I have a review of the Slow Drive coming up soooooon-ish; much like the Pearly it’s lounging around with it’s not my favourite but it does have a firm place in my toolbox/heart/delete as applicable. Look at that shimmery green! That perfect icepop lime is gone forever (probably) but you can snag yourself one of the limited edition purple haze Slow Drives or cross your fingers and pray to the dildo fairies for a slime green something in a grab bag order. You might even end up with something better.

I don’t want to talk about the colossal disappointment that is the iroha mini ever again. I will, however, point you in the direction of the squishy Sakura and the new Minamo, which looks promising if a little bland.

There will be no Tantus Flurry review, unfortunately; it didn’t work for me and I returned it for the princely sum of 8000 Lovehoney Oh points. Pretty though, no? The squishy O2 silicone is what dreams are made of (it’s MUCH squishier than the Cush) and it looks like a strawberry milkshake got stuck in a cock mould, but it’s more of an in-out in-out dick with the ridges that placed that high up. I usually don’t thrust with my toys, I jiggle and wiggle and tap on the base, but if you’re one of those boundlessly energetic people who ride theirs or you’re after a good thrusting/harnessable dildo it’s a great option.

RIP Flurry. I hope you’ve been ground down into a recycled cake mould for ethically concious mamas or something.

Ella is small and streamlined and very, very pretty and shot into the depths of my heart (and the first three inches or so of my vagina) with all the force of a steam train. I snagged it when Lovehoney discontinued it – WHY, GOD – and I’m well and truly smitten. Review coming up soon-ish; I have the same hopeless love for the Ella that everyone and their mum seems to have for the Mona 2. They’re only £25 at Simply Pleasure right now, just an fyi…

This is the DOMINIX heart slapper paddle I mentioned in my sleepover post here and I’ve been meaning to get around to doing a proper review for it for a while now but every time I go to take pictures of it a cat sits on it. I can’t blame them though, it’s a lovely little thing, light and made from smooth leather – slapper paddles have never really appealed to me because of the noise, but this is my favourite exception. It’s sleek, stingy, and has a cute little heart cutout that leave pretty pink marks behind. I look a bit like someone’s taken a large paintbrush and splattered my behind with watercolour afterwards. It’s easy to wield, although I wish the handle was more rounded, and it’s one of those things I feel happy recommending to anyone; unless of course, you’re vegan. It’s £18.99 at Lovehoney, and they do another rather fetching heart paddle here.

* Well, reviews for things I buy myself.

True Life: My Dildo Nearly Turned Me Into A Kind-Of Sort-Of Bad Person.

I’m not kidding. I’m so infatuated with the ShareVibe that when I was offered one by a retailer a few days after I’d been sent this one I had to think twice about it. Would it be ethically iffy to accept it juuust so I could have a backup? Like, I could totally just neglect to mention that I’d already been sent one, right? That’s not lying, that’s…editing. Nobody would know! I could still review it for them!

Anyway. Of course I didn’t accept it because a) that would be horrible b) it wouldn’t be fair on the other needy vagina-havin’ people of this world and c) again, what on earth, that’s a horrible thing to do, I’m not Smaug, but I think that’s a fairly accurate representation of how much I like it and want it in my life forever. Consumed by greed: The ShareVibe story.

The ShareVibe is a brand spankin’ new strapless strap-on from Fun Factory, who already make a few in different sizes – xs, original, xl. It’s slightly different from the original Share in that it’s sleeker and less linear overall with no defined head or ridges on the bulb end, which I much prefer, and three colour choices – an eye-searing neon pink, dark purple or a peachy beige. To me the silicone feels slightly less ‘dry’ and draggy than the kind the original’s sculpted from but I don’t have one to hand to compare so take that with a pinch of salt. The silicone’s supple and bendy but with enough firmness that it doesn’t flip-flop all over the place like a soggy baguette, and the ‘revolutionary’ bullet compartment is tucked neatly away in the back.

Unfortunately, like nearly every Fun Factory product I’ve ever laid my greedy little hands on the ShareVibe attracts dust and lint like nothing else. If there is fuzz, it will find it. If there is pet fur, it will find it. If you leave it next to your comb for too long, it will fashion itself a dramatic cape out of all the hair on there when you’re not looking. Impromptu blowjobs are out of the question with this one – unless you’re in the bath/shower/aquatic environs of your choice.

I’d call the ShareVibe a Goldilocks size. It has versatility. The 5’5 circumference of the bulb end sounds intimidating on paper, but after a few orgasms and some Sliquid Sassy I’m usually fine – it stretches me out a little, but I haven’t found it painful and weirdly cloggy like I did the original Share. If I could change anything I’d give the shaft more of a g-spot curve and perhaps make it a little firmer for some added perkiness.

‘But – but – but I’m bored now!’ I hear you cry, ‘does it actually work? Does it stay in?’ And I can say that keeping the ShareVibe in place isn’t an issue for me – it does droop a little when standing, but curves so prettily towards my bellybutton when I lie on my back that I can forgive it that – but I can’t speak for other people. I can’t tell you if it’ll work for you. I’m sorry! There are so many factors to be taken into account: your anatomy, whether you get along with the texture of the silicone, lube, motion, friction, positioning, the strength of your kegel muscles.

I do fuck slightly differently with a strapless as opposed to a traditional dildo + harness set-up, I’ll say that – I think (unsupported by a harness, at least) they’re more suited to more intimate, slow grind fucking as opposed to like, ‘we’re on the fuck truck to pound town!’ frantic banging. It seems to work best for both me and my girlfriend in lazy doggy or with her on top, or variants on spooning. Sometimes it needs a guiding hand but I haven’t had it attempt to shoot out at speed, although sometimes it feels uncomfortable after repositioning or adjusting and I need to re-lube.

The bulb end isn’t so much something that lovingly seeks out my g-spot with precision and a gentle touch, it’s more of a ‘screw it, just get all up in there, it’ll have nowhere to hide’ all-over massage and it’s almost overwhelming. It’s the kind of thing that makes you moan unconsciously; pressure everywhere, full without being uncomfortable. I’m not normally much of a top/dick-wielder, but the Share’s bulb makes me one. That’s not to say it doesn’t take some getting used to as figuring out a good lube balance is more difficult than usual; you don’t want to overapply because then it’s going to slip away faster than a nervous haddock, but if you underapply in the hope that less lube = more security you’re probably just going to end up with some very sore bits and pieces.

Another thing I love is that I can successfully get myself off with it solo both ways, either inserting the bulb end and essentially tossing myself off or using the bulb as a handle for the shaft. More dildos should come with handles like this, they’re brilliant if you get hand or finger cramps.

Honestly, I didn’t have high hopes for the vibrating part of the ShareVibe experience. It is, after all, just a bullet – albeit a powerful one – nestled inside nearly a pound of dense silicone, and if that’s the one thing drawing you to this then yeah, you’re probably going to wind up disappointed. While the bullet provides a not-insignificant boost of vibration to the bulb end they pretty much give up and die about two inches into the shaft, fading into what can only be described as a tickle at the tip. It’s all a bit one-sided. The Share might be doing it’s best to bring people together but apparently the bullet is a selfish lover.

Oh, and this’ll break a thousand hearts; the We-Vibe Tango doesn’t fit in the bullet cave. Neither does the Lelo Mia 2, the Lovehoney Silencer bullet or the Rocks-Off 80mm. It’s beyond irritating that I can’t switch bullets if the included one (it retails at 39€, eek) runs out of juice and I can see people who are devoted to their Tangos viewing this as a dealbreaker, which makes me pretty sad.

Having said that, I’ve grown fond of the bullet that comes with it. It’s good! Really! Promise! I was expecting a tiny whiny impractical thing but it’s waterproof, usb rechargeable and host to some surprisingly intense vibrations – three patterns that I never use because they feel like there’s a few ball bearings frantically rolling around inside of it, and two continuous speeds. It’s difficult to categorise as either 100% buzzy or 100% rumbly as it seems to be a mix of both, the first continuous speed being hare-fast and high intensity and best for using slotted inside the Share, and the second slightly deeper and the one I prefer to use as a traditional bullet.

Oh, and amongst the usual warnings, the manual also tells you not to ‘poke the toy with pointy objects’. So. Uh. Don’t do that.

Despite the dampened vibrations and the bullet compatibility issue, I really do like the ShareVibe. I’m not sure if I can flat-out recommend it though because of all those variables, and 99€ is a lot of money – I’d say if you have a sex toy store near you that stocks it, go and check it out in the flesh, have a look at the silicone and assess the weight. Figure out if you can deal with those vibrations or if you’re going to need to craft yourself some kind of sleeping bag for your favourite bullet to sit in there comfortably. See how it sizes up to the other models.

If you do decide to get one and it doesn’t work out, don’t panic. There’s a knack to using a strapless and you might need a little bit of practice (life is a trial, what can I say) to get to grips with them, but please don’t get upset or angry with yourself if you find that it slips out; it’s a chunk of matte silicone that weighs nearly a full pound, there’s lube, there’s motion, pretty much everything’s working against you. You can adapt by buying a cheapie harness* or using positions that help to keep it more secure – get your partner to go on top, try lazy doggy with one leg straight and one hooked over your partner, spooning, get a handjob, see what sucking it does for you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here eating my dinner and admiring my lovely purple phallus.

I was sent the ShareVibe directly from the lovely people over at Fun Factory! You can snag yourself one for €99 from their website, or you can go to Lovehoney, who have the UK exclusive on it.

* a 1.5 inch O-ring fits the ShareVibe comfortably, and it also fits into my SpareParts & RodeoH harnesses. I think that this type of harness would be good for keeping strapless’ in while maintaining skin-to-skin contact, maybe?

Anyway. Back to the porn – oh, the porn, there’s so much of it and it’s all so good and it was so hard – heh – choosing, I thought I’d have to do a top fifty or something because really, that is the only way I’d be able to cram in every single episode that makes my heart race especially hard. But I can’t do that. So here’s the other part of my top ten, and five more reasons why you should buy yourself a Crash Pad Series subscription.

Episode 46 – Mariah Cherry Christmas Special & Maybelline

So you know how people have their go-to’s? Like, your go-to hot drink order or your go-to lube or your go-to outfit? This is my go-to porn episode. It has everything I like in it! It never gets old! And I maintain that this could easily be cut into any given John Waters film (Polyester, anyone? C’mon. HAIRSPRAY.) and you wouldn’t know that it was never supposed to be there, so in my eyes it’s perfect. A femme paradise populated by sorority girls in nighties and armed with bags of sticky marshmallows.

The behind-the-scenes for this episode is very engaging and a really good watch, too – I’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing because that would be rude but you get to hear a little bit about how it came to be, Mariah Cherry and Maybelline’s concept behind the whole thing (‘We’re like U.N Ambassadors of nasty sexuality’); you basically get to listen to two artists talk about their work and their process and it’s fucking beautiful. A*.

Episode 106 – Joan & Vai

This episode made me wonder why I’ve never used a ball of wool as a ball gag. I mean, aside from the fact that I don’t knit and have no use for a ball of wool, it seems pretty ideal – it certainly muffled Vai’s adorable shrieks during this scene. Look at that blindfold, too! Where do you even get a blindfold like that? It’s like it was made for me.

This scene features a lot of cute props – a slingshot, a toy hammer, the wool gag – it’s kind of like if two grown up scouts got lost in the forest and found a comfy cottage with a camera convieniently pointed at the bed. There’s a lot of butt stuff, some strap-on goodness, impact play and lovely loud noises from Vai, so if you’re sensitive to high pitched squeals and slaps you might want to turn your volume down a tad.

Episode 130 – rife & Vespur

This scene combines three of my favourite things – butt stuff, godly bone structure, and good lighting. Seriously, the lighting is this is gorgeous, soft and subtle and warm and gently illuminating up the sleek pair on the bed. Not that they’re gentle with each other, mind; there’s scrunched up faces and intense, deep thrusts, a sweaty sheen on everything and animalistic sounds I’m not accustomed to hearing in porn. It’s that very ‘I haven’t seen you in weeks, why did we go for drinks when I just want to go to bed with you?’ type of lust, the kind that simmers in your belly. Slow-burning and hot.

In addition to being totally enamoured with the, uh, fucking itself, I think I may have developed a weird crush on the two performers? For example, Vespur’s turn ons list is a sight to behold. A couple of the things they mention – rural kitchens, gay cowboys, penetration overwhelm, unexpected glamour, bondage in nature (this just reminds me that I need to frolic in some reeds with someone soon, heyyyyy), raw honey, reflective surfaces and soaking you in cum. Based on this and the way the light hits their butter-smooth cheekbones, I feel like we’d get along. rife is just as delightful, with ‘dyke cock, gender fuckery, leather, tattoos, & rope’ in his turn ons list and one of those ‘I’m so clever’ walks, all lean legs and hip. Ugh. Go watch it already; I need to cool off.

Episode 172 – The Boss starring Nina Hartley & Sara Vibes

If the promise of living legend Nina Hartley padding around an office (Raven Clawz Studios) in a pair of fluffy bunny slippers and a sheer, crotchless bodystocking doesn’t convince you to watch this then nothing will, frankly. In case you hadn’t guessed already, in this Crash Pad episode Sara Vibes acts as Nina’s devoted assistant in a genuinely believable boss/secretary-assistant-PA dynamic that brings happy tears to my eyes. And vagina.

It also features a lot of affectionate cuddle-heavy body worship, facesitting (I looooooove), the illustrious Hitachi, nitrile gloves, and Nina enthusiastically strapping on a bright red dildo by Vixen Creations. Nina’s voice is like silk, half loving mentor and half fearsome, paddle-wielding CEO, and Sara plays her role as the much-adored office angel as if she’s been doing it all her life. A definite must-watch, even if you don’t like porn with plot.

Episode 81 – 9, Chocolate Chip & Cinnamon

I was going to call this one a cuddle party but I think it’s more of a babe pile? I’m not 100% sure on what the difference is, exactly, but I know a babe pile when I see one and this is definitely a certified pile o’ babes.

There’s a lot of lovely lingerie to be admired in this scene, dildo blowies, a beauuuuuutiful shimmery teal dildo that I can’t identify, double nipple sucking, black gloves (I’ve developed a serious Thing for gloves after getting a CrashPad subscription) and someone half-moaning, ‘oh, you guys got lipstick all over me!’. It’s not something you ever skip through to get the ‘good bits’, watching the whole scene unfold is half the joy and at times it seems less like three seperate people and more like a writhing mass of soft limbs and mouths suspended on wrinkled sheets. Divine.

You can view all the performer’s profiles and a small preview clip of each episode over at Crash Pad Series, and to join click here! I highly, highly recommend it, and it’s a great way to support an indie company who truly cares about their work.

Jesus christ. How have I managed this? A month without an update on either of my orifices? Aw, christ, I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’ll all be very glad to hear that I’ve just reviewed the Tantus Twist, a silky-smooth chunk of silicone shaped like a screw/Mr Whippy hybrid.

…Except, er, it’s not actually here – it’s a guest post over on the lovely Teal’s blog, who was kind enough to gift it to me, and you should pop on over and read it while you wait for me to get my next post up. Which’ll actually be posted here. Promise.

I think I might be fundamentally missing the point of the Hula Beads.

I’ve never been one for ‘love eggs’. It’s such a married-with-2-kids-and-a-silver-car thing – ‘hubby controlled this egg while we were in Tesco! it was such a turn on! lol!’ and all the ones I’ve experienced so far have been noisy and ugly. The Hula Beads are neither of these things, but they still didn’t work out for me. I’m starting think that I should stick to Lelo’s regular line in future, because me and this Insignia line just aren’t getting along like we’re supposed to.

Even though purple’s my least favourite colour, I’ve got to admit that the Hula Beads are ridiculously gorgeous. I have the deep rose set, and it’s a vampy, rich fuchsia offset by gold accents. I’m a total sucker for Lelo’s silicone; satin-smooth, it feels almost velvety, barely picks up dust, and covers the rigid inner workings with a silky, waterproof shell. They feel reassuringly sleek and weighty, but are let down a little by the highlights, which are disappointingly just gold-painted plastic. C’mon, Lelo – surely the £120 price tag warrants actual metal and not spraypainted ABS?

The Hula Beads are rechargeable and remote-controlled via ‘SenseMotion technology’ which essentially boils down to being able to control the included remote control by touch – tilting it, specifically. I reviewed the Ida previously and the remote was the only thing I liked about it, but I’m wondering if I got a faulty one this time round because I have absolutely no idea what it’s doing, ever. It vibrates! Noisily! Sometimes it refuses to turn off! It’s a neverending rollercoaster of adventure, that’s for sure. I’d try my Ida one with these to see there’s any difference, but it’s stopped working (I’ve not even had it a year?) and £29 for a replacement + £10 shipping isn’t an option.

If you don’t feel like wrestling with a temperamental remote control, your other option is switching modes via the teeny tiny button on the beads themselves, which is great, except for one thing – what are you meant to do when they’re inside you? Oh, that’s right, you pull them out and do it manually every time you want to switch it up. Or down. Or sideways.

Hmmmm. If the Hula Beads had, say, 3 modes I’d be okay with this, but they have 8. I never thought I’d be longing for 3 continuous modes and a standard pulse, but here we are, slippery-fingered and swearing with frustration. At least the silicone retrieval cord isn’t stretchy enough to slap you in the vulva?

The Hula Beads need an initial charge of 4 hours and while I was waiting for them to charge I found myself getting pretty excited. Even though they’re not really my thing and if I didn’t like them as intended, surely I could just use them as a plain old kegel egg? Ehhh, not quite – as I found out, they aren’t suited to my anatomy.

They feel clumsy and uncomfortable when they’re inside me, no matter how far I insert them or how much lube I use. They don’t hit my g-spot, either, but to be fair I wasn’t expecting them to as mine is shallow but high up. Overall…alien. Squirmy. Borderline ticklish. Too big. Too weird.

Depending on the kind of stimulation you like, the Hula Beads could work as a bullet vibrator for some people – as the tip slowly rotates, when lubed up it feels a little like a slow moving tongue. I think I’d like using them like this more if the vibrations were deeper – they’re definitely not high pitched and weak, but they feel shallow? They don’t feel like my body’s absorbing them properly. They’re also considerably noisier outside of the body, making a grating noise that sounds a little like a rotary whisk, although this is deadened significantly when they’re inserted.

Still. I was determined to find something to like about them because a) they’re really expensive and b) my Lelo rep was super sweet and I’d feel bad handing in a totally negative review. So my second idea was hey, why not put them in just before someone goes down on me? I do that with the Luna Beads, so surely it’d be even better with these?

It was nice – it’s quite difficult to fuck up oral sex, I think, although I’ve never tried a Sqweel or had a partner who wasn’t ‘gifted’ – but it didn’t add a whole lot to the experience. I like having something to grip around when I come, so there’s that, but I’d prefer that something to press against my g-spot when I do and these miss the mark. If I’m really honest, I missed having my partner’s fingers in me. And the stuff in the copy about having the second bead lay outside the vaginal opening to ‘stimulate your labia’? I’d like to know if the bright spark who came up with that actually tried it. It doesn’t feel like anything; it’s a total non-event.

There is one thing that I like about the Hula beads, though. One thing they do better than the Luna beads, or any cheapie vibrating eggs I’ve tried. Butt stuff. Don’t shout at me – I have no intention of putting the Hula Beads (or the Luna Beads, or any kind of beads that aren’t specifically designed to go butt-diving) in my butt as that is an AWFUL IDEA. Don’t do that! You’ll lose them in your butt forever! But putting something else in my butt while I’ve got the Hula Beads inserted as usual? Sure.

It’s so good. I need thorough warm-up as my partner’s significantly bigger than average, but it’s overwhelming in the best kind of way and that awkward clumsiness I get from them the rest of the time translates to an intense fullness. The only downside is that I can’t have them in me like that on a high setting or a pattern; these feel ‘pokey’, apparently.

As their last test, I decided to test out their extended wear potential and take them to work. There was no way I was going to wander around the offy with these in. The guy behind the counter once ‘young man’-ed me and now he scans my spaghetti hoops through in silence. No, it would be too strange, and too quiet – my work has enough background noise to cover up any telltale vibrating noises, I’m usually left to my own devices and I spend about an equal time sitting down and on my feet. Perfect. Spinny chairs: the final frontier.

I took these to work on a quiet day, got in early, nipped to the toilets, turned them onto the third setting, lubed up, inserted them and went back to my desk. Hm. I spun around on my chair. I got up and moved things around for the sake of it. I answered a phone call from someone who thought we were a swimming pool. I did a little chair dance. I grinned at people wandering in and out. Ha! Little did they know that I had a Cronenberg-esque rotating thing pulsating inside my vagina! I felt dirty, mildly uncomfortable and bored. I envied everyone without a tickly bauble in their orifices. Had my vagina fallen asleep? Is that a thing?

And then I clenched hard, really hard, that kind of ‘your fingers are going to look like witch grapes if you ever get them out of me’ flex, and the rotation seemed to slow*, leaving a low, grinding ‘bbbbrrrrrrrrr’ noise emanating from under my trousers. And that’s when I’d had enough.

I’m bored with the Hula Beads. Disappointed. A bit sad.They have their fleeting moments of ‘oh, fuck, that’s good’ but the rest of the time? No. The orgasms they did give me (I counted three, and ‘helped along’ is probably more accurate) are not worth £120.

They’re beautiful, granted, and yes, they’re a ~luxury product~, oooh, fancy, but I just can’t recommend them based on my own experiences. I wouldn’t feel good about it. Get a set of Luna Beads instead; they’re much more fun, there’s a plethora of happy reviews out there, you get two sizes to choose from and they’re a fraction of the price.

I was sent the Hula Beads by Lelo in exchange for my review. Sorry Lelo, and I hope you don’t hate me by this point; if it’s any consolation I’m about two tealights away from constructing a full-blown shrine to Ella? If you think the Hula Beads might work for you, they can be purchased direct from Lelo or Lovehoney and Simply Pleasure.

* I just want to make this clear – I gave these to my girlfriend to see if she could slow the rotation like I managed to and she said she couldn’t. I haven’t read any other reviews where other people have been able to do this either, so I’m just assuming that the lethal combination of frustration and boredom gives me the ‘vagina like a steel trap’ superpower. Your mileage may vary.