Review – Lelo Mia 2


The Mia is so pretty. In fact, it’s sooo pretty that I thought about setting up one of those ridiculous photos for it, where you have a beautiful buttery-soft leather handbag lying on its side, with a brand new lipstick spilling out next to a nail polish in a corresponding colour, then something totally irrational, like a fresh flower or a pearl necklace, and in the middle of it all, your luxxxury clit vibe, inexplicably without a storage bag and somehow completely intact and free from cat hair/lint/general dirt.

The Mia 2’s touted as being travel-friendly, thanks to the relatively subtle shape and size – I’m not entirely sold that other people wouldn’t twig what the pink and purple versions are, but the black one looks pretty innocuous – and the lock function, which you can enable by pressing down on the + and – buttons at the same time for three seconds, which means if I want to travel with it I don’t have to do that thing where you swaddle it in a pair of tights or three and then sit gripped with fear just in case it goes off for the whole length of your journey. It’s also surprisingly light, I was expecting it to be way weightier than it was but it’s one of the most lightweight vibrators I’ve ever held, only slightly heavier than the Tracey Cox bullet I’ve shown it next to – that’s with the battery removed – and much lighter than both my Tango and Iroha Sakura. Also, it’s made of shiny ABS plastic which is easy to clean and attracts NO LINT AT ALL. Except for the silicone buttons. They will still attract lint. Ugh, lint.

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RodeoH PKG briefs review

butts1I don’t do low rise anything. I don’t think I’ve worn any jeans, trousers, skirts or underwear that don’t come up to fasten by my bellybutton since I was what, thirteen maybe? My hips are practically circular and measure 40″ around – 13″ bigger than my waist – I have no butt to speak of, and long legs in comparison to my body. High waisted everything is just so much easier, so much more flattering on me. I normally wear a UK size 12 or 14 on my bottom half depending on the cut and the fabric of the item, and on how many late night meetings I’ve been having with the fridge recently. A lot of the time I get that weird gap at the waistline and still end up pinning them in. So, y’know, I always assumed that RodeoH’s kind of…weren’t for me. All the people I know who own a pair have much slimmer hips than me, and I don’t think I’ve seen more than maybe three individuals who look like they’re over a UK size 10 in their little photo-ad thing on their website. Hm. It’s not exactly unexpected, but still. HMMM.


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Sliquid Organics Natural Lubricant Review

slq1Wanna know something mildly horrifying? When I first started buying sex toys, I didn’t use lube. Lube costs money, and I produce my own lube, right? Who even needs lube! It’s a scam!

Yeah. No. Unfortunately this guided misadventure didn’t end as quickly as it should have, because the one time I did have lube generously applied to my vulva (a flavoured Durex variety) it gave me The Yeast Infection From Hell and I declared all lubricants unsafe for my body and studiously avoided the ‘essentials’ section of any sex toy website I visited. It could’ve been worse – I wasn’t into insertable toys for the longest time and was mainly using things for clit stim, where I actually prefer not to be dripping in lube. Still though. When I brought my Gigi out of her early retirement, she came with a bonus tube of Lelo lube and Lelo sachets – which I now have approx. 10 billion of knocking around – and hey, might as well try it. It was a revelation of biblical proportions, I’m talking like, tidal waves of realisation.

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Review – Vixen Creations Vixskin Mustang dildo (tie bright)

The Mustang by Vixen Creations is my first ever ‘realistic’ – super gross phrasing, by the way, like a dick is only a ‘real’ dick if it looks a certain way – dildo and I luuuuuuv it. It’s soft and squishy and bendy and it absorbs body heat and uh, it had this kind of amazing slightly apple-y smell when I took it out of the clear tube it came in. It’s not too long (this is important, because I have a short vag) and not too thick, harness compatible, it sticks to my bathroom wall, it’s butt-safe, and it’s NEON TIE-DYE. I could vixprobably end this review right here.

Biodick-lookin dildos gross me out, I’m not gonna lie. They veer into uncanny valley territory for me personally, and while I’m all about the concept of having several disembodied dicks adorning your furniture like you’re living in some kind of seventies Hammer Horror maneating ladies-and-succubi-only cave, the reality just doesn’t appeal. The veins are either too delicate and thread-like and reminiscent of a recently skinned chicken, or too chunky and cartoonish. The heads are creepy and nearly always circumcised – my male partner is the only circumcised dude I’ve ever slept with and I still sometimes get confused! Balls frankly frighten me and the weird approximations of ‘flesh’ tones that you generally get make my skin crawl, usually either a sickly pale salmon or a generic orangey tan. But this. This is TIE-DYE. The colour scheme and the supersoft, super forgiving silicone puts a lovely blanket over all the things I hate about biodick-dildos and makes them more than tolerable. I now actively like all of these features. See? I could’ve said ‘flaws’ there, and I didn’t.

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Some misplaced nostalgia: on outgrowing toys

MICROW2I’m having a clearout, and I’m kind of sad about it. Sad might not be the right word – nostalgic? Nostalgic. Getting a little bit misty-eyed over a box of paper, hard ABS plastic and tiny motors.

My first ever sex toy was a silver Rocks-Off 80mm and I loved that thing, I adored it, it was a tiny shiny revolution in my bedside drawer. I complained of my phone making ‘weird buzzing noises’ just in case anyone overheard the faint zzzzzz of my little bullet, but one day it rolled away and disappeared into the dust behind a radiator somewhere and I moved house again shortly after. As much as I loved it, I didn’t think to buy another one until about a year later, when I finally decided to buy myself a ‘proper’ sex toy and ordered a terrifyingly huge wobbly pink jelly rabbit with rotating beads, flapping ears and a smiley face on the underside of the head. I got that thing inside of me three times ever – the little bumps from the smiley face actually hurt me so much I went at them with a scalpel – and earlier this year I finally sent it off to Lovehoney’s rabbit amnesty.

However, the little black bullet I bought along with the rabbit was a loyal friend until it broke, and that’s when I started buying other things. I bought myself a Lelo Gigi when I was flush, but I didn’t know how to use it at the time so I – for shame – left it in its box and moved onto cheap plastic whatsits with buzzy vibrations, a couple of straight classic vibes that I was always a little underwhelmed with, a weird neon jelly dildo with two ends (to be fair, I bought that more as an experiment than anything else and returned that within three months, with a grand total of five uses), and then a girl I was seeing introduced me to her Feeldoe and her Bodywand and her Tantus Curve and that was that. I figured out how to use my Gigi! I read about how gross jelly was, during my camming stint someone bought me a fairy wand (rip bbgurl, you left us too soon – the wand, not the person who got me it), and I figured out what kind of vibrations I liked. My older toys became mediocre. Kind of impressive in the way of numbers but in terms of like, actually getting me off? Nah pal. Not a fuckin chance.

MICROWA really good example of me outgrowing a toy is my Micro Magic Wand, which I haven’t even had that long, but in the time I have had it the amount of other, better toys I’ve been using has just completely spoiled me. I used to love this little thing! I thought it was the bees knees – but then something happened, to me, or to it, and it lost its charm. The vibrations irritate me. They feel thin, or sometimes I just can’t feel them at all, and I’m no longer able to justify the high pitched whine it makes even on the lowest setting, and I’m realising now just how obnoxious those little grooves on the head and the delightfully bendy neck are to clean. But it’s so cute! It fits into the palm of my hand, look how little the control is! But we’ve grown apart, me and the micro wand, and I have to say bye-bye, and put it into the box of all the other toys that I’ve grown apart from, and take it to the post office and look the lady behind the counter straight in the eye and lie to her when she asks what’s in this huge, unwieldy box. ‘Unwanted gifts. Cosmetics. I sold a bunch of fridge magnets to a collector on ebay.’ It’s not you, it’s me. Except maybe it is you a little bit, you and your less-than-stellar deadened vibrations.

I’ve been steadily returning and throwing out things I no longer use throughout this year but this is the last box! After this my toybox and my lil suitcase with the lock on it and my Big Bag of Bondage Bits are all going to be clean and free of things that were previously just taking up space. I’m a sentimental person, textbook cancerian, I never chuck things out, this is a big thing for me, I’m going to need like, emotional support and a strong cup of tea before I take this lot to the post office. I’m glad I had them – I probably wouldn’t be quite as forgiving if I hadn’t bought them from the one retailer that does free refunds and returns, I will admit – but I won’t miss them. I might get myself another 80mm though. Just for old time’s sake.