The Irohas are obnoxiously adorable. Plush and palm-sized, they look like minimalist animations come to life and come in three different varieties – sakura (cherry blossom), midori (a little green thing. a leaf? a pear?), and yuki (snowman), each intended for a different purpose.

Getting the kind of stimulation I prefer out of vibrators is difficult for me; the one external vibe I’ve found so far that rivals my fingers is the We-Vibe Touch, thanks to that scoop shape it’s got going on. It’s like surround sound for my clit! I just wish it was softer because I like a shitton of pressure and pushing that scoop against my clit for twenty minutes feels great at the time, but then I wind up with bruised inner labia and that’s not fun. The Irohas, I think, seem to be aimed more at pinpoint stimulation using their respective tips, using a light touch to take full advantage of the silky soft ‘skin’.

That magical, dust repellent (it really is dust repellent – I have no idea how they did it but nothing sticks to these, Tenga delivered on that) skin is a little bit of a letdown for me and yet another reason why you should probably go to a sex toy shop to feel up the items you’re interested in before you drop cash on them.* The issue I have is that in pictures, the Irohas look like puffy marzipan sweeties and you assume – I did, anyway – that the squishiness goes far deeper than it actually does. The reality is that you can push your fingernail onto the Irohas and touch the firm plastic that lurks a few millimetres beneath. This very quickly dashed all my daydreams of literally hugging a fluffy cloud to my genitals and brought me back down to earth with a thud. Oops. They’re not as quiet as they look, either – I imagined they’d emit a soft purr at most but I have to smuggle them under the duvet to use them if anyone else is around.

With three speeds and a single (!) vibration pattern that I literally never use, the Irohas aren’t overly complex – until you get to the elaborate charging setup. Each Iroha comes in what looks like a pretty display case, which is actually the charging port. You plug this into the mains using the plug provided and wait 2 hours for it to charge, because a magnetic click-n-charge cable would just be too easy and of course everyone has the privacy required to be able to do this. The controls are located on the flat underbelly of each Iroha, and thankfully the buttons are the clicky raised kind – if they were the flat Lelo kind I don’t know if I’d ever be able to change the speed in use. It’s not waterproof, either, which…really? Really?

The vibrations the Irohas give off are nothing to turn up your nose at. Rumblier than your average clit vibe and more powerful for sure than the Lelo Mia 2, they’re more than enough for me and I use them both frequently. They’re a nice middle ground for people who don’t really know what they like, I think, and they give me warm, fuzzy orgasms. I want to roll over and take a lil nap afterwards. I prefer the shape of the Sakura over the Yuki; I can smush the squishy pincers of the Sakura around for a kind of clit-cuddle, and I use the Yuki by pressing and rolling the little head (I guess you’d call it a ‘head’ – it is a snowman) around, like a massage on a very small scale. I don’t use it internally as suggested; yes, the first three inches of the vagina might hold the most nerve endings, but inserting that small satiny sphere does absolutely fuck all for me.

I generally don’t talk much about price in my reviews, but I think that unless you’re looking for a very particular kind of stimulation (more of a brushing motion than intense pressure, maybe, preferring pinpoint to diffuse) the price is almost prohibitively high. I do admire Tenga, they rank up there with Fun Factory on my list of companies whose toys I want to collect and leave out on display like sculptures in their own right, and I understand that these are ~luxury products~, and yes, they’re body-safe and yes, they’re rechargeable, but £64.99 for an external use only vibrator that produces ever-so-slightly rumblier than average vibrations and isn’t even waterproof just doesn’t seem fair. I didn’t pay full price for either of mine; I was bought the Yuki by dream babe, who got it on Lovehoney’s deal of the day, and purchased the Sakura myself when it went on sale over christmas. If they died and they weren’t under warranty, would I buy them again? Sure! If they were on sale.

Coincidentially, the Yuki and the Midori (an adorable pastel green pear that I feel like I need – Gritty Woman has an extremely in-depth review of it here) are both on sale at Lovehoney right now, so you CAN get yourself a snowman and a pear for a fair price. I like the Irohas. They’re soft, small, easy to use and travel well – not counting the ridiculous charging/display box – and the vibrations are a comfortable middle ground rumble. I just think they might be a tiny bit overpriced, that’s all.

*if you live near one – I don’t anymore. Sad trombone.

The Rose is nearly eight inches long and fairly slim but it has a bunch of differing measurements thanks to all those bulbs – the girthiest part, the bud, measures 5″ around, the middle bulb 4″ around, and the bottom bulb 5″ again. The skinny bit, the stem I guess, thins out to 1″ directly under the bud and the piece above the fattest bottom bulb is 2″. It’s completely straight, has a flared base, no g-spot or p-spot bend, and any texture is restricted to the bud, which has sculpted petal detailing that’s good for clit stimulation. Allegedly.

I get pink around the ears whenever something (usually a dildo) gets ‘great for clit stim’ slapped on it because it has a tiny bit of texture, it just seems redundant – like, it’s not exactly a Herculean feat, I could probably rub a Tropicana bottle on my clit and it’d feel good. Mmmmm, nodules.To take advantage of those textured petals I had to basically twirl this thing on my clit, which makes me feel like a fucking idiot if nothing else. The payoff isn’t worth the embarrassment I felt when my girlfriend was watching me jiggle this thing on my vulva like I was practising for some kind of obscene rhythmic gymnastics routine.

The Rose feels like such a non-event inside of me that it’s not even funny. I get angry when I think about the total lack of an impression this piece of glass left on me. There’s no curve to it and if I want it to rub up on my g-spot I have to angle it in a way that makes my hand cramp and it’s just not worth the effort, like, I have toys that hit my g-spot without even trying, what’s the point? Why am I deluding myself into thinking that this is one day going to feel good for me? The girth is inconsistent and I get nothing from the smooth bulbs, not that I can fully take advantage of them – the curse of the short vag strikes again and I can’t get beyond the second one. I truly have no idea why it feels this boring because it’s trying SO HARD and like, I love texture, this should’ve worked for me! I’m simultaneously upset for and offended by the Rose. I’ve tried everything! I’ve pinned my ankles behind my ears for this thing!

It’s not tooooootally useless – as someone who likes plugs but not actual phallic objects in their butt, this is a nice middle ground and the bulbs actually feel vaguely enjoyable this way. I don’t like the way the petals feel but I don’t like ‘em on my vag either and I generally keep my butt a texture-free zone (you better cut, file and buff your fingernails before you go down there, js) so this isn’t surprising. It still makes me mad to look at though, like, how can something try this hard and be this mediocre? Who allowed this to happen? I want to speak to the manager.

I don’t even know what to say. Maybe this is one of these things where context is super important and it feels 10x better when someone else is using it on you and they’ve bought it for you as a touching anniversary/v-day/birthday gift. Maybe it’s just my vag. Maybe it’s actually as boring as I think it is. Either way, I won’t know because I’ve returned it, and I’ve never been more grateful for Lovehoney’s returns policy.

I bought my Rose over at Lovehoney for £34.99.

I probably should’ve put a jumper on that wasn’t covered in paint before I took this. Sorry to ruin your big moment, cush.

The Cush is all kinds of adorable for something that’s seven inches long and so girthy that I can only just fit my whole hand around the widest part. I received mine in the candy colour, which looks like someone poured a carton of semi-melted strawberry sorbet into a dildo mould and let it set, and as it’s from Tantus’ dual density O2 line it’s got this plush outerlayer that’s especially squishable (is that a word? I’m making it a word) at the tip – I can pinch and prod at this thing all day! It’s like one of those desktop stress relievers, except it’s phallic and you put it in your various orifices. For stress relief. And orgasms.

The Cush is a chubby little cutie – it measures just shy of 6 inches around over the bulgy tip, the prominent ridge midway down the shaft and at the base, where it feels firmest and the outerlayer is thinnest. It’s safe for butt stuff and even fits into my RodeoHs, but it causes major sagging and I have to wander around with this piece of semi-translucent silicone dangling between my thighs like a cowboy. The soft matte silicone attracts every bit of dust within a two foot radius, although not as badly as my other, shinier, grippier Tantus toys do (Goddess & Splash), but I would not advise an impromptu dildo-blowie unless you’ve just given it a good rinse. Even I don’t know why I keep doing that, you’d think I’d know better by now but I guess all my primary school teachers were right and I’m doomed to go through life getting lint in my mouth one way or another.

The Cush is currently the biggest insertable toy I own, and as it’s sooooo girthy (do not underestimate how big it is, I know I didn’t fully realise quite how large it is until I actually had one in my hands) I definitely need warmup before I use the Cush –  I’ve fallen into doing this three-step thing, kind of like my evening skincare routine, but instead of oil cleanse, tone, and moisturise, it’s wand, something glassy, Cush. I really can’t stress how important lube is here either, I’m actually on the lookout for a new, thicker but still water-based one as my much-beloved Sliquid H20 doesn’t work as well as I want it to with this unless I seriously slather it in the stuff. It’s too runny.

Oh my god though, it’s so worth the fuss. I don’t know what it does or how it does it but mary mother of christ and all her angels, jesus be a fence around me and protect me from the devil because this thing is STUPID good. The only explanation I can come up with is that it really fills me up – ugh, most disgusting wording ever, sorry – and as a result my g-spot has nowhere to hide. I don’t even have to work at it! It’s magic. Other people have mentioned in their reviews of the Cush that it can be difficult to thrust with because of the broad flat base, but I don’t really thrust with my dildos, I tend to do more of a jiggly movement, so this isn’t an issue for me.

I do have a little bit of a gripe with it though. That gorgeous ridge midway down the shaft? I stand no chance of getting that inside of me and it is maddening. Depending on how I’m using it or having it used on me, the deepest I’ve been able to take it is so that the ridge is just about tickling my vaginal entrance. So close! So far away! This is such a shame because I lllllove texture and I was really looking forward to feeling that beautiful ridge, but I guess it’s just not meant to be for me and my shallow vag. It’s also been puzzling me a bit, because I can definitely take my Mustang deeper than I can the Cush, and my dude-thing is around the same size as the Cush but slightly longer and thicker round his, uh, base? and I know that he goes deeper than the Cush. Maybe it’s because the 02 silicone has less give? If you can take this glorious toy in your butt or vag deep enough to feel that ridge, I salute you and please tell me all about it so I can live vicariously through you.

The Cush also works really well for harness use and as you’d expect, being fucked with it is amaaazing. I almost prefer using it that way to using it for masturbation but it can get a little overwhelming in the best kind of way with all that girth, and we have to use a more heavy-duty harness than we would with a smaller dildo as it does have a tendency to flop about and sometimes needs a bit of a helping hand.

I love, love, love my Cush. I like larger dildos to be squishy, and while it’s not as soft as I’d like it to be it’s still plushy enough to satisfy me – if you’re wondering about how O2 holds up to Vixskin, Vixskin is significantly softer and feels more ‘realistic’, but the O2 is more matte, doesn’t collect as much dust, doesn’t have the same borderline-tacky quality that Vixskin has and is less prone to sliding about. It’s cute as fuck and I don’t even have to do any weird angling to get it to hit my g-spot the way I want it to, it just does! It’s a true marvel. Thankyou, Tantus, for making this perfectly formed chunk of premium silicone, and please don’t ever discontinue it or I’ll cry, probably.

I was sent the Cush by the total angels over at Tantus in exchange for a review.

The Mia is soooooo pretty. In fact, it’s soooooo pretty that I thought about setting up one of those ridiculous photos for it, where you have a beautiful buttery-soft leather handbag lying on its side, with a brand new lipstick spilling out next to a nail polish in a corresponding colour, then something totally irrational, like a fresh flower or a pearl necklace, and in the middle of it all, your luxxxury clit vibe, inexplicably without a storage bag and somehow completely intact and free from cat hair/lint/general dirt. Who keeps a £15 lipstick knocking around in the bottom of their bag anyway? I don’t care how well groomed or neat you are, if you keep doing that one day you’ll stick your hand in there to feel around for your wallet or something and come out with the tips of your fingers covered in Creme d’Nude or Ruby Woo or whatever it is that floats your fancy lipstick boat. I like Morange, personally. Why don’t I live in a world where I can match my sex toys to my mouth?*

My Mia came to me in a very discreet brown box with no clue to what’s inside, which I’m thankful for – I normally buy from the same two companies and whenever I order from a new one I’m terrified it’ll arrive emblazoned with ‘FOREVER DONGS – YOUR PREMIUM RUBBERWANG WHOLESALERS’ or something, but no worries here. The Lelo packaging was as classy as ever, and it comes with a manual, storage bag, sachet of Lelo lube and a registration card.

The Mia 2 likes to tout itself as being travel-friendly, thanks to the relatively subtle shape and size – I’m not entirely sold that other people wouldn’t twig what the pink and purple versions are, but the black one looks pretty innocuous – and the lock function, which you can enable by pressing down on the + and – buttons at the same time for three seconds, which means if I want to travel with it I don’t have to do that thing where you swaddle it in a pair of tights or three and then sit gripped with fear just in case it goes off for the whole length of your journey. It’s also surprisingly light, I was expecting it to be way weightier than it was but it’s one of the most lightweight vibrators I’ve ever held, only slightly heavier than the Tracey Cox bullet I’ve shown it next to – that’s with the battery removed – and much lighter than both my Tango and Iroha Sakura. Also, it’s made of shiny ABS plastic which is easy to clean and attracts NO LINT AT ALL. Except for the silicone buttons. They will still attract lint. Ugh, lint.

Mia is simple to use and recharge – just plug into your laptop or computer, an LED under the buttons’ll flash to show that it’s charging, and when it’s done charging it’ll stop flashing but remain on to remind you, hey, I’m still here, you can unplug me now. You adjust the intensity of the constant vibration and skip through the pattern settings by pressing the + and – buttons respectively, and when you’re done you just hold the – button, where it does a rather satisfying downward scale until it turns itself off. I haven’t had the battery run out on me once but this is probably because the USB compels me to plug it in to charge after nearly every use. It’s just too easy! For your stats books, though, the longest time I’ve used it for so far has been around 45 minutes and it didn’t lose any strength towards the end of that time.

I’m definitely not a power queen. I go numb easily, and I don’t really like bullet vibes either because of how small they feel – ideally I need something with an indent or a broad surface area, or a lot of the time I end up giving up and finishing off with my fingers. Honestly, when I first started getting into sex toys properly, I assumed that the business end of the Mia was the angled end and I was more than a little disappointed when I found out that, no, actually, the smaller pinpoint-y is the functional end, but it’s an easy mistake to make – right? The angled end is actually a hollowed out lid to cover the USB, and the vibrations do make their way down there, but by the time they actually get there they’re obviously a lot weaker and I’d have to REALLY persevere to get off with them. I will say though, it’s good for when I get that weird post-orgasm hypersensitivity and can’t bear to just leave my poor clit by itself but I can’t stand anything on full power either.

Sometimes it seems like vibrators only ever carry two kinds of vibration: depressingly thin and halted entirely by the faintest amount of pressure, or they go so deep it feels like you could cause a minor landslide with them. The vibrations from the Mia are a great middle ground – not rumbly enough to like, frighten your cat with, but they’re not remotely buzzy. I genuinely think that the lower intensities should be the base for every boring basic £9.99 ‘ideal for beginners’ vibrator out there – they’re strong, they haven’t numbed me and they’re actually ‘whisper quiet’, the buzzword that’s printed on every shitty ABS plastic C-battery insertable out there. The lower intensities are a near-silent purr, the highest are only slightly louder, and I promise you, there’s no chance of anyone hearing this through a door or a wall or whatever even on the pattern settings. If you’re living in a shared house or maybe you’re just sensitive to sound, like I am, this is the ideal. This Is It.

The Mia is close to perfect. I hesitate to say that, but it’s just so convenient. It’s quiet. It’s rechargeable. It has an excellent vibration range. It doesn’t attract dust, it’s easy to clean, and it’s waterproof. I can take it anywhere with me with no pre-planning, no, god, better drain the battery and wrap this up in half my lingerie drawer in case it goes off on the train type of hassle. It’s so pretty that the prettiness rubs off on me and is capable of making me feel like a sexy and sophisticated person by proxy, like someone who wears minimalistic jewellery and gets a matching mani-pedi in a matte finish every five days**. If I had to recommend just one toy to a novice, this would be it. I can call this an all-purpose vibe like I call certain lubes all-purpose lubes, it’s everything I love about Lelo and if I was revoltingly wealthy I’d buy one for everyone I know, even the ones who ‘don’t see the point in sex toys’. I’d still like it better if the angled end really was the business end because it does feel a little bit small for me, but I can’t fault it otherwise.

The Mia 2 was sent to me by BarbaraKelly.co.uk in exchange for a review of the toy and their store. I had a lovely experience with them, their communication was great, and my item arrived within two days. Barbara Kelly offer free delivery to the UK on orders over £10, and they’re one of the few UK retailers to stock the Leaf line, Picobong, and the new PalmPower wand! They also offer a price match guarantee and excellent customer service. I was really happy to work with them, and they’re going on my I’d-use-’em-again list.

*If you desperately want to match your sex toys to your mouth, Hue seems like a pretty good match for Lelo’s petal pink?
**For about twenty minutes. C’mon, this is a sex toy, not a devastatingly attractive sugar daddy.