Real Neat Blog thingummy whatsit


The lovely Big Gay Review and Emmeline Peaches both nominated me for this real neat blog feature (thankyouuuu!) and I’ve finally got around to doing it – the questions were different on both posts, so I went ahead and glued a few together and removed a couple that I didn’t want to or wasn’t able to answer properly.

If you opened this in your inbox expecting a review then just click the back button now – this is pure fluff with an absolute minimum of sex toy chatter. There’ll be another review in two days or so, though!

Why did you start blogging?
I needed a fun, lightweight hobby. I grossly underestimated this.

If your site had a goal, what would it be? How do you feel you’re doing with that goal, right now? How do you feel you’ve done with that goal over all?
No real goals; I just wanna provide useful, easy-to-consume reviews that aren’t irritating to read, filled with jargon or otherwise unhelpful.

How has blogging influenced your life?
I receive more emails containing the word ‘rectum’. Anal. Sphincter. The backdoor. My inbox is a veritable treasure trove of butt terminology.

What is your favorite part of blogging?
Do you have any idea how nice some people in the sex toy industry are? Hand-written notes! Stickers! I get so many emails with smiley faces in! People have apologised (this isn’t remotely necessary but it’s very nice) for their stuff not agreeing with my body! It’s super cute.

What website on the entire web, besides your own, do you spend the most time on?
etsy, ebay, and

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Someone who wears a lavender suit on the regular.

Gotta ask one toy question. Name your absolute favorite sex toy. (More than one is fine.)
I can’t pick one so here’s an approximate top five –

  • My large & XL Julian Snelling princess plugs
  • Lelo Smart Wand large
  • Tantus Pack & Play no.2
  • Vixskin Mustang
  • Fun Factory Sharevibe

What is the most important thing about you that you want everyone to know?
I know everyone else is glad that cheap patterned classic vibes and odd animal-themed vibrating eggs are on their way out and the sex toy industry is marching towards a very samey, smooth aesthetic, but I kind of like all that. Look at this! And the floral granny pattern on this! And this!

Who is your favorite superhero and why?

I’ve had this on my desktop for two years and still don’t know if it’s fake or not. Whoops.

(I think I’m meant to nominate other people to do this now but afaik most people have already done it, so consider it an open nomination!)


Review – Tantus Pack & Play no. 2

packnplayI’ve stuck a lot of things in my various orifices, but the Pack & Play no.2 is up there on my best of list.

This is sorta weird for me cause it goes against basically every pre-set rule I have for myself re: sex toys – it’s flesh tone, although this one isn’t toooo bad because it’s tinted like the inside of a Curly Wurly and I’m a useless, drooling slave to their tooth-pulling caramel siren song, it looks like An Actual Peen, and it has veins. I do not like veins. I don’t like realism in general, probably because I don’t find flesh and blood dicks all that enticing. But squishy, floppy, soft silicone is one of my favourite things in the world, and I’ve always found Tantus’ regular O2 a little bit too firm to be quite perfect. So I asked for one, it arrived, and I fell in looooove.

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Review – large Lelo Smart Wand


I put the large Lelo Smart Wand on my 8 sex toy resolutions for 2015 list earlier this year, but never actually expected to review it. It seemed equally as out of reach as the Doxy or the Eroscillator – incredibly expensive, prohibitively noisy (in the case of the Doxy, anyway), and all in all, something I assumed I’d never get my grubby little hands on. And then sent me one.

It’s just as pretty in real life as it looked on websites and in other people’s reviews – fairly large, about the length of my forearm, and pleasingly top-heavy with the buttons located above the giant swathe of chrome plating. It also comes with an odd storage pouch made out of foam, which smelt so strongly of dye that it stank out my room within a day and my housemate asked me if we’d got a new shower curtain and he just hadn’t noticed. But I’m not really that bothered about how it looks or how weird it was that the storage bag smelt dead-on like melted plastic, because oh my god does it deliver. It’s everything I dreamed of. Help.

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Stuff I’m Into – April edition

april1 april4 april8

april6 april3 april9

april7 april2 april5

a- I’ve bought so much cute stationary lately / b- the star of a new post / c- someone’s lovely painting / d- an extremely reassuring fortune / e- the packaging for the Je Joue ami+ is really beautiful / f- blue skies!!! / g- rocks n stuff / h- plant dick / i- a new collar, courtesy of Denby Jorgenson, who I highly recommend

Other stuff I was into this month – sunshine! at last! just not so much the slathering on suncream part, I really really really want this bag, counting down the days to Jurassic World, seeing Tantus redoing their website somewhat and getting rid of unnecessarily gendered terms, the new season of Drag Race…that’s about it? I haven’t had much time to do fun stuff (masturbatory or otherwise) because I’ve been unexpectedly busy and stressing out about the election. Catch me crying into my consolation pizza if pig-in-a-suit Cameron gets re-elected.

And finally, a new-ish bunch of timely offers –

  • Lovehoney no longer stock the standard copper Eroscillator, but instead have replaced it with a purple version of the 2 Top Deluxe that comes with the marshmallow attachment!
  • Cheap international shipping from Tantus ends on the 19th of May so get your orders in while you can – currently all orders 2lbs or under (around 3 dildos, give or take) ship for $9.95, and parcels over 2lbs but under 4lbs are $19.95.
  • Uberkinky have started stocking the Lovearc, which is a sleek-looking manual sex machine.
  • I’m used to 3 items for £x offers being full of tat, but the 3 bondage items for £60 0ffer from Lovehoney is actually really good.
  • This isn’t new, but I like this vulva puppet from Sh! a whole lot.
  • Has anyone else noticed that Lovehoney stock the Fun Factory Big Boss in a peach tone that isn’t on Fun Factory’s website or anywhere else? Huh.
  • The rechargeable, cordless magic wand is launching in May! You can pre-order one from Shevibe.

birdstump See you in May!

Review – Uberkinky Stainless Steel Anal Hook


At some point last year, I decided the one thing I really, really wanted was an anal hook. It suddenly shot to the top of my wishlist and to be honest, I’m not even 100% sure what triggered it. The idea of predicament bondage doesn’t get me unusually hot and bothered or anything, but for some reason I couldn’t get the thought of one out of my head. Thankfully, the nice (and possibly telepathic) folks at Uberkinky put me out of my misery and sent me one to review earlier this month.

First things first – this thing is HUGE. It’s as long as my forearm! I could use it as a weapon! The ball portion measures 4 inches around, the straight portion of the hook measures 15 inches long (from the top of the loop to where it starts to curve out), and the whole thing from loop to end is 22 inches long. It’s not remotely discreet unless maybe you do a lot of diy, and it has that cold, smooth steel texture that I love so much. It’s also unusually lightweight for such a gigantic piece of kit. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a flimsy little thing in the slightest – I just didn’t expect it to be so light.

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