At some point last year, I decided the one thing I really, really wanted was an anal hook. It suddenly shot to the top of my wishlist and to be honest, I’m not even 100% sure what triggered it. The idea of predicament bondage doesn’t get me unusually hot and bothered or anything, but for some reason I couldn’t get the thought of one out of my head. Thankfully, the nice (and possibly telepathic) folks at Uberkinky put me out of my misery and sent me one to review earlier this month.
First things first – this thing is HUGE. It’s as long as my forearm! I could use it as a weapon! The ball portion measures 4 inches around, the straight portion of the hook measures 15 inches long (from the top of the loop to where it starts to curve out), and the whole thing from loop to end is 22 inches long. It’s not remotely discreet unless maybe you do a lot of diy, and it has that cold, smooth steel texture that I love so much. It’s also unusually lightweight for such a gigantic piece of kit. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a flimsy little thing in the slightest – I just didn’t expect it to be so light.
When it’s fully inserted the loop at the top rests just under my ribcage, and the length of it means that trying out rope designs or harnesses that are hip/lower body-centric was kind of awkward for me, especially as I’m very much a beginner. I started off attempting to make a rope strap-on harness that turned into a bizarre sort of shapewear shell, but I’ve managed to make some pretty fun (if not technically perfect) rope and scarf bras with it. It also has potential for use as a chastity device if that’s your thing, and it can be used for a bunch of different predicament bondage situations – attached to a collar, attached to a ceiling hook…I even strung it over my door just to see if it would stay in place* and after a couple of mishaps it was basically immovable, so if you’re running out of coat hooks or need something to dangle a fetching hanging basket from then I guess you’re in luck!
Actually having the hook inside me is definitely a unique sensation. It doesn’t feel like any buttplug I’ve tried before and the closest thing I can liken it to is when I use the njoy pure wand in my ass – it’s firm enough and curved enough that it pushes on my g-spot in the same weird/good way, but the stem is so much thinner, the end is more defined and there’s more length to play with, which I wasn’t expecting to like but surprisingly, I did. I’m not going to go sticking full-size dildos in my butt right away or anything but anal beads suddenly seem like a lot of fun. The only complaint I have is that I wish it was girthier, as four inches seems small to me now.
Using it vaginally was a novel experience but it’s not something I see myself doing often. It feels good but not great – it’s not as heavy as I’d like it to be and the length means I can’t roll it like I want to, plus I lose my grip on the skinny, shiny loop way too often. It’s nice enough, but I wouldn’t buy this solely to stick in my vag and no, it’s not a substitute for the pure wand.
I do have one reservation about this hook, and I don’t know if piercing terms can be applied to anal hooks but I’m going to use them anyway because it’s the best way to articulate it – this particular hook is externally threaded, where you screw the ball onto the stem. Internally threaded pieces of jewellery (and butt toys too, I suppose) have the screw extending out of the ball, and you screw it inside the stem for a closer, cleaner fit. This picture illustrates the difference. The external threading means that there’s a very slight gap between the stem and the ball, and that means that it’s more difficult to clean and as it doesn’t lock either, it could potentially unscrew itself in use.
Admittedly, I haven’t had any real problems so far. It doesn’t feel sharp, I haven’t experienced any random detaching and the tiny gap between the stem and the ball is so minuscule it’s almost negligible, but I’d still prefer it if it were permanently attached or internally threaded just for peace of mind and easier cleaning. I know this makes me sound like the sort of health & safety fanatic that everyone directs vitriolic hatred at (they’re just doing their job, guys!) but I’m quite attached to my innards and I like the things I put in them to be as safe as possible.
All in all, I’m pleased with My First Anal Hook™ and would like to thank the nice folks at Uberkinky for sending me it! It’s not perfect, but I’ve really enjoyed practising my rope skills with it and I’m going to be looking out for a shorter one with a girthier, permanently attached bulb in future – if anyone knows where I can find such a thing, hook me up? Cheers.
* just a fyi – if you’re reading this and Getting Ideas and intend on tying someone to your doorframe with a large hook in their ass any time soon, please use common sense and consult an experienced professional first. I don’t feel comfortable talking about this because I’m barely ever the one doing the tying and I have a ton to learn. I am not a professional and I don’t want to be responsible for anyone hurting themselves or someone else.