Review – Durex Sensual Bliss massager

 

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The Sensual Bliss massager is one of Durex’s newest offerings, a small silicone ‘intimate massager’ that looks almost exactly like a ufo. That’s the sole reason I requested it, actually; it genuinely looks like a tiny little flying saucer. The only thing that could make it look any more like an alien transport device is if it had flashing lights embedded around the edge. Missed a trick on that one, Durex.

It’s impressive at first glance; packaging isn’t something I particularly care about either way unless it’s the awful plastic clamshell stuff that you can’t even recycle, but the box this came in is surprisingly attractive – very, very similar to the Lelo boxes, but sturdier. The buttons are a little stiff but at least they aren’t the flat, basically undetectable kind, it charges via usb, and the box says it’s splashproof but I managed to drop it in the bath and it’s still going strong. Good so far? Ah.

 

The vibrations start off promisingly with a powerful, almost rumbly first speed, but the next two are disappointingly buzzy and whiny. Considering that it’s going for £39.99 – reduced from £49.99! – I think Durex could’ve done better; they’re the same old high pitched rechargeable whirr and beep-boop pulse patterns I’ve come to expect, something I would’ve been thrilled with two years ago but have since become over-familiarised with. The Durex website also claims that it is ‘whisper quiet’. I don’t mean to accuse anyone of telling porkies, but on the lowest speed it sounds like an electric toothbrush and rises all the way up to the sputtering whirr of an ageing blender.

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Vibration power isn’t evvverything tho (really!) so I hoped I’d have at least a little luck with the shape but…nah. We’re not meant to be. I found it pretty comfortable to hold – I have long skinny spider hands though, those with itty bitty toddler hands might find it too big – but the vibrations aren’t particularly focused and seemed to actually travel away from wherever I was pressing it. It was sorta like when you’re fucking for the sake of it and end up being more interested in what’s happening outside your window, so in that respect it was the most human experience a vibrator has ever given me.

Overall, the Sensual Bliss massager was a bit of a dud. The packaging’s great, it’s well made and didn’t like, explode or anything – it wasn’t offensively bad, but it didn’t get me off and that’s sort of the whole reason I buy vibrators. Maybe when our alien overlords finally arrive to free us from our useless and inefficient meat prisons it’ll reveal its true form and rise slowly from my windowsill, vibrating, glowing, welcoming them to their new home – but until then I don’t see it getting much use.

Sorry Durex. I still love your ultra-thins, if that’s any consolation.

The very nice people at Durex sent me the Sensual Bliss massager/human cell harvester in exchange for a review – thankyou! If this is the kind of thing you want to put on and around your genitalia, you can get yourself one for £39.99 on their website.

* sensual is my least favourite word in the world, coincidentially

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