I put the large Lelo Smart Wand on my 8 sex toy resolutions for 2015 list earlier this year, but never actually expected to review it. It seemed equally as out of reach as the Doxy or the Eroscillator – incredibly expensive, prohibitively noisy (in the case of the Doxy, anyway), and all in all, something I assumed I’d never get my grubby little hands on. And then sextoys.co.uk sent me one.
It’s just as pretty in real life as it looked on websites and in other people’s reviews – fairly large, about the length of my forearm, and pleasingly top-heavy with the buttons located above the giant swathe of chrome plating. It also comes with an odd storage pouch made out of foam, which smelt so strongly of dye that it stank out my room within a day and my housemate asked me if we’d got a new shower curtain and he just hadn’t noticed. But I’m not really that bothered about how it looks or how weird it was that the storage bag smelt dead-on like melted plastic, because oh my god does it deliver. It’s everything I dreamed of. Help.
The vibrations feel like a small earthquake rumbling its way across my entire pelvis. It is glorious. I have absolutely no complaints about the vibration quality – every single orgasm I’ve had using the Lelo Smart Wand is worthy of angelic choirs, the kind where you see entire galaxies imprinted on the back of your eyelids and everything’s tinged purple for a little while after. My favourite thing to do with it is jam it against my perineum on the fourth speed and feel everything from the top of my thighs to my hip bones get thoroughly shaken about. The hype is real. It’s grotesquely, horrifyingly good, and reasonably quiet* to boot. Even the patterns are decent.
The only blight on this otherwise flawless piece of equipment is the SenseTouch mode, which exists only to irritate me. I don’t know what it’s doing, like, ever – it’s supposed to mirror your masturbation technique somewhat and is apparently very good at “simulating a professional massage technique”, but if I went and paid for a massage and it ended up like the jumpy and unpredictable to the point of terror ‘massage’ the Smart Wand gave me, I would stage a sit-in protest until they refunded me. I really don’t like it. Sorry.
Luckily, the SenseTouch mode is easily avoided – you use the pattern button to access it and I so rarely use that function that it’ll end up as dusty and stiff as the ones on poor Miss Havisham’s dress.
The controls are as strange as the vibrations are good, but this isn’t really a complaint, per se – I’m just sorta bemused. The copy for it (on basically every website, I’m not pinning this solely on Lelo) is confusing and didn’t help at all in my quest to find out how many speeds this thing actually has; it seems to vary from five to eight. When I turn the Smart Wand on, it starts at a low hum and I can click five times to reach the top speed. When I want to turn it off, I click…ten times? And find speeds I wasn’t able to access on the way up? Uh?
I mean, this isn’t too much of a bother but it’s definitely weird, and I can’t figure out if mine is glitchy or if this is an intentional thing or…I don’t know. Is it a bug or a feature? Is it an easter egg? Why can’t I access speed seven, which is the BEST speed, by clicking the + button and not by turning it all the way up and then back down? I have so many questions and so few answers, but it’s so good I can’t be bothered to be properly annoyed by it. I just don’t care.
I am acutely aware that this isn’t the case for everyone though, especially when you consider the enormous price tag. It’s ridiculously expensive, retailing at £108 (and 95p!) at sextoys.co.uk, and for that I’d expect a set of controls that doesn’t have a weird hidden menu and a massage mode that does a bit more than violently switch speeds no matter how lightly you’re holding it. The vibrations are absolutely stellar, though, and it does come with a warranty…
* I will say that the fourth speed takes a swift and frightening turn and what was previously a nice easily-muffled rumble suddenly becomes a comparatively loud BRRRRRRR noise. I can’t hear it outside of my room but it’s a bit of a shock if you’re a sensitive soul.