CrashPad Series review special: Put the Needle on the Record

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Put the Needle on the Record starts on a high note. Smoky giggles and a record player and four cuties lounging around – ah, it’s like it was made for baby stoner me.

Starring repeat CrashPad stars Ex, Nikki Darling, Drew Deveux – fun fact: her birthday’s November the 7th and oh god I really wanted to have this up on their birthday, noo00o – and Andre Shakti, it has a bloody good cast and, weirdly, an equally stellar soundtrack. Oh, and there’s a special guest who you’ll probably be able to guess the identity of if you’re at all familiar with CrashPad – I may have shouted ‘A-HA!’ when they came up on screen. It’s not Shine though, I did think it was going to be Shine like at the end of the Crash Pad Guide To Fisting but I guess you can’t have it all.

I’m really not someone who finds erotica or spoken-word hot – not even a little bit! Not even the teeniest, tiniest bit! Put the Needle on the Record isn’t exactly a nine minute long spoken word erotic poetry performance but it’s very much focused on narrative, both spoken and visual. It’s multi-layered – the record player humming along in the background, Ex casually describing the time they fucked the ‘hottest girl in school’, fleeting, uncomfortably loaded eye-contact, giggles and kisses, and the sounds of jean shorts unbuttoning.

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Put the Needle on the Record blurs lines*. If I were going to be boring I’d say it’s not conventional porn, but like – can you even apply that to the queer porn genre? It also brings to light the fact that queer porn doesn’t need to be aggressively sexual, hardcore everything, intrinsically kinky, all squirting and flogging and strap-ons and latex gloves; in this case, it can someone being brought to orgasm while you see and hear nothing and everything all at once, hands hidden, mouths open.

Ultimately it’s up to CrashPad to define it, but IIIIII know what I think of it – it’s a hot, sticky, sweaty short film. It makes me fidget in my seat and puts a dirty great grin on my face. I want to get high and kiss my girlfriend’s neck after watching it, and like a great sex scene, it’s sexy and voyeuristic without making me feel uncomfortable, and I can just as easily switch to another Crash Pad episode after watching it as I can make myself a hot chocolate and stare at something on Netflix. I feel like it’s weird to describe porn as versatile, but I don’t know what else to call it. Except maybe massively enjoyable – that works too.

If you wanna watch Put the Needle on the Record you can snag yourself a CrashPad Series membership here! You can find my top ten favourite episodes posts here and here if you need a little guidance, but in the time I’ve been without a membership (it’s gonna be my Christmas present to myself, aw yeah) they’ve added a veritable smörgåsbord of new episodes. Enjoy!

* uh, not in the gross Robin Thicke way

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