby deer just aren’t cutting it. It’s like a piece of performance art, I’m totally not exaggerating. Fucking theatre? Camp eroticism?

For 30 minutes, Siouxsie Q dons a red and white Verruca Salt dress to play the brattiest princess in all the land, whose daddy bought her a brand new dolly to play with – Poppy Cox, with an apron full of clothespins and the cutest mop of yellow hair I’ve ever seen. Features someone getting spanked with a jumbo sized multicoloured funfair lollipop, giggly kissing, hilarious facial expressions, lots of affectionate cuddles…aaaand glittery polka dot labia. She comes with ALL the good parts, does Poppy.

joeylyric

Episode 173: Lyric Seal and Joey Minx

When I saw this scene had gone live, I literally shrieked. Like, Lyric Seal! Joey Minx! Lipstick play! I’m gonna put this one down to having weird gender feelings about makeup and weird ‘uh oh I don’t think I’m meant to be feeling this’ feelings whenever I’d go to sleepovers as a gawky teenager and we’d give each other makeovers, but having someone put on my makeup really does it for me. It’s so intimate! Lipstick application as foreplay 5ever.

Aside from the sex, something I really like about this scene is that both performers are just so charming. Lyric is really fucking funny – their other scene with J-Bird is excellent – and Joey has this dreamy sly fox look that makes them look like they’re up to no good. Except when they are doing good, of course; like when they use the Hitachi on Lyric, or choke them with a silicone cock, or write their name in the offending lipstick on Lyric’s chest, interspersed with biting and kissing and licking.

sadielillianne

Episode 145 – Sadie Lune & Lillianne Lane

Sadie Lune is like the sugar mama I wish I had. She’s that kind of strict, ‘I-love-you-but-I-know-what’s-best-for-you’ motherly, executes everything she does with surgical precision and wears this beautiful forest green dress with a drapey neckline paired with blue socks with strawberries printed on them – I can’t tell if I want to be her or sit on her lap or have her top me? All three?

There’s a definite caretaker/little girl vibe going on here; Lillianne’s a sugary sweet, desperate to please good girl – at several points she just replies with ‘whatever makes you happy’ to Sadie’s ‘what do you want?’ and you get to watch Sadie belly laugh and question her on that – ‘so if I were to leave, right now, just leave you hanging, you’d be happy?’. There’s a jewelled plug involved (can you tell that’s kind of my thing yet?), plenty of spankings, a Vixskin Maverick and screaming, shouting orgasms that’ll have your ears ringing.

daisyodile

Episode 160 – Daisy Ducati & Odile

A speculum! Jewelled plugs! Synchronised Hitachi-ing! This scene has everything. According to Odile’s character bio, they and Daisy are real-life lovers and this is definitely reflected in this scene as they seem to be almost eerily in tune with each other.

Daisy has these incredible knee high vinyl boots on for the first part of this episode, which leads us into some devoted heel licking, straight into strap-on fucking with an amazing harness that I’ve lusted after forever (here, look, it’s beautiful), a Crystal Delights plug, a steel plug with a clear crystal, speculum play – something that I’ve never seen used before, and if I was curious before then I’m raring to go now – and yes, synchronised Hitachi-ing while simultaneously using dildos. All while wearing latex gloves. Phew.

kylieoliver

 Episode 134 – Kylie Liddell & Oliver Hyde

Omg omg omg omg omg guys, I love this scene. Kylie’s just so pretty, thoroughly angelic with curly blonde hair and roses in her cheeks, and Oliver’s like a shy, geeky Hufflepuff, complete with argyle socks held up by sock garters. SOCK GARTERS. Turns out that Kylie has a tongue sharper than the tips of my tweezers and Oliver’s a true masochist. Who knew?

Oliver gets his shit completely fucked up throughout this scene – stripey clothespins, a crop, a strapon, the ever-present Hitachi and a ballgag all get put to use, and there’s lots of breathplay and degrading, condescending dirty talk. The behind the scenes segment for this episode is really interesting too, and I recommend watching it – turns out that Oliver hasn’t put things in his pussy for three years, and this scene was shot a month before he had top surgery, so in Kylie’s words, they’re ‘thoroughly abusing, and appreciating them before they go’. It certainly worked out well.

Part two’ll be coming up shortly, and it’s been SO MUCH WORK to narrow down to just ten episodes out of 174 or so. So hard. So difficult, watching all that excellent porn, occasionally stopping to crack out the pure wand, my beloved Touch, and a pot of tea…pity party for one, anyone? In the meantime, I strongly suggest buying yourself a Crash Pad Series membership so you can debate the merits of your favourite scenes with me, and also support a really great cause and some brilliant people.

Review – Tenga Iroha mini (sora-mikan)

iroI wanted to love the iroha mini so hard.

It’s cute! It’s tiny! It’s body-safe, discreet, and easy to travel with because it looks absolutely nothing like a sex toy and the battery’s easy to remove. It’s relatively quiet, ridiculously cheap and waterproof. It comes in colours other than pink and purple. So far, so good, right?

I received the sora-mikan colour scheme, which is the one I was hoping for as it combines two of my favourite colours – a chalky sky blue on the bottom, and a juicy tangerine upper half. The bottom half’s made from ABS plastic and the top half from elastomer, which I don’t really get the point of – both surfaces feel pretty much exactly the same and the elastomer doesn’t make a huge difference concerning softness, plus this means I can’t use oil or silicone based lubricants with it. Boo.

Read More

Review – Give Lube Aqua gel, Raspberry Kiss, and Silicone+

givelubeThe lovely people over at Give Pleasure sent me a parcel full of lubes ‘n’ things to review a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been putting it off because I’ve had the crashing realisation that I’m terrible at reviewing lube. How do you describe the texture of a liquid without actually being able to grab someone’s hand and go ‘here, touch it, feeeeeeeeel it, revel in it’? There’s only so many times you can say ‘slippery’ before everyone figures out that you’ve run out of words. Luckily for me, I ended up having a broad range of experiences with them, so all is not lost and I managed to write about them without breaking down or using ‘slick’  a hundred times.

Read More

Review – Tenga iroha Sakura & Yuki

squishies

The Irohas are obnoxiously adorable. Plush and palm-sized, they look like minimalist animations come to life and come in three different varieties – sakura (cherry blossom), midori (a little green thing. a leaf? a pear?), and yuki (snowman), each intended for a different purpose.

Getting the kind of stimulation I prefer out of vibrators is difficult for me; the one external vibe I’ve found so far that rivals my fingers is the We-Vibe Touch, thanks to that scoop shape it’s got going on. It’s like surround sound for my clit! I just wish it was softer because I like a shitton of pressure and pushing that scoop against my clit for twenty minutes feels great at the time, but then I wind up with bruised inner labia and that’s not fun. The Irohas, I think, seem to be aimed more at pinpoint stimulation using their respective tips, using a light touch to take full advantage of the silky soft ‘skin’.

Read More

My sleepover toolkit: basics edition

I love sleepovers. Sexy kind, non-sexy kind, whatever, I don’t care! I’ll quite happily sleep on the floor under a musty holey blanket if I get to watch films and stuff my face with peach gummies and do sleepover activities, like plaiting other people’s hair, or painting each other’s nails, or playing a game of spin the bottle that eventually devolves into an orgy. For sexy sleepovers, I generally take a little toolkit with me; a small box or makeup bag with some essentials in it. There’s no expectation, but it’s useful more often than not and even if your plans fall through you can always race your vibrators. What’s not to like?

 

clubey

ESSENTIALS – LUBE & PROTECTION

A. Condoms! I’m cheap and luckily don’t have a latex sensitivity, so I just carry around the ones you get given at NHS walk-in clinics over here. I normally opt for the flavoured kind cause I’m fancy, although they all taste fairly awful. One size fits most and you can also do a quick slit ‘n’ snip to make a dental dam. #glamlyf

B. Give Pleasure came up with the genius idea of 10ml Lubeshots – aqua is around £1 a shot, while silicone+ is slightly more pricey – that are PERFECT for sleepovers. While convenient, single serve portions can get messy; you know when you only need half the amount and then you have to find a place to put your oozy lube tube and you go back for it for round two and it’s glopped all over your petit bonbon’s most treasured record sleeve/t-shirt/tchotchke? If you’re a mucky pup like me, Give also make pocket-sized 30ml mini tubes of their aqua and silicone+ that retail for around £4-6. You’re welcome.

C. Yes oil-based lube is my current favourite lubricant. As someone who used coconut oil as lube for a long, long time, this is pretty much like that, but it feels more…luxurious? and I prefer the texture of Yes to the texture of raw coconut oil. It’s amaaaazing for butt stuff and comes in a teeny weeny 25ml bottle that’s smaller than a lighter. And it’s flat enough to tuck into your bra/socks for seriously stealthy sex missions. And it works well as a lip & nail treatment. However, like all oil-based lubes, it’s incompatible with latex condoms.

Honourable mentionSliquid Silk Organics is ideal for piv sex due to the uncannily ‘natural’ feeling texture and I almost never need to reapply, but the bottle’s rotund, a bit bulky, and takes up too much room in my everyday bag. Sorry babe. See you in the deluxe edition.

vbey

 EXTERNAL VIBES

A. The Iroha Yuki might be the least ergonomic of the three, but it’s especially reassuring in it’s gentle puffy squishiness, packs a surprising punch for something that looks like an adorable little cloud, plus it’s made of a magical material that doesn’t attract dust like at all, although I still wouldn’t forego slipping it into a storage bag. The charger, however, is anything but travel friendly, and I’m unsure about the porosity of the Iroha line, which is why both my Irohas are considerably less well-travelled than my Mia 2.

B. The Mia 2 is the lightest, quietest, and most inconspicuous of the three, plus it has a travel lock, so no matter how eventful your journey might be (especially lurch-y tube journeys, night buses, a gropey makeout session) it’s not going to go off and cause you massive amounts of embarrassment in the thirty seconds it takes to find the offending vibrating object, struggle to switch it off, and mutter ‘god, my phone’, all the total disbelief of your fellow passengers. All of whom can totally see your phone right there in your pocket. You can’t even get signal. You’re literally under ground. I find the vibrations more than powerful enough, but I’m no power queen either.

C. The We-Vibe Touch is my favourite and the most intense, and the best shape for keeping in place during penetration but it doesn’t have a travel lock. Although it’s much less susceptible to going off at random than the Tango – I have tested this! – the silicone on the original version attracts a frankly unacceptable amount of fluff; there really is nothing that says ‘I am a highly sexually evolved person’ quite like pulling out a fuzz encrusted silicone appendage. Take a wet wipe. 

Honourable mention: The We-Vibe Tango. It’s small, versatile and beloved by pretty much everyone, but the push-button base makes it too volatile to take with me even if I roll it in layers of socks and force it into a storage bag. Put a travel lock on it and then we’ll talk.

knqqq

OTHER PARAPHERNALIA I DON’T TAKE UNLESS ASKED TO

A. The Dominix cutout paddle from Lovehoney is short and light enough to tuck down the side of my bag, delivers a pleasant sting but isn’t frightening – I love my Pelt paddle but I would not want to use that on a beginner – and is best suited for general hijinks, playful swattings, and playing the ‘let’s see how many hearts I can put on you’ game.

B. The Tantus Meteorite. My little space cadet. It’s had a cameo in three different reviews now, but hasn’t had the spotlight all to itself just yet. The Meteorite’s easy to travel with, it’s slightly thicker than two fingers, delightfully flexible, and is pretty much the ideal warm-up toy. Plus the rocket lolly colours have never failed to elicit at least an ‘oh, pretty!’.

C. Sportsheets black beginner cuffs. Granted, they’re not the cutest cuffs in the world and you won’t be able to do any swinging from the ceiling style suspension play with them, but they’re vegan, you can pop them in the wash after you’re done, I don’t feel like I’m going to wriggle out of them, and they’re reeeaaallllyyy adjustable; they comfortably fit both my skinny fop wrists and my dude-things big bony ones. Not bad for a tenner.

D. Super femme nipple clamps. I don’t remember who makes these (they were labelled as ‘bitchy butterflies’, I know that much) and I wish I did because they are SO MEAN AND I LOVE THEM. They’re covered in shimmery baby pink paint with tacky iridescent butterflies dangling on matching pink chains, have uncoated jaws, are highly adjustable, and bite like hell if you let them. They’re like the Courtney Shayne of nipple clamps. They are ridiculous.

Honourable mention: Julian Snelling large aluminium plug. It’s gorgeous, lightweight, and my perfect size and shape but I just don’t trust other people with it enough. It’s too pretty. It’s not happening.

minipakSo! That’s it. I can fit most combinations of the items listed into a small makeup bag or container. It also turns out that the boxes the Tenga irohas come in are actually ideal for this kind of thing; in the one pictured above I’ve got condoms, nipple clamps, Sportsheets cuffs, a mini Give Lube and the Mia 2 with room for another small vibe or plug – just pop a plaster or masking tape on the top to shut it as stickytape can tear the cardboard and you’ll have to cut it open.

Update – Lovehoney now make special zippy cases with locks that would be PERFECT for this. The small one looks ideal, and there’s a medium and a large, too!

I’m going to write another post on travelling with sex toys (ROLL EVERYTHING UP IN SOCKS), plus a big bad deluxe edition of this post, but until then I hope you all have lovely healthy sexually-and-emotionally-fulfilling sleepovers. And if you’re living with your partner/s I hope that every day is like a wonderful sleepover for you! Except for when you don’t want it to be like a sleepover and you do actually have to talk about Bills and Adult Grown Up Things. And if anyone else has a little sleepover kit, I wanna see yours!