I think I might be fundamentally missing the point of the Hula Beads.

I’ve never been one for ‘love eggs’. It’s such a married-with-2-kids-and-a-silver-car thing – ‘hubby controlled this egg while we were in Tesco! it was such a turn on! lol!’ and all the ones I’ve experienced so far have been noisy and ugly. The Hula Beads are neither of these things, but they still didn’t work out for me. I’m starting think that I should stick to Lelo’s regular line in future, because me and this Insignia line just aren’t getting along like we’re supposed to.

Even though purple’s my least favourite colour, I’ve got to admit that the Hula Beads are ridiculously gorgeous. I have the deep rose set, and it’s a vampy, rich fuchsia offset by gold accents. I’m a total sucker for Lelo’s silicone; satin-smooth, it feels almost velvety, barely picks up dust, and covers the rigid inner workings with a silky, waterproof shell. They feel reassuringly sleek and weighty, but are let down a little by the highlights, which are disappointingly just gold-painted plastic. C’mon, Lelo – surely the £120 price tag warrants actual metal and not spraypainted ABS?

The Hula Beads are rechargeable and remote-controlled via ‘SenseMotion technology’ which essentially boils down to being able to control the included remote control by touch – tilting it, specifically. I reviewed the Ida previously and the remote was the only thing I liked about it, but I’m wondering if I got a faulty one this time round because I have absolutely no idea what it’s doing, ever. It vibrates! Noisily! Sometimes it refuses to turn off! It’s a neverending rollercoaster of adventure, that’s for sure. I’d try my Ida one with these to see there’s any difference, but it’s stopped working (I’ve not even had it a year?) and £29 for a replacement + £10 shipping isn’t an option.

If you don’t feel like wrestling with a temperamental remote control, your other option is switching modes via the teeny tiny button on the beads themselves, which is great, except for one thing – what are you meant to do when they’re inside you? Oh, that’s right, you pull them out and do it manually every time you want to switch it up. Or down. Or sideways.

Hmmmm. If the Hula Beads had, say, 3 modes I’d be okay with this, but they have 8. I never thought I’d be longing for 3 continuous modes and a standard pulse, but here we are, slippery-fingered and swearing with frustration. At least the silicone retrieval cord isn’t stretchy enough to slap you in the vulva?

The Hula Beads need an initial charge of 4 hours and while I was waiting for them to charge I found myself getting pretty excited. Even though they’re not really my thing and if I didn’t like them as intended, surely I could just use them as a plain old kegel egg? Ehhh, not quite – as I found out, they aren’t suited to my anatomy.

They feel clumsy and uncomfortable when they’re inside me, no matter how far I insert them or how much lube I use. They don’t hit my g-spot, either, but to be fair I wasn’t expecting them to as mine is shallow but high up. Overall…alien. Squirmy. Borderline ticklish. Too big. Too weird.

Depending on the kind of stimulation you like, the Hula Beads could work as a bullet vibrator for some people – as the tip slowly rotates, when lubed up it feels a little like a slow moving tongue. I think I’d like using them like this more if the vibrations were deeper – they’re definitely not high pitched and weak, but they feel shallow? They don’t feel like my body’s absorbing them properly. They’re also considerably noisier outside of the body, making a grating noise that sounds a little like a rotary whisk, although this is deadened significantly when they’re inserted.

Still. I was determined to find something to like about them because a) they’re really expensive and b) my Lelo rep was super sweet and I’d feel bad handing in a totally negative review. So my second idea was hey, why not put them in just before someone goes down on me? I do that with the Luna Beads, so surely it’d be even better with these?

It was nice – it’s quite difficult to fuck up oral sex, I think, although I’ve never tried a Sqweel or had a partner who wasn’t ‘gifted’ – but it didn’t add a whole lot to the experience. I like having something to grip around when I come, so there’s that, but I’d prefer that something to press against my g-spot when I do and these miss the mark. If I’m really honest, I missed having my partner’s fingers in me. And the stuff in the copy about having the second bead lay outside the vaginal opening to ‘stimulate your labia’? I’d like to know if the bright spark who came up with that actually tried it. It doesn’t feel like anything; it’s a total non-event.

There is one thing that I like about the Hula beads, though. One thing they do better than the Luna beads, or any cheapie vibrating eggs I’ve tried. Butt stuff. Don’t shout at me – I have no intention of putting the Hula Beads (or the Luna Beads, or any kind of beads that aren’t specifically designed to go butt-diving) in my butt as that is an AWFUL IDEA. Don’t do that! You’ll lose them in your butt forever! But putting something else in my butt while I’ve got the Hula Beads inserted as usual? Sure.

It’s so good. I need thorough warm-up as my partner’s significantly bigger than average, but it’s overwhelming in the best kind of way and that awkward clumsiness I get from them the rest of the time translates to an intense fullness. The only downside is that I can’t have them in me like that on a high setting or a pattern; these feel ‘pokey’, apparently.

As their last test, I decided to test out their extended wear potential and take them to work. There was no way I was going to wander around the offy with these in. The guy behind the counter once ‘young man’-ed me and now he scans my spaghetti hoops through in silence. No, it would be too strange, and too quiet – my work has enough background noise to cover up any telltale vibrating noises, I’m usually left to my own devices and I spend about an equal time sitting down and on my feet. Perfect. Spinny chairs: the final frontier.

I took these to work on a quiet day, got in early, nipped to the toilets, turned them onto the third setting, lubed up, inserted them and went back to my desk. Hm. I spun around on my chair. I got up and moved things around for the sake of it. I answered a phone call from someone who thought we were a swimming pool. I did a little chair dance. I grinned at people wandering in and out. Ha! Little did they know that I had a Cronenberg-esque rotating thing pulsating inside my vagina! I felt dirty, mildly uncomfortable and bored. I envied everyone without a tickly bauble in their orifices. Had my vagina fallen asleep? Is that a thing?

And then I clenched hard, really hard, that kind of ‘your fingers are going to look like witch grapes if you ever get them out of me’ flex, and the rotation seemed to slow*, leaving a low, grinding ‘bbbbrrrrrrrrr’ noise emanating from under my trousers. And that’s when I’d had enough.

I’m bored with the Hula Beads. Disappointed. A bit sad.They have their fleeting moments of ‘oh, fuck, that’s good’ but the rest of the time? No. The orgasms they did give me (I counted three, and ‘helped along’ is probably more accurate) are not worth £120.

They’re beautiful, granted, and yes, they’re a luxury product, but I just can’t recommend them based on my own experiences. I wouldn’t feel good about it. Get a set of Luna Beads instead; they’re much more fun, there’s a plethora of happy reviews out there, you get two sizes to choose from and they’re a fraction of the price.

I was sent the Hula Beads by Lelo in exchange for my review. Sorry Lelo, and I hope you don’t hate me by this point; if it’s any consolation I’m about two tealights away from constructing a full-blown shrine to Ella? If you think the Hula Beads might work for you, they can be purchased direct from Lelo or Lovehoney and Simply Pleasure.

* I just want to make this clear – I gave these to my girlfriend to see if she could slow the rotation like I managed to and she said she couldn’t. I haven’t read any other reviews where other people have been able to do this either, so I’m just assuming that the lethal combination of frustration and boredom gives me the ‘vagina like a steel trap’ superpower. Your mileage may vary.

I think I might be allergic to traditional harnesses.

Like, I get it, I really do – they’re practical, and you can get bigger dicks in them. They don’t slip. Interchangeable O-rings! But they’re strappy and fiddly and I’m conflicted on my leather feelings and I hate g-strings and I don’t think I have enough of an ass to wear a jock style without feeling like Hank Hill and and and…no. Just no. Enter stage – the SpareParts Bella. The femmiest, most Partition video harness I’ve ever laid eyes on.

The fabric the Bella’s made from is like a slightly thicker swimming-costume material but without the weird clammy feel. It feels very fluid, I suppose you’d say, and silky on the skin, with a bit of an unnerving Spanx effect – they pull me in at the hips and make my butt look all peachy and spankable. And it’s so comfortable. So, so comfortable – I’ve slept in this thing. It comes with four detachable garters and the cutout in the back frames butt cleavage like a fine painting.

A note on sizing: please stick to the size chart! SpareParts use a nifty sizing system based on moon phases, which sounds a bit woo-y but is actually unexpectedly accurate. Without getting too tiny violins and tell me about your childhood about it, I have a lot of body feelings – a funhouse mirror is an apt analogy – so obviously I completely ignored what the chart told me to do (get an L) and asked for an XL. Dickhead.

It’s not a total catastrophe, it just means that there’s a slight gap at the curve of my lower back, and the front is more prone to slipping when I’ve got a bigger toy in there. However, this is easily remedied by adjusting them to sit higher, nearer my waistline and less low-slung – which I think looks better on my body shape anyway. I’ve had no issues with it falling off my hips or sliding down when I don’t want it to, but when I’m standing up and walking around in it I can tell that it’d fit a little better if I had asked for a L. It’s just sliiightly too loose.

The Bella’s flexible O-ring seems to fit mid-size toys best, and by mid-size I mean the Tantus Goddess, Flurry, my Slow Drive fits in there nicely too, Vixskin Raquel & Mustang (although you might want to give your toy a wipe-down after you’ve worked it through, nothing kills the mood like a linty dick), even the Eternal Swan, a teeny tiny diminutive double dildo/vibrator sits in there happily.

Bigger toys, say, 6+ inches of girth, especially bulbous heads? Not so much. Trying to work the head of my Cush through it felt like pushing a baseball bat through a mousehole.

Switching your cock out mid-fuck isn’t as easy as it would be with a traditional harness, but with underwear style harnesses it never is. I’m not saying it’s difficult, because it’s not; it seems to mostly depend on the texture and size of what you’re using, actually. I have to wrestle a bit with my Raquel, whereas my Flurry pops out easily.

Despite frothy appearances, the Bella is built for fucking, and has a layer of thin, soft mesh behind the O-ring to prevent the base of your toy thwacking you in the pelvis and sticking, and two (!) vibe pockets – one above the O-ring, and one vertical, under the O-ring, meaning that the two of you get clit stimulation. Why doesn’t every harness come with this feature?! An issue most people seem to have with underwear harnesses is that they give them less control but I’ve honestly never had this issue with it; the O-ring doesn’t give a dick as much ‘perk’ as a metal one would, but I certainly don’t feel like I’m flopping about all over the place and slips are near-nonexistent.

As functional as it is pretty, the Bella even washes well. The house I live in has an ancient old washing machine that lives in the cellar (I believe it said ‘comes fitted with modern amenities’ in the ad) that’s fond of eating all your expensive lingerie and spitting it back out in a jumble of torn silk and matted lace, but Bella has gone through multiple times and come through unscathed. I can’t recommend this harness highly enough – it has two vibe pockets, it’s beautiful, practical, actually works, can fight an ageing washing machine and win…I’m in love.

The lovely people over at SpareParts supplied me with the Bella in exchange for a review, and I’m eternally grateful to them for doing it and bringing this piece of dreamy high femme kit into my life. Thanks guys! If you’d like to buy your own, you can get one direct from SpareParts or from Shevibe!

PS – sorry about the weird pictures in this review, I only ever seem to be at home when the light’s shifting.

If the Nomi Tang Better Than Chocolate (version 2!) were a girl she’d wear bandage dresses and a lot of Kurt Geiger and have a city boyfriend. She’d have caramel hair, smell like vanilla and Miss Dior, make an effort to drink three litres of water a day and her favourite Naked palette would be the third one. She’d probably have a tattoo of an ampersand or a feather on her inner wrist. Someone well-adjusted and sleek and pretty and smart, someone that I can’t fault because the only things I don’t like are just up to personal preference.

The btc2’s shaped to fit against the human body, almost like a sleeker version of the Layaspot, and made from a buttery smooth pink or plum silicone. There’s a faint seam running around the sides, but I can only feel it with my thumb, and there’s a little tiny hole in the backside where you push in your charging jack. It’s USB rechargeable, waterproof up to a metre, and it also comes in cute packaging, for those of you who are into that. The manual actually asks to ‘please reuse the decorative box by storing nice things inside’. Aww.

Okay. So. The btc2 boasts ‘touch technology’, which I was poised to hate, actually, but – this is something I should never ever ever have to say, step your game up sex toy manufacturers, c’mon – surprisingly usable. You turn it on by pressing the power button, and to amp up the intensity of whichever setting you’re currently on you slide a finger down the little touch panel. It’s good. It’s a nice feature. I wouldn’t want it on every toy I own but it works, and it works well. You can also lock the vibrations by holding down on the logo, which initially I thought was a bit odd but it’s infinitely useful when I’m using it during sex or with a penetrative toy.

The vibrations are niiiiice; a low purr that borders on rumbly. Think the lower levels of the Touch crossed with the irohas, if you need a comparison. A purr really is the best way to describe it, I think, as the btc2 is almost completely silent. I have sensitive ears and the noises that some more powerful vibrators make can start to make my brain feel like it’s rattling around in my skull, but the tc2 just sits in my lap and purrs softly*, and a duvet over the top muffles it to a faint thrum. It seems to get louder on the chacha/chaotic patterns, but as I only ever use the wave and the constant vibration this isn’t a huge issue for me.

The shape of the btc2 works so fucking well for my body; I think I’ve written about my ‘ehhh’ attitude towards bullets before because they don’t allow for the kind of pressure and all over coverage that I like, but the btc2’s little dip is nearly perfect. It literally hugs my vulva! I don’t have to work for an orgasm at all. If I were going to nitpick I’d ask that the dip be a little shallower but this is obviously an anatomy thing and I think as far as one-size-fits-all goes, they’ve just about nailed it.

And my absolute favourite thing to do with the btc2? Fuck with it. Lie on your belly, slip it under yourself (this is where the lock function comes in handy) and, er, y’know. Go at it. I swear I saw stars.

The only issue I really have is that the vibrations are very concentrated in the primary tip of the btc2, with the other end left feeling a bit neglected and sad. Although thinking about it, I’m not sure if I would like the vibrations to travel all the way through it as that’s a sure-fire way to get a numb palm. You win some, you lose some? Maybe it could be rumblier, too – but if you take cost into consideration, the btc2 is listed at $89/£52 on Nomi Tang’s website, which is a couple of notes lighter than the irohas, either We-Vibe clit vibe and a few pounds more than a magic wand or Lelo Mia.

If so-rumbly-it-scared-my-cat vibrations are your thing, and you like painfully pinpoint stimulation, it probably won’t do marvels for you, but for me? I like it a lot.

I was contacted by Nomi Tang and asked to review the Better Than Chocolate (version 2!) in exchange for an honest review. If you’d like to buy your own, you can get one direct from their website!

* like a tiny silicone lap cat. kind of.

I am not the biggest fan of my vag.

I like other people’s. I like most vaginas – I think they’re great! They’re magical! They’re like flowers, or oysters! There’s a Georgia O’Keeffe print in the bathroom! But I have gender feelings about mine, big bad weird ugly gender feelings, and there’s no amount of ‘but look how pretty’ (validation via only ‘prettiness’ is not the way I want to go about anything in my life, but thanks) and ‘the human body is incredible’ (blech) that can make those go away.

But if anything’s going to make me happy that I have one, it’s the Pure Wand.

The njoy Pure Wand is a sleek curve of stainless steel that’s a pain in the butt to photograph and weighs in at a hefty 1.5lbs, or 680g – think a jar of golden syrup. It’s been carefully weighted and each end has a different circumference, the bigger bulb being 4.5 inches around and the smaller measuring 3.25 around. Completely smooth with a mirror shine – except for the njoy logo, which I think is in a brushed steel finish? – it’s a beautiful piece of work, and could probably do some serious damage if you were to drop it on your foot. Don’t do that.

STORYTIME – before I really begin, I feel like I kind of to have to mention squirting in some capacity* here as this has been touted time and time again as some kind of divining rod for prostates and g-spots alike. I don’t squirt. I’ve done it twice, hated it, and I have no interest in doing it again. This is a non-negotiable thing. I’m sure the Pure Wand is more than capable of making me squirt again, it definitely feels like it could – but I can’t help anyone with that. Sorry fronds.

The day my Pure Wand arrived (I was very emotional) I wasn’t as productive with it as I’d like to have been – usually I like to use things the second I get them, but it was cold outside. And the steel was freezing. And there was no hot water. Rainy days in England have this incredible effect on the body where you feel instantly miserable as soon as you’re under that grey sky, and the furthest thing on my mind was wanking. But eventually the weather got warmer – unbearably warm – and as it turns out, a sunny day with a clear blue sky and a sharp chill is the best kind of weather for stuffing yourself full of steel.

The bigger bulb seems to be what most people use but I’ve not really been able to get along with it; it feels too big, unwieldy, too heavy, uncomfortable, bulky. It’s the same feeling I get when I haven’t warmed up properly and I’m trying to use something internally – except it feels like that aaaaaaaall the time. It’s very possible that this is just a learning curve I have yet to master, but for now the big end is relegated to other people’s vaginas and for the odd shoulder/leg massage.

The little end though, oh god, I don’t know how it does it but it does it so well. It’s like a heat-seeking missile for g-spot stimulation; all I have to do is apply a little bit of lube, nudge it upwards and rock it back and forth. My g-spot’s shallow but placed higher up, and the Pure Wand finds it and basically hammers it into submission in the best kind of way – like, I paired it with the We-Vibe Touch and was completely unable to walk afterwards. It’s that good. The only downside is that after relentlessly banging away at my vagina with a pound and a half of steel my arm starts to hurt and I sometimes have to admit defeat; but luckily for me I have a girlfriend whose arms are considerably stronger than mine and who really likes watching me bite the pillow.

Getting a Pure Wand has also managed to increase my all-consuming lust for a Pure plug tenfold; if this feels good in my butt, then what’s a Pure plug going to feel like? How well crafted is that going to be? It’s so smooth that I don’t need that much warmup, and it does something that only my large Rosebud plug has done before (and that’s only if I lie on my back & pull my knees up) – it stimulates my g-spot. It feels even more intense, if that’s possible, although I still prefer it in my vag.

I love the Pure Wand. I am a convert. There isn’t a position it doesn’t feel good in, although I think it feels the best on my hands and knees, or on my back with my legs pulled up. It can be used with any lubricant, it’s easy to clean, it comes with a storage box, it’s gonna last me forever and it can be brought to my favourite temperature by soaking it in a sink of warm water. I’m a bit scared it’s going to replace all my other insertable toys, if I’m honest, but I love it so much I almost don’t care. Engrave ‘apricot 4 njoy’ in a heart on a tree, because I am in looooooooove.

I bought my Pure Wand from Lovehoney, but you can also buy it at Shevibe and Sh!

* hahahahahhahaah capacity

The Pearly (doesn’t it sound like a missing Pink Lady?) is part of Fun Factory’s line of mini vibes – fairly self explanatory, they’re a range of nine vibrators of diminutive shape and stature that happen to be ‘perfect for your handbag’. Y’know. Just in case you need a wank on your lunch break. This one happens to be a rabbit style, comes in two delicious colours: candy green* and grape, is rechargeable via a USB click-n-charge system, fully submersible and has a TRAVEL LOCK. Great, right?

Fun Factory’s controls are definitely my preferred kind – clacky buttons! A dedicated on/off button! Tons of functions! TRAVEL LOCK! Like, I’m not even a pattern person, I usually skip right through, but these are a little bit more imaginative than your average pulse-pulse-pulse, even featuring something called a ‘razzle dazzle’ sequence that feels exactly like it sounds – like a team of tiny jazz dancers tip-tapping their way around my vag in the best way possible. Never change, Fun Factory.

In case you hadn’t grasped it from the title and how lonely it looks on my not especially wide windowsill, the Pearly is truly a mini vibe – the internal shaft measures 3 inches of insertable length and it has just shy of four inches in girth. I honestly don’t remember the last time I held an insertable toy this small. It’s positively adorable, a pint sized pocket rocket with vibrations that are…nothing to turn your nose up at, actually, they’re definitely not as powerful as the deep purr that emanates from my girlfriend’s Big Boss but they are STRONG. High frequency? Yes. Shallow and prone to disappearing when you apply the slightest hint of pressure? No.

Does it hit my g-spot? Nope. There is absolutely no hope of sweet, darling Pearly contributing to a g-spot orgasm unless I repeatedly shove it violently upwards, like my vagina has two floors and the person on the top floor is playing ‘best ukelele covers summer 2k13′ at an earthshattering volume**. Having said that, I’m not sure if it’s really designed for g-spot stimulation – a slight upward curve does not a g-spot toy make – and it does what an internal vibrator is meant to do; it feels good. I like having something to clench around, and the subtle texture paired with Fun Factory’s notoriously draggy silicone pulls in the best kind of way.

So. The Pearly comes thiiiiiis close to fitting my anatomy perfectly, but the ‘pearl’ for clit stimulation is just a few mm short of where I’d like it to be; it’s not that it’s not placed far enough up the shaft as the internal portion is short enough for me to insert comfortably (do you hear that holy, twinkly sound in the distance? it’s the short vag gods beaming their blessing down upon me), but it needs to be a little bigger, a little more oval maybe. Perhaps the longer external portions of the Dolly or Tango would’ve been better.

I can’t say I didn’t anticipate the all-too-common fitting problem though, being skeptical of rabbit vibrators in the first place, and it’s no big deal at this point; I keep my favourite clit vibes next to my bed for a reason, you know? There’s enough room down there that I can push whatever I grab first against the bits the external piece fails to hit, which leads to this weird, achingly pinpoint but at the same time not at all sensation. It makes me squirm like a snake that forgot to file its income tax. It’s, uh, pretty great – but shouldn’t it be doing that all by itself?

For me, the Pearly was not a dual-stimulation wonder. It hasn’t changed my mind on rabbit vibrators (I think the concept of them is inherently flawed and it’s unrealistic and kind of dreadful to tout them as a beginners, one-size-fits-all dream vibe). But it has managed to grow on me like a friendly little fungus; I’ve found myself using it often and it lives next to my bed for easy access. I like how small it is, and how I don’t need to warm up to use it,  the vibrations are a nice mid range buzz, and I don’t have to fiddle around for ages trying to get it to do that one thing I really like. You can stay, Pearly.

The Pearly was kindly provided to me by the nice people over at Fun Factory. Thanks guys! You can buy the Pearly direct from their website (click here if you’re a customer from the US/Canada/Mexico) for €64.

*The pastel hue reminds me of these little apple sweeties.
**The Pearly is a broom in this analogy – waving your vibrator at the ceiling whenever a housemate decides to play ukelele covers is completely ineffective, if a nice arm workout.