Review – Vibratex Mystic Wand

vibratex mystic wand

Reading about anal-induced haemorrhoids is THE definitive post-masturbation activity

I feel like battery-powered vibrators have majorly fallen out of favour over the past couple of years. I can understand why; with all the sleek, rechargeable sex toys about now, their battery run counterparts can seem a bit outdated in comparison. “Low-end”. Like finding a walkman in a charity shop and wondering how you ever used something like that. Enter the Mystic Wand – one of my favourite things to put on and around my genitalia, and powered by four thumping great AA batteries. No cord. No USB compatibility. Batteries.

I put off buying a Mystic Wand for aaages because I couldn’t find many recent reviews, and like an idiot I assumed that this was because it just wasn’t as good today as it had been two or three years ago, like, we have more options now, right? No. No forever and ever, as far as the eye can see. A sea of no! I actually regret not buying one earlier because it works so beautifully for me – I even find its power source weirdly reassuring.

Batteries are nothing if not practical; I have a ton of rechargeable toys, and they’re not going to last forever. It’s inevitable. One day I’m gonna try and switch my Smart Wand on or my We-Vibe Touch or whatever, and it’ll have exited this mortal realm while I was sleeping or eating or reading on the loo and there’ll be absolutely nothing I can do about it. I might always forget to buy batteries and have to sneak them from my alarm clock, but I’m not scared that I’ll have to replace the whole rig in two years time, yknow? I have a strange sort of faith in it.

batteriesThe Mystic Wand doesn’t seem nearly as popular in the UK as it does in the states and Canada, and I think this is partially down to how much it retails for over here – £49.99 at Lovehoney, which puts it into the same price category as a whole host of other broad coverage wands like the Bodywand, which is only £5 more, and Lovehoney’s deluxe magic wand. Like, why would you pay that much for something battery powered when you can get something that’s being marketed as a replacement Hitachi for the exact same price, right? It’s another one of those things where the same product is significantly cheaper in the US than it is in the UK due to stuff like import duty and VAT, which never fails to make me incredibly salty because a) it’s not faaair and b) the Mystic Wand is genuinely great. Having said that, I’d rather have universal healthcare than a £35 vibrator, no matter how good it is.

I guess the first word that springs to mind when I look at the Mystic Wand is ‘sturdy’ – it’s not particularly fancy, and I’m glad of that. The controls are easy to use with one button acting as a dedicated power on/kill switch and another to flick through the speeds, although took me an embarrassingly long length of time to twig that the ‘F’ on the top button stands for function and wasn’t put there as an attempt to confuse the slow-witted and anxious (me). The only thing I don’t love is the addition of two leds that light up while you’re using it  – an oval blue one and a smaller one that changes colour depending on the mode. It’s not like, an intense flashing that’s capable of bringing on an aura migraine or anything, but if you think it might bother you there’s a video on the Lovehoney product page that shows it off.



You get 6 different functions with the Mystic Wand: three speeds, three patterns, all ridiculously powerful. I literally never use the patterns but they’re like a turbo-charged version of the bog standard pulse pulse + escalation speeds you get on basically every vibrator ever – rumbly, but not particularly interesting for me. The first continuous speed though, ughhhhhhh, it’s like sitting on god’s washing machine; a low, intense purring that feels like it’s actually travelling into my body as opposed to just buzzing my vag to death. I don’t get bored of it, I don’t go numb, I could balance it between my thighs all day and not get fed up. There’s a slightly higher pitched second speed and a buzzier but alarmingly strong third speed that I can only just tolerate, but most of my devotion is focused on the first one. By some miracle it’s not especially loud for the amount of power it puts out either, but if you’re living in a shared house I’d advise that you stick a duvet over your legs first. And! And! The relatively small size means that you have enough room to use another toy with it or accommodate someone else.

The Mystic Wand is easily one of the best vibrators I’ve ever used. The vibrations are stellar and half the time I don’t even need to change speeds (!!!), it’s portable, easy to travel with, broad coverage, it fits nicely in my hand, you can use it during sex without wrestling with a snaky cord, the silicone head is just the right kind of grippy without dragging or itching, and I like the extra weight the batteries give it. It’s absurdly good for applying firm pressure without ending up with aching wrists, and the neck is genuinely flexible and not that weird ‘uh oh it kind of bends but not really, better not ever apply any pressure ever’ clicky-clacky thing I’ve found with other wands. I love it, and if you have one I hope you love it too.

If you’re also a fan of broad coverage, lovely rumbly vibrations and wands that don’t take two hands to grapple with, you can get yourself a Vibratex Mystic Wand from Lovehoney (£49.99, free postage within the UK) or Shevibe ($49.99, ships internationally, postage varies).

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