Yeah. No. Unfortunately this guided misadventure didn’t end as quickly as it should have, because the one time I did have lube generously applied to my vulva (a flavoured Durex variety) it gave me The Yeast Infection From Hell and I declared all lubricants unsafe for my body and studiously avoided the ‘essentials’ section of any sex toy website I visited. It could’ve been worse – I wasn’t into insertable toys for the longest time and was mainly using things for clit stim, where I actually prefer not to be dripping in lube. Still though. When I brought my Gigi out of her early retirement, she came with a bonus tube of Lelo lube and Lelo sachets – which I now have approx. 10 billion of knocking around – and hey, might as well try it. It was a revelation of biblical proportions, I’m talking like, tidal waves of realisation.
The Mustang by Vixen Creations is my first ever ‘realistic’ – super gross phrasing, by the way, like a dick is only a ‘real’ dick if it looks a certain way – dildo and I luuuuuuv it. It’s soft and squishy and bendy and it absorbs body heat and uh, it had this kind of amazing slightly apple-y smell when I took it out of the clear tube it came in. It’s not too long (this is important, because I have a short vag) and not too thick, harness compatible, it sticks to my bathroom wall, it’s butt-safe, and it’s NEON TIE-DYE. I could probably end this review right here.
Biodick-lookin dildos gross me out, I’m not gonna lie. They veer into uncanny valley territory for me personally, and while I’m all about the concept of having several disembodied dicks adorning your furniture like you’re living in some kind of seventies Hammer Horror maneating ladies-and-succubi-only cave, the reality just doesn’t appeal. The veins are either too delicate and thread-like and reminiscent of a recently skinned chicken, or too chunky and cartoonish. The heads are creepy and nearly always circumcised – my male partner is the only circumcised dude I’ve ever slept with and I still sometimes get confused! Balls frankly frighten me and the weird approximations of ‘flesh’ tones that you generally get make my skin crawl, usually either a sickly pale salmon or a generic orangey tan. But this. This is TIE-DYE. The colour scheme and the supersoft, super forgiving silicone puts a lovely blanket over all the things I hate about biodick-dildos and makes them more than tolerable. I now actively like all of these features. See? I could’ve said ‘flaws’ there, and I didn’t.