Stuff I’m into – May edition

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a – new appendages! / b – it might have rained nearly all month but that just means things are looking extra green / c – these are not the pink fluffy clouds I was on about in my Pack & Play review, but close enough / d – more fruit’s coming into season yessss / e – pants. literally pants / f – i figured out a new way to store my long paddles! but I had to take them down because my clothes need a place to live too. boo.

Other stuff I was into this month – allll the consolation pizzas, trying to compare the vibrations on the Mystic Wand and Smart Wand and failing every time (it’s too much fun, I don’t know how people manage it), watching my to-review wishlist dwindle, this harness, Mad Max, coconut milk rice pudding, my new meluna cup – I got a small because the medium didn’t work out and it’s green and I love it! it almost makes me wish that I bled regularly…almost, planning my summer, being able to take decent pictures for reviews again now that the sun doesn’t set at 3pm.

More timely offers –

Try and keep hydrated in summer! (unless it’s autumn/winter where you live, I guess…do it anyway, it’s good for youdrdr1)

Review – Vibratex Mystic Wand

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Reading about anal-induced haemorrhoids is THE definitive post-masturbation activity

I feel like battery-powered vibrators have majorly fallen out of favour over the past couple of years. I can understand why; with all the sleek, rechargeable sex toys about now, their battery run counterparts can seem a bit outdated in comparison. “Low-end”. Like finding a walkman in a charity shop and wondering how you ever used something like that. Enter the Mystic Wand – one of my favourite things to put on and around my genitalia, and powered by four thumping great AA batteries. No cord. No USB compatibility. Batteries.

I put off buying a Mystic Wand for aaages because I couldn’t find many recent reviews, and like an idiot I assumed that this was because it just wasn’t as good today as it had been two or three years ago, like, we have more options now, right? No. No forever and ever, as far as the eye can see. A sea of no! I actually regret not buying one earlier because it works so beautifully for me – I even find its power source weirdly reassuring.

Batteries are nothing if not practical; I have a ton of rechargeable toys, and they’re not going to last forever. It’s inevitable. One day I’m gonna try and switch my Smart Wand on or my We-Vibe Touch or whatever, and it’ll have exited this mortal realm while I was sleeping or eating or reading on the loo and there’ll be absolutely nothing I can do about it. I might always forget to buy batteries and have to sneak them from my alarm clock, but I’m not scared that I’ll have to replace the whole rig in two years time, yknow? I have a strange sort of faith in it.

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Real Neat Blog thingummy whatsit

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The lovely Big Gay Review and Emmeline Peaches both nominated me for this real neat blog feature (thankyouuuu!) and I’ve finally got around to doing it – the questions were different on both posts, so I went ahead and glued a few together and removed a couple that I didn’t want to or wasn’t able to answer properly.

If you opened this in your inbox expecting a review then just click the back button now – this is pure fluff with an absolute minimum of sex toy chatter. There’ll be another review in two days or so, though!

Why did you start blogging?
I needed a fun, lightweight hobby. I grossly underestimated this.

If your site had a goal, what would it be? How do you feel you’re doing with that goal, right now? How do you feel you’ve done with that goal over all?
No real goals; I just wanna provide useful, easy-to-consume reviews that aren’t irritating to read, filled with jargon or otherwise unhelpful.

How has blogging influenced your life?
I receive more emails containing the word ‘rectum’. Anal. Sphincter. The backdoor. My inbox is a veritable treasure trove of butt terminology.

What is your favorite part of blogging?
Do you have any idea how nice some people in the sex toy industry are? Hand-written notes! Stickers! I get so many emails with smiley faces in! People have apologised (this isn’t remotely necessary but it’s very nice) for their stuff not agreeing with my body! It’s super cute.

What website on the entire web, besides your own, do you spend the most time on?
etsy, ebay, and shorpy.com.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Someone who wears a lavender suit on the regular.

Gotta ask one toy question. Name your absolute favorite sex toy. (More than one is fine.)
I can’t pick one so here’s an approximate top five –

  • My large & XL Julian Snelling princess plugs
  • Lelo Smart Wand large
  • Tantus Pack & Play no.2
  • Vixskin Mustang
  • Fun Factory Sharevibe

What is the most important thing about you that you want everyone to know?
I know everyone else is glad that cheap patterned classic vibes and odd animal-themed vibrating eggs are on their way out and the sex toy industry is marching towards a very samey, smooth aesthetic, but I kind of like all that. Look at this! And the floral granny pattern on this! And this!

Who is your favorite superhero and why?

I’ve had this on my desktop for two years and still don’t know if it’s fake or not. Whoops.

(I think I’m meant to nominate other people to do this now but afaik most people have already done it, so consider it an open nomination!)

 

Review – Tantus Pack & Play no. 2

packnplayI’ve stuck a lot of things in my various orifices, but the Pack & Play no.2 is up there on my best of list.

This is sorta weird for me cause it goes against basically every pre-set rule I have for myself re: sex toys – it’s flesh tone, although this one isn’t toooo bad because it’s tinted like the inside of a Curly Wurly and I’m a useless, drooling slave to their tooth-pulling caramel siren song, it looks like An Actual Peen, and it has veins. I do not like veins. I don’t like realism in general, probably because I don’t find flesh and blood dicks all that enticing. But squishy, floppy, soft silicone is one of my favourite things in the world, and I’ve always found Tantus’ regular O2 a little bit too firm to be quite perfect. So I asked for one, it arrived, and I fell in looooove.

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Review – large Lelo Smart Wand

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I put the large Lelo Smart Wand on my 8 sex toy resolutions for 2015 list earlier this year, but never actually expected to review it. It seemed equally as out of reach as the Doxy or the Eroscillator – incredibly expensive, prohibitively noisy (in the case of the Doxy, anyway), and all in all, something I assumed I’d never get my grubby little hands on. And then sextoys.co.uk sent me one.

It’s just as pretty in real life as it looked on websites and in other people’s reviews – fairly large, about the length of my forearm, and pleasingly top-heavy with the buttons located above the giant swathe of chrome plating. It also comes with an odd storage pouch made out of foam, which smelt so strongly of dye that it stank out my room within a day and my housemate asked me if we’d got a new shower curtain and he just hadn’t noticed. But I’m not really that bothered about how it looks or how weird it was that the storage bag smelt dead-on like melted plastic, because oh my god does it deliver. It’s everything I dreamed of. Help.

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