Review – Lelo Mona 2

monaaaa

I feel like the Lelo Mona 2 is the sex toy equivalent of that one person everyone likes but me. Everyone’s like, ‘oh, but they’re so funny, and they have great taste in films, they’re a really good time!’ but they set me on edge every time I see them. I’ve tried to like them, I really have, but their annoying horsey laugh and overly physical tendencies are too much for me.

In real life, the Mona 2 is not an exceptionally irritating space invader with an unfortunate cackle, it’s a g-spot vibrator. A quiet, rechargeable g-spot vibrator made out of magical lint-repelling silicone with rumbly vibrations and a curvy swervy shape and oh my god it comes in red! – but still, I’m profoundly underwhelmed. I think I might be allergic to it.

To get right to the point – it just doesn’t agree with me internally. I’ve got it stuck inside me multiple times (this happens with the Ina Wave and njoy pure wand too but I actually like those so I’ll suck it up and deal with it), it hurts to insert, it hurts to remove, it hurts while it’s just hanging out in there. Everything hurrrrrts. The vibrations are strong but get progressively more high-pitched as you amp up the power; anything but the lowest speeds make my cunt feel all pins and needles-y. Let us not speak of the patterns.

I’ve tried to narrow down the issues I’m having with it so I can be like, ‘ah, it’d be fine if this wasn’t there’ but literally everything is wrong. It’s too long and the pointy tip jabs me in the cervix – I’m not a fan of anything touching me there even gently, let alone a sharp poke – and the bulge that’s intended for g-spot stimulation scrapes on withdrawal. It frequently gets stuck. The vibrations give me weird electra-vag feelings. At least it’s reasonably quiet?

monaoClitorally…it’s okay? I guess? I don’t actually use external vibes that much because I can barely ever find the combination of softness + weird shape + powerrr that works best for me (shoutout to We-Vibe for producing the almost-perfect Touch, which is my favourite clit vibe of all time) and the Mona 2 only has one point going for it – power. It’s strong enough to get me off but it’s too big, too unwieldy, and too firm, and the okay-ish orgasms aren’t worth the wrangling, frankly.

Eventually using it started to feel less like wanking and more like an unpleasant doctor’s appointment and I banished it to the bottom of the toolbox because fuck that, fuck it to hell. I am not going to exacerbate the constant feeling of being wired wrong in the hopes of finding the one position that this thing works in.

But by far the worst thing about the Mona 2 is the fact that I can’t even return it; my Mona 2 is apparently sentient, clearly hates me as much as I hate it and went missing about two months before Lovehoney’s ever-so-generous returns policy expired. I still have no idea where it is. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GAME, MONA.

Usually I’m able to finish off a review by recommending (or not-recommending) things to people based on their likes and dislikes, even if I hate them – I loathed the Icicles rose dildo but it’d be a good choice for people who prefer a slimmer girth and texture, plus it worked out pretty well for butt stuff. I just have no idea how to do this here. It has more positive reviews than you can shake a stick at, but I know of other people who find it uncomfortable too and like, it should’ve worked for me; maybe it depends on the shape of your vag, which is obviously pretty difficult to get a cross-section of? What’s the magic formula? I don’t know. Does anyone know? Please tell me. I have a headache from thinking about it. Thanks a lot, Mona.

If you still want to snag yourself a Mona 2, I’m going to point you towards these retailers –

Shevibe (US-based, intl) | Lovehoney (UK-based, intl) | Desires of the I.D (UK & EU)

5 Comments

  1. Trix 20/01/2015

    It’s funny, this week is the first time I’ve heard any dissenting opinions on the Mona, and I’m kind of relieved…something’s been holding me back for ages, and I wasn’t sure why. The price tag is certainly a factor, but I also don’t like the way the vibrations travel up my arm when I test it in a store (I don’t have full-on carpal tunnel, but I know I’d be uncomfortable holding it after a while). It also gives me bad flashbacks to the first Ina when I see it, even though the clitoral arm is what gave me the most trouble there…

    Reply
    • A C 21/01/2015

      I know there are a few other people who don’t like it or think it’s overrated, I think they just get drowned out a bit in the praise! Ah that’s funny you say that about the Ina because I wanted an Ina 2 foreverrrr (clampy goodness) but apparently the shaft is the exact same as the Mona? Such a bummer.

      Reply
      • Trix 21/01/2015

        I know that the Ina 2 is less clampy because the arm is spaced a little further away (the original model is REALLY clampy, though I’ve heard it becomes less so with lots of use). I looked up the specifications and apparently the girth is the same for both (1.3 inches), though the Mona head looks larger to me for some reason (maybe it’s an optical illusion, or just longer?). The texture of the silicone used to bother me with the Ina, and I’d imagine that’s the same on either toy.

        Reply
  2. Artemisia FemmeCock 20/01/2015

    You’re not alone!!! Also, it’s good to know that I’m not the only one who has gotten the Mona stuck inside them… *cringes*

    Reply
    • A C 21/01/2015

      I thought it was just me gettin things stuck up there until I read your review! We totally need a club or something. With badges. And a mascot.

      Reply

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