Mini reviews – Tantus Gary O2 & Nobessence Romp

gary/TANTUS GARY O2
dimensions – 7 inches long x 4.70 inches in circumference

Despite having had this thing in my possession for what, a year? I still don’t have much to say about the Gary; not because it’s bad or mediocre or anything, not at all! It’s a good dildo, and it gets the job done, and that’s that. It’s hyper-realistic, with impressively defined folds and even a delicate little urethra etched into the soft, dual density silicone, and the base is wide enough that I feel happy recommending it for anal.

The Gary’s not a dildo I use on myself all that often. It’s longer than I usually go for, and not particularly g-spotty: when I fuck myself, the goal’s (usually) to get off as quickly as possible, and realistic dildos like this one just aren’t what I typically reach for. For strapping on, though, it’s near perfect – it doesn’t droop, the extra length makes it better for positions like reverse cowgirl or spooning, and the blunted tip and texture just feel better, somehow – building up and up and up, a sensation I don’t get when I do it myself.

While it’s not reallllly fair to compare them, I like the Gary almost as much as I like my beloved Pack & Play 02. I say ‘almost’ because the additional length, blunted tip and texture make it harder to handle and a more involved, rougher self fuck – it’s not as blissfully mallow-like and easy as the Pack n Play. But y’know – despite being sleepy and slothlike and a creature of habit, I don’t always want easy.

Where to buy – Tantus | Shevibe (best for intl. folks)

noromp/NOBESSENCE ROMP
dimensions – 3 and a half inches long (insertable) x 4.70 inches around at the widest point

I bought the Nobessence Romp with my own cash after realising that no retailer on earth was going to send me, a lowly hobbyist with minimal SEO reach and a backlog longer than my arm, something this expensive and this…rarified? to review. This is what people mean when they talk about certain sex toys being ‘investment pieces’ or whatever; it’s a well designed, beautifully crafted piece that’s gonna last you foooorreeeverrrrrr (unless your pet finds it and chews it up, I suppose).

The Nobessence Romp’s shape is sleek and smooth and curved and comfortable. It’s not something I need to work at inserting or something that needs significant warm up (I hate warming up for toys, fyi, it’s suuuuch a waste of time) – a thicker lube and clever fingers and it’s there, pressing against my insides. This, in my opinion, is exactly what a good buttplug should feel like; not invasive, but conforming and fitting perfectly to my body. When I walk or stretch or bend over with it in, everything’s enhanced. Heightened. It is EXCELLENT. It even works as a vag plug too, but not quite as well as my Papillon – I think it’s because it’s less bulbous, so the pressure against my g-spot’s reduced.

While I’d like it even more if it were a bit thicker, the Romp’s now something I regularly reach for. It’s a fucking good toy and I’m kind of amazed that I went so long – me, a buttplug advocate – without one. Sometimes with expensive toys I feel a twinge of regret (all the shit I could’ve bought with that, gnawing guilt in the back of my head) but with this one? Nah. Not a chance in hell.

Where to buy – Shevibe | Good Vibes | Nobessence

Y2K made me gay

Sometimes you fall deep into a nostalgia-fuelled youtube hole and you’re watching Sugababes – Hole In The Head at 3am which you had totally forgotten about for literally like eight years and you’re all ‘wow god I thought Keisha was so hot when I was like, twelve’ and you get an idea for a blog post and you finish the whole thing in like two hours and you can’t think of a real intro so, dear reader, you get this atrocity fired into your inbox AT SPEED. Enjoy! Formative music videos! Yay!

screen-shot-2016-11-06-at-01-39-38

/GARBAGE – BLEED LIKE ME
This is first on the list because I’ve kissed SO MANY GIRLS to this song. So many! I was thirteen when this came out and fully embroiled in hormonal hell and it made me want to kiss Shirley Manson a lot, but this was obviously unobtainable and I settled for kissing a girl in my ballet class instead. While thinking about Shirley Manson. Nothing’s changed, really.

screen-shot-2016-11-06-at-01-30-36/JEM – THEY
Commonly known as the ‘space stripping video’, this is sort of like a mildly sensual Alien if Alien didn’t have any aliens in it and there weren’t any other crew members and Ripley awoke from cryosleep with one thing on her mind: nude interpretive dance. In anti-gravity. Jem also looks quite a lot like Ellen Page, which is nice.

screen-shot-2016-11-06-at-01-01-58/PLACEBO – PURE MORNING
Remember Placebo? Remember Brian Molko circa 1999, arguably the pinnacle of androgynous human perfection? Despite being born a couple years too late to fully immerse myself in embarrassing Placebo fandom, this video perfectly facilitated my journey to becoming a snarling, sexually frustrated, half-starved baby queer and I apologise to everyone who had to deal with me during that time. Fuck you, Molko.

princess/PRINCESS SUPERSTAR – PERFECT

ONE TWO THREE FOUR LEMME HEAR YOU SCREAM IF YOU WANT SOME MORE
This absolute masterpiece of a music video spawned my desire to wear false eyelashes under even the most strenuous of circumstances, which may or may not include doing rhythm gymnastics in front of someone who looks like a Ken doll in all his aggressively desexualised plastic glory. The doll-faced cutie in the bikini comes comes first in the trophy ceremony at the end, but they’re all partly responsible for turning me into the lascivious lady lover I am today. You’re all no. 1 in my heart, girls.

amychair/AMY STUDT – UNDER THE THUMB

Previously known for the acutely cringy Misfit, Amy Studt came back with the forgettable Under The Thumb and promptly ignited a morally inexcusable stockholm syndrome kink I didn’t realise I had until later. Amy’s wretched boyfriend’s tied up (flimsily) to a chair in a cute little cottage where she lovingly feeds him breakfast, washes his hair for him and occasionally engages in this weird half-kiss half-headbutt thing where the boyfriend looks like he’s about to give himself whiplash. She lets him go in the end. Beats me.

callonme/ERIC PRYDZ – CALL ON ME
It took every inch of willpower in my body to not include this abomination in this list and I failed because honestly, how can you not? This video epitomises nearly every dated beauty standard of the early 00’s – pneumatic tits, garage door eyeshadow and a fake tan the exact colour of a digestive biscuit, and it single-handedly propelled acres of porno panic from The News Of The World et al. I’ve never actually found this remotely sexy, but I’m including it because I have a real thing for ultra high cut 80s leotards and I’m sure it’s at least a little bit to blame. Mmm, sweaty swamp crotch.