I feel like the Mona 2’s that one person everyone likes but me. Everyone’s like, ‘oh, but they’re so funny, and they have great taste in films, they’re a really good time!’ but they set me on edge every time I see them. I’ve tried to like them, I really have, but their annoying horsey laugh and overly physical tendencies are too much for me.
In real life, the Mona 2 is not an exceptionally irritating space invader with an unfortunate cackle, it’s a g-spot vibrator. A quiet, rechargeable g-spot vibrator made out of magical lint-repelling silicone with rumbly vibrations and a curvy swervy shape and oh my god it comes in red! – but still, I’m profoundly underwhelmed. I think I might be allergic to it.
To get right to the point – it just doesn’t agree with me internally. I’ve got it stuck inside me multiple times (this happens with the Ina Wave and njoy pure wand too but I actually like those so I’ll suck it up and deal with it), it hurts to insert, it hurts to remove, it hurts while it’s just hanging out in there. Everything hurrrrrts. The vibrations are strong but get progressively more high-pitched as you amp up the power; anything but the lowest speeds make my cunt feel all pins and needles-y. Let us not speak of the patterns.
I’ve tried to narrow down the issues I’m having with it so I can be like, ‘ah, it’d be fine if this wasn’t there’ but literally everything is wrong. It’s too long and the pointy tip jabs me in the cervix – I’m not a fan of anything touching me there even gently, let alone a sharp poke – and the bulge that’s intended for g-spot stimulation scrapes on withdrawal. It frequently gets stuck. The vibrations give me weird electra-vag feelings. At least it’s reasonably quiet?
Clitorally…it’s okay? I guess? I don’t actually use external vibes that much because I can barely ever find the combination of softness + weird shape + powerrr that works best for me (shoutout to We-Vibe for producing the almost-perfect Touch, which is my favourite clit vibe of all time) and the Mona 2 only has one point going for it – power. It’s strong enough to get me off but it’s too big, too unwieldy, and too firm, and the okay-ish orgasms aren’t worth the wrangling, frankly.
Eventually using it started to feel less like wanking and more like an unpleasant doctor’s appointment and I banished it to the bottom of the toolbox because fuck that, fuck it to hell. I am not going to exacerbate the constant feeling of being wired wrong in the hopes of finding the one position that this thing works in.
But by far the worst thing about the Mona 2 is the fact that I can’t even return it; my Mona 2 is apparently sentient, clearly hates me as much as I hate it and went missing about two months before Lovehoney’s ever-so-generous returns policy expired. I still have no idea where it is. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GAME, MONA.
Usually I’m able to finish off a review by recommending (or not-recommending) things to people based on their likes and dislikes, even if I hate them – I loathed the Icicles rose dildo but it’d be a good choice for people who prefer a slimmer girth and texture, plus it worked out pretty well for butt stuff. I just have no idea how to do this here. It has more positive reviews than you can shake a stick at, but I know of other people who find it uncomfortable too and like, it should’ve worked for me; maybe it depends on the shape of your vag, which is obviously pretty difficult to get a cross-section of? What’s the magic formula? I don’t know. Does anyone know? Please tell me. I have a headache from thinking about it. Thanks a lot, Mona.
If you still want to snag yourself a Mona 2, I’m going to point you towards these lovely retailers –