20 Sex Tips For Women

If you call me a pussy ANYWHERE – or question that I’m not in fact ‘a man’ – you’ll never even see my bedroom (or my immaculate Egyptian cotton bedding, which just feels so soft, babes…)

1. Everyone is not bisexual. Please don’t pretend you are because you’ve heard all men get off on it. We know they’re faking, and it’s OK – porn’s just a prop, after all. IRL, however, we don’t want you to pretend you’re a ‘trysexual’. We quite like that you fancy dudes. It works out well for us.

2. Dirty talk is completely necessary. Please tell us you like our bodies. You don’t need to exaggerate – we realise it’s not just like hopping on top of Dirk’s giant Diggler – but do flatter. We won’t get a big head. OK we might…AM I RIGHT, FELLAS?

3. If you like it rough, tell us up front – in fact, preferably in the pub earlier. We’re not going to try even an unsolicited tug of the hair, not in today’s ‘PC gone mad’ climate. No, sir.

4. If we shave our pubes, it’s because we think you like it. OK FINE, it’s because we want it to look bigger. Happy now? Give us a break. You started the ‘does size matter?’ debate, and never even had the common decency to answer your own question. (It’s a yes, BTW. We might look stupid, especially with our shorn ball sacks, but we’ve done a pretty good job of running the planet for the last few hundred thousand years. OK, bad example…)

5. Oral sex is not a trade off, or a perennial game of one-upmanship. Don’t do it to get it, or assume that’s what we’re doing. We’re not. We’re trying to turn you on. In fact, remember that last bit – because it’s essentially true of most blokes. Bear it in mind before you get all high and mighty about how shit we are. We’re trying – and not in the way you are … AM I RIGHT, FELLAS? (Sorry. That’s the last time…).

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