I am not the biggest fan of my vag.

I like other people’s. I like most vaginas – I think they’re great! They’re magical! They’re like flowers, or oysters! There’s a Georgia O’Keeffe print in the bathroom! But I have gender feelings about mine, big bad weird ugly gender feelings, and there’s no amount of ‘but look how pretty’ (validation via only ‘prettiness’ is not the way I want to go about anything in my life, but thanks) and ‘the human body is incredible’ (blech) that can make those go away.

But if anything’s going to make me happy that I have one, it’s the Pure Wand.

The njoy Pure Wand is a sleek curve of stainless steel that’s a pain in the butt to photograph and weighs in at a hefty 1.5lbs, or 680g – think a jar of golden syrup. It’s been carefully weighted and each end has a different circumference, the bigger bulb being 4.5 inches around and the smaller measuring 3.25 around. Completely smooth with a mirror shine – except for the njoy logo, which I think is in a brushed steel finish? – it’s a beautiful piece of work, and could probably do some serious damage if you were to drop it on your foot. Don’t do that.

STORYTIME – before I really begin, I feel like I kind of to have to mention squirting in some capacity* here as this has been touted time and time again as some kind of divining rod for prostates and g-spots alike. I don’t squirt. I’ve done it twice, hated it, and I have no interest in doing it again. This is a non-negotiable thing. I’m sure the Pure Wand is more than capable of making me squirt again, it definitely feels like it could – but I can’t help anyone with that. Sorry fronds.

The day my Pure Wand arrived (I was very emotional) I wasn’t as productive with it as I’d like to have been – usually I like to use things the second I get them, but it was cold outside. And the steel was freezing. And there was no hot water. Rainy days in England have this incredible effect on the body where you feel instantly miserable as soon as you’re under that grey sky, and the furthest thing on my mind was wanking. But eventually the weather got warmer – unbearably warm – and as it turns out, a sunny day with a clear blue sky and a sharp chill is the best kind of weather for stuffing yourself full of steel.

The bigger bulb seems to be what most people use but I’ve not really been able to get along with it; it feels too big, unwieldy, too heavy, uncomfortable, bulky. It’s the same feeling I get when I haven’t warmed up properly and I’m trying to use something internally – except it feels like that aaaaaaaall the time. It’s very possible that this is just a learning curve I have yet to master, but for now the big end is relegated to other people’s vaginas and for the odd shoulder/leg massage.

The little end though, oh god, I don’t know how it does it but it does it so well. It’s like a heat-seeking missile for g-spot stimulation; all I have to do is apply a little bit of lube, nudge it upwards and rock it back and forth. My g-spot’s shallow but placed higher up, and the Pure Wand finds it and basically hammers it into submission in the best kind of way – like, I paired it with the We-Vibe Touch and was completely unable to walk afterwards. It’s that good. The only downside is that after relentlessly banging away at my vagina with a pound and a half of steel my arm starts to hurt and I sometimes have to admit defeat; but luckily for me I have a girlfriend whose arms are considerably stronger than mine and who really likes watching me bite the pillow.

Getting a Pure Wand has also managed to increase my all-consuming lust for a Pure plug tenfold; if this feels good in my butt, then what’s a Pure plug going to feel like? How well crafted is that going to be? It’s so smooth that I don’t need that much warmup, and it does something that only my large Rosebud plug has done before (and that’s only if I lie on my back & pull my knees up) – it stimulates my g-spot. It feels even more intense, if that’s possible, although I still prefer it in my vag.

I love the Pure Wand. I am a convert. There isn’t a position it doesn’t feel good in, although I think it feels the best on my hands and knees, or on my back with my legs pulled up. It can be used with any lubricant, it’s easy to clean, it comes with a storage box, it’s gonna last me forever and it can be brought to my favourite temperature by soaking it in a sink of warm water. I’m a bit scared it’s going to replace all my other insertable toys, if I’m honest, but I love it so much I almost don’t care. Engrave ‘apricot 4 njoy’ in a heart on a tree, because I am in looooooooove.

I bought my Pure Wand from Lovehoney, but you can also buy it at Shevibe and Sh!

* hahahahahhahaah capacity

My plug came in a tiny little velvet bag, which I have of course managed to break the drawstring on and cover in miscellaneous fluff in the month or so I’ve had it. The plug itself is TEENY. I know this is the ‘small’ version (from what I can gather, Rosebud plugs come in four sizes- small, large, XL and XXL) but this is truly pocket size. It’s shorter than a lipbalm tube, has a reassuring weight to it, and while being smaller than I thought it was, it’s my favourite shape for a plug to be, with an almost lollipop-like bulb, a tapered tip, a long skinny neck and a flared base. I’ve never actually lost something up my butt, but I’ve read enough cautionary tales and had enough gruesome stories told to me by a pal who’s training to be a nurse to be extra super cautious. I pretty much view buttholes as distant, organic relatives of vacuum cleaners at this point.

The gem (crystal?) on my plug is the ‘white lagoon’ colour, and it is beauuuutiful, opalescent and milky with a warm pinkish shimmer to it. I’m officially infatuated with something that lives in my butt. There is one thing that’s less than perfect about it, and it’s weird – there are little black clusters of something around the edges of the jewel. It looks like soot. When I first took it out of the package I gave it a good wash, went in there with a soft toothbrush and cottonbud soaked in Lelo cleaner and most of it came off but there are some traces of whatever it is stuck right in the difficult to access crevice between the steel and the gem. I’m not concerned and I’m just assuming that it’s something to do with the process of inlaying it, maybe, but still. It’s weird. If anyone else has one of these plugs I’d really appreciate you telling me if yours came with this ~mystery substance~ too!

Being the eager lil bunny I am, in my rush to get this thing up there I forgot that steel’s generally PRETTY FUCKING COLD, especially when you combine it with silicone lube from a bottle that’s been sitting on your windowsill all night. This led to the butt equivalent of brain freeze. That’s a thing. I can tell you first hand that that’s a thing now. You can warm this or any other steel toy up by running warm water over it or alternately, clenching it between your thighs for twenty minutes or so if you’re especially concious of your water bill.  The good news is that this little plug fits me like it was made especially for my body, and it’s easy to insert and easy to remove. The tapered tip does look a bit pointy but it doesn’t feel that way at all, and I think it’s just the right size for the material it’s made of. Like a good set of kegel balls, I can feel it in there but not to the point where it feels off and I want to remove it.

The Rosebud plug gets major points from me for actually staying put, too. I know it’s a fairly common sex tip (‘remove a plug or a string of anal beads at the moment of orgasm for heightened sensations!’) but I can’t get into that. I like my plugs to stay where I put them until I want them to remove them myself, intentionally, thankyou.

The one thing I don’t like using this plug for is keeping it in during penetrative sex as it’s too firm for it. Penetration with fingers feels stupid good with this in, it’s definitely a dick thing – silicone or otherwise. My male partner said it felt like I ‘had a frozen grape sitting up there’ and I got this feeling that I was being uncomfortably compressed and took it out eventually.

Glass toys are a no-go, too, I tried it with my very lovely recently acquired Double-O, but the rigid, bulbous head of the Double-O banging against the plug wasn’t something I’d ever want to repeat. I remember reading a quote years ago by some horrible man I don’t remember the name of where he said he ‘wanted to click his fingers inside women (he) didn’t like’ and that’s what that feeling brings to mind.

I think I end all my reviews with ‘I’m so happy I bought this!’ but I really am! It’s made me even more curious about trying the Large size, and I want a glass one more than ever. And another thing – I’d only ever seen bits and pieces of the Rosebuds line before finding the website, but GO LOOK. I URGE YOU TO LOOK. You too can have Athena’s face poking out of your rear end if you wanna! It’s amazing. And it’s in very charming translated English, which makes me feel a bit like a knowledgeable French person is murmuring in my ear about bespoke anal jewellery. If I ever get super rich you can bet I’ll have the most sophisticated butthole in the northern hemisphere.