I’ve mentioned this before, but packing’s not something I’m particularly into. I’ve had a couple of emails asking me if I planned on reviewing any (the Vixen Mr Right is the one I’ve been most commonly asked about) and I’m never sure whether to do it or not because I’m just not that invested in it personally, it’s not a key part of me and I don’t want to accidentally overlook crucial things; as an example, because I favour broad stimulation from external vibrators I tend to forget to mention if a vibrator’s good for pinpoint. I don’t want to do that with something that’s so deeply personal for some people – I get irritated enough when people don’t mention how harnesses perform during, you know, actual fucking.
Anyway. I sort of changed my mind recently – about a week or so ago Uberkinky offered to send me one for review and I took them up on it, figuring that it was worth a try, I’d get to manhandle a lump of squidgy Fleshlight material, and if all else fails I could put googly eyes on it and nail it to my door.
I didn’t specify which size I wanted (lucky dip!) when I asked Uberkinky for one to review and they sent me the medium. The medium’s not realllllly a medium at all – it’s surprisingly hefty and clocks in at at 7 inches in length, 5 inches in girth, and has a pair of joyously saggy wrinkled balls weighing it down. I have an unabashed love for supersized floppy dicks so this is a plus for me, but in more practical terms the x-small or small sizes seem much more suitable for everyday packing. It’s also worth bearing in mind that the material is so soft that it’s totally unable to support itself, which means it gets dragged down by its own weight, stretching out and making it look longer than it actually is. #bigdickproblems
Mr Limpy’s a sensitive soul; made from Fleshlight’s softer-than-marshmallows superskin material it can easily develop nicks through rough or regular handling that can gradually stretch out with further use and render it unusable, unless you’re really into having a moth-eaten dick. I haven’t had mine for very long and it had a couple of tiny rips like icepick scarring after a day or so of enthusiastic handling (read: squishing and flopping and crushing), and these are now becoming more apparent. It’s so hard to stop myself from doing it, though – it’s one of the most soothing things I’ve ever laid my hands on, plus if you squeeze it in your hand super hard it merges to itself and slowly peels apart like one of those alien egg toys you might’ve had as a kid. It’s amazing. And disgusting.
It’s a pure wand knockoff!
Nah, not really. The Crystal Eclipse double ended glass anal prober – why are these ridiculously convoluted names still A Thing? – is a pretty, lightweight curve of glass with a shape very, very, very similar to the njoy pure wand. I tried to write this review without ever mentioning the pure wand when I first got it like months ago but it was HOPELESS so here we are with a comparison. Hooray!
Stats-wise, the the pure wand weighs a whopping 680g (!!!) with the big bulb measuring 5 inches around and the small 3.2, while the crystal eclipse clocks in at 4 inches around the largest and 3.5 around the small. I didn’t weigh it, but it’s lighter than my iphone. Personally, I still prefer the proportions of the pure wand overall because I like big shiny things in my butt and smaller shiny things in my vag, but the the light weight of the crystal eclipse makes it more user-friendly to people with wrist issues, and I find I don’t need as much warm up.
As I write this now, slouching crosslegged on top of my bed in a pair of waist-high cotton pants and one sock, laptop glow lighting up my greasy face – there’s a mirror opposite my bed, see, most of the time it’s put to good use but in sweaty sticky summery times like this I wish I could like, shift it with my mind, Matilda it across the room – the two little silicone attachments from this kit are sitting beneath me, stuck at the bottom of the sex toy drawer under the bed. The last time I touched them was yesterday, taking pictures and returning them to their shoebox and the time before that was when I reorganised the mess in that drawer, fished them out of their bag, slotted them into a box, tucked it all away under more important things.
What I’m trying to say is that they don’t get used. Which is fucked, because they’re affiliated with THE WE-VIBE TANGO and the We-Vibe Tango is in a class of its own.
The Tango’s widely regarded as the most powerful bullet vibrator currently on the market, and all that power comes in a smartly-designed, standard sized piece of plastic that can be switched in and out of damn near every harness and dildo base designed to hold one. I need to get around to finishing my full-length Tango review but spoiler, I guess – I love it. It is unmatched. It can feel it in my teeth. And because of all that power I barely use it directly and instead joined the legions of people preferring to stuff it into the bullet holes of everything they own with wild abandon. Other bullets are a waste of time when you have a Tango! Anyway, We-Vibe must’ve caught on to this and behold: the We-Vibe Pleasure Mates Collection, replete with a white Tango and silky silicone attachments.