Review – Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe


The eroscillator isn’t just ugly; it looks downright suspect. It looks something you’d find advertised in the very back of a gentleman’s mag from 1973, or a baffling electric face massager seen on QVC at 3am. It’s aged badly, coming onto the market in 1996 and not changing all that much since then, and the heinous satin-finish purple they slapped onto it at some point in the last two or three years (it was previously copper) takes me back to 2004 in all the wrong ways. It reminds me of so many eras and so many things, none of them good.

And yet. AND YET. Since buying the eroscillator I’ve had next to no need for any of my other, infinitely prettier vibrators. Even my hitachi’s getting lonely. It might be ugly as sin, but the eroscillator has one job and one job only, and that’s getting me off. And it does it bloody well.

The eroscillator’s main selling point is the fact that it doesn’t merely vibrate – this hideous bastard oscillates, and it does so silently. It also backed by Dr Ruth, who I had to google, and it comes with a bunch of different attachments, nearly all of which are entirely irrelevant – the delightfully plush marshmallow/soft tip is the only one that truly matters, but I’ll allow the gentle golden spoon when I fancy a change. I ask you: who brainstormed the idea of an attachment that comes with sharp, bristly hair protruding from either side and deemed it saleable? I swear to god.

For something that plugs in to a wall and measures almost the length of my forearm, the eroscillator is surprisingly manageable; it’s not particularly heavy even with an attachment, and the push-up 1-2-3 speed slider is so much more practical than fiddling with stupid tiny buttons. The neck between the body and the attachments also means that juggling an internal toy with it isn’t the rage-inducing palaver it usually is – the neck gives you more breathing room, so to speak.

Truthfully, the eroscillator doesn’t feel that much different to traditional vibrators. I realise this is a confusing post to slog through with many tangents and changes in direction, but listen: I remember having read so much about how life-changing and unique the vibrations – sorry, oscillations – felt that when mine turned up I initially wondered if it was faulty and rotated through every single attachment to see how they all felt individually. It’s best described as a purr, not buzzy, not shallow, and with the marshmallow tip on it feels almost massage-like, but the vibrations themselves aren’t what I expected – they do feel different, but not by much.

What IS different, though, is the fact that the orgasms I have with the eroscillator are just so, so much better. Like, eyes in the back of my head, goosebumps, bloody half moons in the palm of my hand, speaking in tongues, back risen off the bed, bright pink flush every. Single. Time. I’m frightened to use it with someone else because I think I might boot them in the face. Plus I don’t go numb nearly as easily, which is nice because less recovery time = more orgasms.

Is it worth it? Uuuunnnnhhhh. Yes. It pains me to say it because it’s SO EXPENSIVE, and if it were rechargeable I’d say no because rechargeables will inevitably die some day and sooner if you leave them uncharged for too long, but plug-ins maintain an illusion of invincibility. Speaking of plug ins: if you’re in the uk you’ll have to buy an adaptor as it comes with either a us or eu plug as default, which is frankly pathetic on eroscillator’s part. You’ll sell your product to uk vendors but won’t manufacture one with a uk plug? C’mon.

The eroscillator’s really, really ugly. It also has a website that reminds me of a women’s health clinic, and I hate that it doesn’t come with a uk plug as standard, and the price makes me sick in my mouth a little bit. But it consistently delivers on the orgasm front in a way that no other vibrator I own does. I don’t give a rat’s arsehole that it’s as antiquated looking as it is – I can’t see shit with my eyes rolled all the way back, anyway.

I bought the eroscillator myself from Lovehoney.

Where to buy – Lovehoney (UK/intl) / Shevibe (US/intl)

Mini reviews – Tantus Gary O2 & Nobessence Romp

dimensions – 7 inches long x 4.70 inches in circumference

Despite having had this thing in my possession for what, a year? I still don’t have much to say about the Gary; not because it’s bad or mediocre or anything, not at all! It’s a good dildo, and it gets the job done, and that’s that. It’s hyper-realistic, with impressively defined folds and even a delicate little urethra etched into the soft, dual density silicone, and the base is wide enough that I feel happy recommending it for anal.

The Gary’s not a dildo I use on myself all that often. It’s longer than I usually go for, and not particularly g-spotty: when I fuck myself, the goal’s (usually) to get off as quickly as possible, and realistic dildos like this one just aren’t what I typically reach for. For strapping on, though, it’s near perfect – it doesn’t droop, the extra length makes it better for positions like reverse cowgirl or spooning, and the blunted tip and texture just feel better, somehow – building up and up and up, a sensation I don’t get when I do it myself.

While it’s not reallllly fair to compare them, I like the Gary almost as much as I like my beloved Pack & Play 02. I say ‘almost’ because the additional length, blunted tip and texture make it harder to handle and a more involved, rougher self fuck – it’s not as blissfully mallow-like and easy as the Pack n Play. But y’know – despite being sleepy and slothlike and a creature of habit, I don’t always want easy.

Where to buy – Tantus | Shevibe (best for intl. folks)

dimensions – 3 and a half inches long (insertable) x 4.70 inches around at the widest point

I bought the Nobessence Romp with my own cash after realising that no retailer on earth was going to send me, a lowly hobbyist with minimal SEO reach and a backlog longer than my arm, something this expensive and this…rarified? to review. This is what people mean when they talk about certain sex toys being ‘investment pieces’ or whatever; it’s a well designed, beautifully crafted piece that’s gonna last you foooorreeeverrrrrr (unless your pet finds it and chews it up, I suppose).

The Nobessence Romp’s shape is sleek and smooth and curved and comfortable. It’s not something I need to work at inserting or something that needs significant warm up (I hate warming up for toys, fyi, it’s suuuuch a waste of time) – a thicker lube and clever fingers and it’s there, pressing against my insides. This, in my opinion, is exactly what a good buttplug should feel like; not invasive, but conforming and fitting perfectly to my body. When I walk or stretch or bend over with it in, everything’s enhanced. Heightened. It is EXCELLENT. It even works as a vag plug too, but not quite as well as my Papillon – I think it’s because it’s less bulbous, so the pressure against my g-spot’s reduced.

While I’d like it even more if it were a bit thicker, the Romp’s now something I regularly reach for. It’s a fucking good toy and I’m kind of amazed that I went so long – me, a buttplug advocate – without one. Sometimes with expensive toys I feel a twinge of regret (all the shit I could’ve bought with that, gnawing guilt in the back of my head) but with this one? Nah. Not a chance in hell.

Where to buy – Shevibe | Good Vibes | Nobessence

Y2K made me gay

Sometimes you fall deep into a nostalgia-fuelled youtube hole and you’re watching Sugababes – Hole In The Head at 3am which you had totally forgotten about for literally like eight years and you’re all ‘wow god I thought Keisha was so hot when I was like, twelve’ and you get an idea for a blog post and you finish the whole thing in like two hours and you can’t think of a real intro so, dear reader, you get this atrocity fired into your inbox AT SPEED. Enjoy! Formative music videos! Yay!


This is first on the list because I’ve kissed SO MANY GIRLS to this song. So many! I was thirteen when this came out and fully embroiled in hormonal hell and it made me want to kiss Shirley Manson a lot, but this was obviously unobtainable and I settled for kissing a girl in my ballet class instead. While thinking about Shirley Manson. Nothing’s changed, really.

screen-shot-2016-11-06-at-01-30-36/JEM – THEY
Commonly known as the ‘space stripping video’, this is sort of like a mildly sensual Alien if Alien didn’t have any aliens in it and there weren’t any other crew members and Ripley awoke from cryosleep with one thing on her mind: nude interpretive dance. In anti-gravity. Jem also looks quite a lot like Ellen Page, which is nice.

screen-shot-2016-11-06-at-01-01-58/PLACEBO – PURE MORNING
Remember Placebo? Remember Brian Molko circa 1999, arguably the pinnacle of androgynous human perfection? Despite being born a couple years too late to fully immerse myself in embarrassing Placebo fandom, this video perfectly facilitated my journey to becoming a snarling, sexually frustrated, half-starved baby queer and I apologise to everyone who had to deal with me during that time. Fuck you, Molko.


This absolute masterpiece of a music video spawned my desire to wear false eyelashes under even the most strenuous of circumstances, which may or may not include doing rhythm gymnastics in front of someone who looks like a Ken doll in all his aggressively desexualised plastic glory. The doll-faced cutie in the bikini comes comes first in the trophy ceremony at the end, but they’re all partly responsible for turning me into the lascivious lady lover I am today. You’re all no. 1 in my heart, girls.


Previously known for the acutely cringy Misfit, Amy Studt came back with the forgettable Under The Thumb and promptly ignited a morally inexcusable stockholm syndrome kink I didn’t realise I had until later. Amy’s wretched boyfriend’s tied up (flimsily) to a chair in a cute little cottage where she lovingly feeds him breakfast, washes his hair for him and occasionally engages in this weird half-kiss half-headbutt thing where the boyfriend looks like he’s about to give himself whiplash. She lets him go in the end. Beats me.

It took every inch of willpower in my body to not include this abomination in this list and I failed because honestly, how can you not? This video epitomises nearly every dated beauty standard of the early 00’s – pneumatic tits, garage door eyeshadow and a fake tan the exact colour of a digestive biscuit, and it single-handedly propelled acres of porno panic from The News Of The World et al. I’ve never actually found this remotely sexy, but I’m including it because I have a real thing for ultra high cut 80s leotards and I’m sure it’s at least a little bit to blame. Mmm, sweaty swamp crotch.

Review – Fun Factory Moody G5 & Fun Factory Cayona

moody/FUN FACTORY MOODY – 4″ insertable, 5.25″ inches in girth at the widest point, $99/139€

Not gonna lie, when I unwrapped my review package from Fun Factory and saw the Moody’s happy little silhouette staring up at me I might’ve felt my heart sink a little bit. It’s not my bag. It looks like it’s wearing a strange peplum getup and it has that dreaded birdy beak thing going on at the tip, a cheap party bag vibrator hallmark and something that I’ve found to be at best ineffectual and at worst, scrapey.

I want to be able to say I was wrong because I love being surprised and there are so many rave reviews for this wobbly little weirdo, but the Moody actively disagrees with my insides. There’s no two ways about it – sometimes you meet toys that literally hate your guts, and this is one of them. The poky little tip feels like it’s rummaging around in my guts, somehow missing my g-spot at every turn, and the ribs on the shaft grate and roll against the top wall of my vag in a way that I can only describe as visceral.

The silicone on the Moody seems to be draggier than the kind on the Cayona and I’m speculating that this is why it feels so deeply unpleasant; I have to use way more Sliquid Sassy (my first choice for Fun Factory’s curiously gritty silicone) than I do for the Cayona and I seem to be one of the only sex bloggers in the universe whose enjoyment isn’t upped by spraying lube everywhere with wild abandon. It’s just more faff than it’s worth.

On the plus side, Fun Factory’s button design is spot on as always (DEDICATED KILL SWITCH YEEEE) and the vibrations on the Moody are rumbly and ramp up to a thumping high speed on the highest continuous setting. They manage to travel all the way through the bulk of the silicone including that bizarre looking ruff at the base, which in my opinion is the Moody’s saving grace; using it internally might make me cringe, but rotating the ruff against my clit sets me up for one of those orgasms that go all the way down to my toes. That said, I still can’t recommend the Moody based on the fact that it gives satisfying external orgasms. Lots of things do that! It’s $99! You know what else you can get for $99? A killer bullet, or slap an extra $30 down and get yourself a bedroom icon. Sorry Fun Factory – I feel like the mark was heavily missed on this one.

Where to buy – Shevibe / Good VibesFun Factory

cayona/FUN FACTORY CAYONA – 4″ insertable, 4.7″ inches in girth at the widest, £69/$99/69€

The Cayona wouldn’t look out of place on sale or used in an educational demo about self pleasure at yr local Women’s Fest and what I mean when I say that is it absolutely looks like a vulva. It’s got a little clit to go on your clit! Labial folds! It’s very, very pretty and being a certified Pussy Enthusiast I desperately want to be able to blindly rec it but unfortunately I caaan’t because y’know, trustworthy reviews, having standards, etc.

One word I’d use to describe the Cayona is manageable – the texture is interesting but not so much so that it’s abrasive or too much, the size makes it co-operative on days where it feels like my cervix is really low and the silicone isn’t super soft but it does have some flex to it. It’s gentle. I’ve managed to use it when I had a menstrual cup in which is something that has never, ever happened before; attempting to use toys like that usually feels obstructive and uncomfortable but the tapered tip, flex, and overall petite size of the Cayona makes it ideal for rag week shenanigans.

cayapussThe vibrations are essentially the same as the ones on the Moody as they lean rumbly and because they travel throughout the bulk of the vibrator, not just concentrated in the base or the tip, it means it makes a mean external vibe. Slicking a little bit of coconut oil into the central dip and gently pressing the full length of it across my cunt makes for a chill ~masturbation experience~ or just utilising the tip like a big, wiggly pinpoint vibe.

In regards to the dual stimulation factor, the Cayona doesn’t touch my clit in a way that’s anything exciting or special and the shape obviously doesn’t provide the kind of thumb-like full coverage I prefer but I can still come with it in the same way I can come from getting railed from behind with a pillow under my hips. It’s not proof that whoever’s doing the railing’s blessed with the magic touch, it’s just that I’m being repeatedly bumped into something and after long enough it’s gonna happen.

In my eyes, the Cayona’s a bit like the 2am kebab of the vibrator world. It does the job and it’s a pretty good time, but something else could’ve done it better (12″ stuffed crust with every topping my drunk ass is still capable of pronouncing). If you’re specifically after a short, slim vibrator with rumbly vibrations and some unusual but not scary texture this could be a frontrunner, but I wouldn’t get too hung up on the idea of this little thing being able to hit your clit and your internal bits at the same time. I say that about every rabbit but I’m only so insistent cause it’s true; imo you’re nearly always better off using two separate things at the same time, but if you’ve got your heart set on a pretty little vibrator shaped like a pastel pussy then this is just about ideal.

Cayona – Lovehoney / Shevibe / Good Vibes / Fun Factory

Full disclosure – I was sent the Moody & Cayona directly from the team at Fun Factory in exchange for my honest review.

Review – Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable

Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable

Like a year ago I had a conversation with a friend that was essentially me trying to justify getting a tattoo of a Hitachi despite not having a Hitachi magic wand and I was swiftly and sensibly shot down but GUESS WHAT? I’VE GOT ONE NOW. I can do it! And I will do it, because I love this ugly piece of sex iconography more than nearly anything else I’ve immortalised on my skin.

The original hitachi is a piece of classic americana – it ranks up there with double cheeseburgers, picket fences and our lady Anna Nicole. The internet is inundated with the fucking thing: ask ‘I want a vibrator. what should I buy?’ on near enough any corner of the internet and you’ll get at least three responses citing the magic wand as literally the only solution to your plight. Go hitachi or go home, apparently. Of course I wanted one, but they’re no longer available in the UK so I just had to sulk and suffer and only occasionally debate the pros and cons of buying an almost-definitely-fake on ebay until the unthinkable happened: Vibratex announced that the original had undergone a series of fancy upgrades, now dubbed the Magic Wand Rechargeable (MWR). It was finally compatible with 240v. It could be used in the UK.

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