The Pearly (doesn’t it sound like a missing Pink Lady?) is part of Fun Factory’s line of mini vibes – fairly self explanatory, they’re a range of nine vibrators of diminutive shape and stature that happen to be ‘perfect for your handbag’. Y’know. Just in case you need a wank on your lunch break. This one happens to be a rabbit style, comes in two delicious colours: candy green* and grape, is rechargeable via a USB click-n-charge system, fully submersible and has a TRAVEL LOCK. Great, right?

Fun Factory’s controls are definitely my preferred kind – clacky buttons! A dedicated on/off button! Tons of functions! TRAVEL LOCK! Like, I’m not even a pattern person, I usually skip right through, but these are a little bit more imaginative than your average pulse-pulse-pulse, even featuring something called a ‘razzle dazzle’ sequence that feels exactly like it sounds – like a team of tiny jazz dancers tip-tapping their way around my vag in the best way possible. Never change, Fun Factory.

In case you hadn’t grasped it from the title and how lonely it looks on my not especially wide windowsill, the Pearly is truly a mini vibe - the internal shaft measures 3 inches of insertable length and it has just shy of four inches in girth. I honestly don’t remember the last time I held an insertable toy this small. It’s positively adorable, a pint sized pocket rocket with vibrations that are…nothing to turn your nose up at, actually, they’re definitely not as powerful as the deep purr that emanates from my girlfriend’s Big Boss but they are STRONG. High frequency? Yes. Shallow and prone to disappearing when you apply the slightest hint of pressure? No.

Does it hit my g-spot? Nope. There is absolutely no hope of sweet, darling Pearly contributing to a g-spot orgasm unless I repeatedly shove it violently upwards, like my vagina has two floors and the person on the top floor is playing ‘best ukelele covers summer 2k13′ at an earthshattering volume**. Having said that, I’m not sure if it’s really designed for g-spot stimulation – a slight upward curve does not a g-spot toy make – and it does what an internal vibrator is meant to do; it feels good. I like having something to clench around, and the subtle texture paired with Fun Factory’s notoriously draggy silicone pulls in the best kind of way.

So. The Pearly comes thiiiiiis close to fitting my anatomy perfectly, but the ‘pearl’ for clit stimulation is just a few mm short of where I’d like it to be; it’s not that it’s not placed far enough up the shaft as the internal portion is short enough for me to insert comfortably (do you hear that holy, twinkly sound in the distance? it’s the short vag gods beaming their blessing down upon me), but it needs to be a little bigger, a little more oval maybe. Perhaps the longer external portions of the Dolly or Tango would’ve been better.

I can’t say I didn’t anticipate the all-too-common fitting problem though, being skeptical of rabbit vibrators in the first place, and it’s no big deal at this point; I keep my favourite clit vibes next to my bed for a reason, you know? There’s enough room down there that I can push whatever I grab first against the bits the external piece fails to hit, which leads to this weird, achingly pinpoint but at the same time not at all sensation. It makes me squirm like a snake that forgot to file its income tax. It’s, uh, pretty great – but shouldn’t it be doing that all by itself?

For me, the Pearly was not a dual-stimulation wonder. It hasn’t changed my mind on rabbit vibrators (I think the concept of them is inherently flawed and it’s unrealistic and kind of dreadful to tout them as a beginners, one-size-fits-all dream vibe). But it has managed to grow on me like a friendly little fungus; I’ve found myself using it often and it lives next to my bed for easy access. I like how small it is, and how I don’t need to warm up to use it,  the vibrations are a nice mid range buzz, and I don’t have to fiddle around for ages trying to get it to do that one thing I really like. You can stay, Pearly.

The Pearly was kindly provided to me by the nice people over at Fun Factory. Thanks guys! You can buy the Pearly direct from their website (click here if you’re a customer from the US/Canada/Mexico) for €64.

*The pastel hue reminds me of these little apple sweeties.
**The Pearly is a broom in this analogy – waving your vibrator at the ceiling whenever a housemate decides to play ukelele covers is completely ineffective, if a nice arm workout.

The Double-O is fairly slim, and measures just shy of 8 inches long. It’s got a distinct bend to it, each textured half curves upwards and with the bulbous ends it’s no surprise that it’s marketed mainly as a g-spot stimulator. The two textures each provide different sensations – one side has large, evenly spaced bumps, and the other a long, slender swirl. I’m not going to say it’s butt safe because it doesn’t have a flared base – I guess you could count the opposing bulb as a barrier of some kind, but I wouldn’t risk it. We all know how I feel about buttholes.

The Double-O surprised me in that I actually prefer the end with the swirls over the lumpy bumpy end. I’ve never actually owned a toy with swirls like this on before – is that weird? do I get my texture slut card revoked for admitting that? – and I love the ones on this dildo. The bumps are perfectly fine too, don’t get me wrong, they’re not abrasive or unpleasant by any means – slightly bigger and spaced further apart than the ones on my beloved Octopussy, and the curve of the Double-O means that it works way better for external stimulation than most straight toys do, and I prefer the bumpy end for that over the swirly end, but when it comes down to actually sticking this in myself – I choose the swirly/curly/twisty end every time.

The swirls are slim, but raised just high enough off the surface that I can feel really feel ‘em. This is a bit of a novelty to me – the one remotely curly dildo I previously owned was the Icicles 29, which has a swirly texture but it’s like, engraved into the surface of the toy as opposed to raised off it. It was disappointing. Anyway, the far superior twisty end of the Double-O does…things to my insides. Really good things. It doesn’t do anything particularly innovative, it doesn’t rub up on my g-spot like the Cush or Comet wand do – it just feels really, really good.

I also found out that I can do this SUPER COOL THING with the Double-O – I can rotate it! It’s long enough to have room for my hand on the bumpy end (I was going to say ‘whichever end I’m not using’ but c’mon, when am I ever using the lumpy end inside of me, my love for the swirl is strong and unyielding), and if I pull my knees up or lie with my butt up, face down in the pillow I can turn rotate it in small circles, much like you would with one of those dildos with the tiny handles on and it. Feels. Incredible. Even if I do feel a bit like a sexy version of one of those wind-up dolls while I’m doing it. The one thing I have to watch out for when doing my rotate-y thing is trying to avoid getting lube all over the other end, but I guess this is where latex gloves would come in handy.

Speaking of my g-spot, the Double-O doesn’t work for me as a toy specifically for g-spot stim. It should do – look at those bulbs! Feeeeeeeel the firmness! But it doesn’t, and that’s okay. Not every toy is going to do that for me. It does provide some stimulation, but I can’t seem to angle it right to get any more out of it. It’s just not a g-spot toy for me, it’s no Cush or Comet wand, but nor is my Tantus Splash, and I love that thing so much I think it might actually be the one sex toy I’d save if my house were on fire. Everything else feels so good that I can overlook that.

I can’t shake the feeling that the reflection of a DSLR would look much more impressive than my phone.

Cleaning’s a bit of a pain, as with all textured glass dildos, and I swear this glass picks up fingerprints more easily than any other glass toy I have. Maybe it’s because it’s higher quality or maybe it’s something to do with clarity or maybe it’s just the dark green showing up my greasy prints more than say, a clear or pastel toy.

A Touch of Glass – who go by EroticGlass on twitter, and their website is actually theglassdildoshop.co.uk - were nice enough to provide the Double-O to me in exchange for a review. I really can’t recommend them highly enough, and they have a huge array of toys to choose from! Also, they package their toys exceptionally well – mine was sent to me in a box literally filled to the brim with polystyrene pellets, which exploded out of the box when I cut it open and gave the cat her very own 30 second mini-festival. Although I am still finding them behind my desk, which probably says more about my cleaning skillz than anything.