Stuff I’m Into – April edition

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a- I’ve bought so much cute stationary lately / b- the star of a new post / c- someone’s lovely painting / d- an extremely reassuring fortune / e- the packaging for the Je Joue ami+ is really beautiful / f- blue skies!!! / g- rocks n stuff / h- plant dick / i- a new collar, courtesy of Denby Jorgenson, who I highly recommend

Other stuff I was into this month – sunshine! at last! just not so much the slathering on suncream part, I really really really want this bag, counting down the days to Jurassic World, seeing Tantus redoing their website somewhat and getting rid of unnecessarily gendered terms, the new season of Drag Race…that’s about it? I haven’t had much time to do fun stuff (masturbatory or otherwise) because I’ve been unexpectedly busy and stressing out about the election. Catch me crying into my consolation pizza if pig-in-a-suit Cameron gets re-elected.

And finally, a new-ish bunch of timely offers –

  • Lovehoney no longer stock the standard copper Eroscillator, but instead have replaced it with a purple version of the 2 Top Deluxe that comes with the marshmallow attachment!
  • Cheap international shipping from Tantus ends on the 19th of May so get your orders in while you can – currently all orders 2lbs or under (around 3 dildos, give or take) ship for $9.95, and parcels over 2lbs but under 4lbs are $19.95.
  • Uberkinky have started stocking the Lovearc, which is a sleek-looking manual sex machine.
  • I’m used to 3 items for £x offers being full of tat, but the 3 bondage items for £60 0ffer from Lovehoney is actually really good.
  • This isn’t new, but I like this vulva puppet from Sh! a whole lot.
  • Has anyone else noticed that Lovehoney stock the Fun Factory Big Boss in a peach tone that isn’t on Fun Factory’s website or anywhere else? Huh.
  • The rechargeable, cordless magic wand is launching in May! You can pre-order one from Shevibe.

birdstump See you in May!

Review – Uberkinky Stainless Steel Anal Hook


At some point last year, I decided the one thing I really, really wanted was an anal hook. It suddenly shot to the top of my wishlist and to be honest, I’m not even 100% sure what triggered it. The idea of predicament bondage doesn’t get me unusually hot and bothered or anything, but for some reason I couldn’t get the thought of one out of my head. Thankfully, the nice (and possibly telepathic) folks at Uberkinky put me out of my misery and sent me one to review earlier this month.

First things first – this thing is HUGE. It’s as long as my forearm! I could use it as a weapon! The ball portion measures 4 inches around, the straight portion of the hook measures 15 inches long (from the top of the loop to where it starts to curve out), and the whole thing from loop to end is 22 inches long. It’s not remotely discreet unless maybe you do a lot of diy, and it has that cold, smooth steel texture that I love so much. It’s also unusually lightweight for such a gigantic piece of kit. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a flimsy little thing in the slightest – I just didn’t expect it to be so light.

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Mini review – Tantus Clover

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I’m a sucker for pretty things, and that’s basically the entire reason I asked to review the Clover when the superheroes at Tantus got in contact with me. I honestly am working on it, I truly swear that I’m trying really hard to give the things I don’t find that aesthetically pleasing a chance, but my god did it pay off this time. It straight up looks like opalite with glitter threaded through it, that glossy, pastel glass that fades from blue to pink to green and back again when you tilt it – you know those glowy translucent eggs you get in literally every museum shop ever? Those. I about fell over when I took it out of the packaging.

If translucent glittery silicone wasn’t cute enough already, it’s positively pocket sized – the entire thing’s 6 inches long, 4 inches around at the widest point(s), and 3 inches around the rest of it. I don’t have enough smaller toys that aren’t glass, so this was ideal already.

The Clover’s delightfully soft and bendy – almost jellylike, actually, but without the barbie-had-a-bath-in-petrol smell and general grossness that usually comes with jelly toys. The vibrator slot carved out in the base means that the bottom half of it is significantly squishier than the top half; I haven’t noticed any weird differences or anything, but if it bothers you for whatever reason you can just stick your finger (flick away to your heart’s content) or a bullet vibe in there. Speaking of bullet vibes, the one that came with this didn’t work so I just switched it out with my We-Vibe Tango. I don’t think I’m missing out on much.

Using it feels easy – the silicone’s shiny but not grippy and the small size means that I don’t need a river of lube like I usually do. I was expecting the mushroom-y tip to feel weird, like it’d deliver a really intense popping sensation, but for whatever reason it doesn’t. I’m glad about that because I can’t stand that popping thing but I know other people go nuts for it; instead it’s just gentle and floaty and nice and I utilise that flicking method I mentioned above for fucking good orgasms without any lube divining or wrist cramp. I even managed to dislodge both false eyelashes* while using it with the Mystic Wand, which is the mark of an excellent orgasm in my books.

The Clover probably isn’t for you if you like a lot of girth or firm pressure, but if you like your toys on the smaller, softer side or you’re just a sucker for a pretty dick, you can get yourself a Clover directly from Tantus!

If you’re reading this and they’re all out of stock, the Sport has a sorta similar shape and the O2/Pack & Play lines have a nice squidgy feel.

* I’ll admit that they’d been stuck on for entirely too long that day but a win’s a win or something

Review – Durex Sensual Bliss massager




The Sensual Bliss massager is one of Durex’s newest offerings, a small silicone ‘intimate massager’ that looks almost exactly like a ufo. That’s the sole reason I requested it, actually; it genuinely looks like a tiny little flying saucer. The only thing that could make it look any more like an alien transport device is if it had flashing lights embedded around the edge. Missed a trick on that one, Durex.

It’s impressive at first glance; packaging isn’t something I particularly care about either way unless it’s the awful plastic clamshell stuff that you can’t even recycle, but the box this came in is surprisingly attractive – very, very similar to the Lelo boxes, but sturdier. The buttons are a little stiff but at least they aren’t the flat, basically undetectable kind, it charges via usb, and the box says it’s splashproof but I managed to drop it in the bath and it’s still going strong. Good so far? Ah.

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