The Pearly (doesn’t it sound like a missing Pink Lady?) is part of Fun Factory’s line of mini vibes – fairly self explanatory, they’re a range of nine vibrators of diminutive shape and stature that happen to be ‘perfect for your handbag’. Y’know. Just in case you need a wank on your lunch break. This one happens to be a rabbit style, comes in two delicious colours: candy green* and grape, is rechargeable via a USB click-n-charge system, fully submersible and has a TRAVEL LOCK. Great, right?

Fun Factory’s controls are definitely my preferred kind – clacky buttons! A dedicated on/off button! Tons of functions! TRAVEL LOCK! Like, I’m not even a pattern person, I usually skip right through, but these are a little bit more imaginative than your average pulse-pulse-pulse, even featuring something called a ‘razzle dazzle’ sequence that feels exactly like it sounds – like a team of tiny jazz dancers tip-tapping their way around my vag in the best way possible. Never change, Fun Factory.

In case you hadn’t grasped it from the title and how lonely it looks on my not especially wide windowsill, the Pearly is truly a mini vibe - the internal shaft measures 3 inches of insertable length and it has just shy of four inches in girth. I honestly don’t remember the last time I held an insertable toy this small. It’s positively adorable, a pint sized pocket rocket with vibrations that are…nothing to turn your nose up at, actually, they’re definitely not as powerful as the deep purr that emanates from my girlfriend’s Big Boss but they are STRONG. High frequency? Yes. Shallow and prone to disappearing when you apply the slightest hint of pressure? No.

Does it hit my g-spot? Nope. There is absolutely no hope of sweet, darling Pearly contributing to a g-spot orgasm unless I repeatedly shove it violently upwards, like my vagina has two floors and the person on the top floor is playing ‘best ukelele covers summer 2k13′ at an earthshattering volume**. Having said that, I’m not sure if it’s really designed for g-spot stimulation – a slight upward curve does not a g-spot toy make – and it does what an internal vibrator is meant to do; it feels good. I like having something to clench around, and the subtle texture paired with Fun Factory’s notoriously draggy silicone pulls in the best kind of way.

So. The Pearly comes thiiiiiis close to fitting my anatomy perfectly, but the ‘pearl’ for clit stimulation is just a few mm short of where I’d like it to be; it’s not that it’s not placed far enough up the shaft as the internal portion is short enough for me to insert comfortably (do you hear that holy, twinkly sound in the distance? it’s the short vag gods beaming their blessing down upon me), but it needs to be a little bigger, a little more oval maybe. Perhaps the longer external portions of the Dolly or Tango would’ve been better.

I can’t say I didn’t anticipate the all-too-common fitting problem though, being skeptical of rabbit vibrators in the first place, and it’s no big deal at this point; I keep my favourite clit vibes next to my bed for a reason, you know? There’s enough room down there that I can push whatever I grab first against the bits the external piece fails to hit, which leads to this weird, achingly pinpoint but at the same time not at all sensation. It makes me squirm like a snake that forgot to file its income tax. It’s, uh, pretty great – but shouldn’t it be doing that all by itself?

For me, the Pearly was not a dual-stimulation wonder. It hasn’t changed my mind on rabbit vibrators (I think the concept of them is inherently flawed and it’s unrealistic and kind of dreadful to tout them as a beginners, one-size-fits-all dream vibe). But it has managed to grow on me like a friendly little fungus; I’ve found myself using it often and it lives next to my bed for easy access. I like how small it is, and how I don’t need to warm up to use it,  the vibrations are a nice mid range buzz, and I don’t have to fiddle around for ages trying to get it to do that one thing I really like. You can stay, Pearly.

The Pearly was kindly provided to me by the nice people over at Fun Factory. Thanks guys! You can buy the Pearly direct from their website (click here if you’re a customer from the US/Canada/Mexico) for €64.

*The pastel hue reminds me of these little apple sweeties.
**The Pearly is a broom in this analogy – waving your vibrator at the ceiling whenever a housemate decides to play ukelele covers is completely ineffective, if a nice arm workout.

I’m a big fan of Fun Factory; their silicone can feel draggy and almost powdery at times, but I have to admire the company who came up with Flexi Felix, the caterpillar who feels most at home in your anal cavity, and who consistently make body-safe products in eye-searing shades of orange, blue, red, and green in addition to the industry standards of cerise, purple or baby pink. The Boosty’s the first butt toy I’ve tried from them – I’ve been told that the Bootie is the original, and the one I should’ve tried out first, but it sold out before I could get to it.

The Boosty is available in a choice of aquarium pebble turquoise and petrol black, and comes in sturdy, non-gendered packaging with a drawing of a butt on. The Boosty is the most girthy plug I currently own, with three irregularly stacked bulbs of slightly different circumferences; the top bulb measures just under 4 inches around, the middle being the thickest with exactly 5 inches of girth, and the bottom bulb measuring just under 5 inches. The stem thins out considerably to 1.5 inches of both girth and length, with the base being 3.5 inches long. The base-to-neck ratio is perfect, actually, it ensures that the whole things stays put and feels completely secure, no matter how overenthusiastic (there’s no such thing! use all the lube! all of it! squeeze that bottle until it squeaks!) you may have been with your lube application.

The silicone the Boosty’s made from feels slightly different to the kind used for the other Fun Factory toys I’ve met* – it’s extremely smooth, firm yet flexible,  and without the dry and powdery finish that the Share has. There’s a faint but visible seam running down each side of the Boosty, which I’ll get back to later, and while the base is long it doesn’t entirely restrict access to my vagina, which is an issue I had with the terribly named Doc Johnson Mood Naughty plug. Yay!

I need to work up to the Boosty as it’s so chubby – my Tantus Meteorite works best as a prep tool, as it’s more of a play plug than anything else, or a moderately energetic finger-blasting if I’m with a partner. Currently I’m using the Yes oil based lube as my go-to butt lube, and I love it so far; it doesn’t absorb as quickly as water-based lubes do, and it seems to last considerably longer too. Normally I view toys that require a lot of work to use as a bit of a hassle and stash them away for longer sessions, but the bulbs feel really fucking good as you’re easing them in, and while it makes me feel nice and full, it’s got enough give to it that I or my partner can stimulate my g-spot while I’m wearing it. I can feel every bulb of the Boosty while it’s in me, and it kind of makes me wish I had a prostate because I’m sure the sensations would be nothing short of spectacular if I did.

Unfortunately though, there is one thing wrong with my Boosty. And that one thing is the seam. I can feel it. It’s not great. It makes walking around with the Boosty in a literal pain in the arse. It’s there.  I’m convinced mine might be a manufacturing accident as a) I haven’t seen anyone else mention it in their reviews, and b) it’s rougher on one side than the other – if I run my thumb over the right side I can barely detect it, but the left side feels more uneven and there’s a tiny little rogue dot of silicone sitting along it, too.

I’ve thought about trying to diy it, very carefully slicing along the seam with a scalpel, but I think this is far more likely to make things worse rather than improve it all. I’d return it for a replacement, but Lovehoney have since discontinued it. It’s a real shame because the Boosty is so close to perfect – if it weren’t for that meddling seam! It’s not a total waste; I’ll keep it as a play plug for now or as a warm-up plug for anal, and I’ll most likely buy a new one in future to compare the two. Dammit, Boosty.

I bought the Fun Factory Boosty from Lovehoney, who have since discontinued it. However, you can buy it direct from Fun Factory, or Sex Siopa.

*Do you ‘meet’ a sex toy?

The Pelt paddle is made from a silky smooth matte black silicone that attracts little bits of fluff like nothing else, but I find it easier to clean than my shinier, grippier silicone toys – a lot of the time I just spray this with Lelo cleaner and wipe it down – and you can bleach it, boil it, and stick it in the dishwasher. It’s basically indestructible – I’ve even bitten it a few times (don’t look at me like that) and didn’t leave any dents behind. It measures just under twelve inches long, six inches of that being the handle, with a little hole at the very end which you can use to loop a ribbon or a nylon string through and keep it hung up with, or I guess you could loop something through it to use as one of those secure wrist loops. Does anyone actually use those things? 

I’m not very well versed in ~kinky terminology~ and I’m not in any kind of scene, all I know is I really love impact play, being bruised, and being hit. I started out with wooden hairbrushes and eventually graduated up through various leather and suede paddles, I’ve had some brief experiences with crops and floggers – crops are pretty fun, I haven’t found a flogger I’ve liked yet, never tried a bullwhip but I want to – but wooden oval paddles (and hands) have always been my favourite. The Pelt pretty much blows everything I just listed out of the water.

I don’t actually hold it like this, it’s just so nobody’s exposed to more of my chipping manicure than they need to be. Oops.

The silicone it’s made from is thick, but with lots of flexibility to it – it’s not floppy or flimsy by means but I can bend it over on itself, and this bendiness means that to deliver a really good hard slap you don’t have to put your back into it (figuratively) like you would do with a wooden or leather paddle. Seriously, you don’t need to put a whole lot of force behind this unless you know what you’re doing, you/your partner has asked for that and you both know how intense this paddle can be – when I first got this, as soon as I got it out of the bag I gave my bare leg a good whack with my arm drawn back how I normally would, which turned out to be a Very Big Mistake. I had a bright red mark come up immediately, the kind I usually get from being spanked repeatedly with a leather paddle. From one whack!

What I love about the Pelt is that with practice, you can easily deliver slaps that won’t sear your skin off – one thing I like doing is using my hand, not my arm, to wibble-wobble it slightly and by doing that you get a much gentler but still pleasantly stingy sensation. Being bruised, though, that’s my thing and that’s what I want from a paddle, and it delivers. I’m left with a big grin on my face and speckly purple skin after a session with the Pelt, and it gives me these beautiful bruises that take days to start to fade. I’m not able to describe the sensations it’s capable of giving as either solely ‘thuddy’ or ‘stingy’ – it really is more of a slapping sensation than anything, with a stingy warmth afterwards. I’m hella curious about what kind of sensation the Snap Strap gives out if this is anything to go by.

My man-thing sometimes calls me a ‘pain slut’ and I guess that’s true because after hearing on twitter about how you can get an even more intense sting from Tantus’ silicone paddles by using them wet, I toddled off to run myself a nice bath, had a soak and then went to town on my thighs. My legs looked a bit like barber poles by the end of it. I aimed to do six hard slaps on each leg but gave up at three because I just couldn’t handle it. It was like being whacked with a giant nettle leaf and I’ve definitely hit my limit with that one, but if you want a sharp sting on a larger surface area than a crop can give you, that could potentially do it for you – although, y’know, applying a good lube to the area you want spanking instead of popping in the shower every damn time would probably be more practical.

I’m pretty besotted with this paddle and it’s not going to be leaving my collection any time soon. I wouldn’t recommend it to a total beginner, but if you’re after something with a real good slap to to it, you’ve found it. Just remember to stock up on aftercare goodies beforehand.

You can buy the Pelt, and the rest of the Tantus silicone paddles at Tantus. All of them – except for the Plunge paddle – are $44.99 – and couples toys at Tantus are 30% off through the rest of March with code ‘GETDOWN’!

I probably should’ve put a jumper on that wasn’t covered in paint before I took this. Sorry to ruin your big moment, cush.

The Cush is all kinds of adorable for something that’s seven inches long and so girthy that I can only just fit my whole hand around the widest part. I received mine in the candy colour, which looks like someone poured a carton of semi-melted strawberry sorbet into a dildo mould and let it set, and as it’s from Tantus’ dual density O2 line it’s got this plush outerlayer that’s especially squishable (is that a word? I’m making it a word) at the tip – I can pinch and prod at this thing all day! It’s like one of those desktop stress relievers, except it’s phallic and you put it in your various orifices. For stress relief. And orgasms.

The Cush is a chubby little cutie – it measures just shy of 6 inches around over the bulgy tip, the prominent ridge midway down the shaft and at the base, where it feels firmest and the outerlayer is thinnest. It’s safe for butt stuff and even fits into my RodeoHs, but it causes major sagging and I have to wander around with this piece of semi-translucent silicone dangling between my thighs like a cowboy. The soft matte silicone attracts every bit of dust within a two foot radius, although not as badly as my other, shinier, grippier Tantus toys do (Goddess & Splash), but I would not advise an impromptu dildo-blowie unless you’ve just given it a good rinse. Even I don’t know why I keep doing that, you’d think I’d know better by now but I guess all my primary school teachers were right and I’m doomed to go through life getting lint in my mouth one way or another.

The Cush is currently the biggest insertable toy I own, and as it’s sooooo girthy (do not underestimate how big it is, I know I didn’t fully realise quite how large it is until I actually had one in my hands) I definitely need warmup before I use the Cush –  I’ve fallen into doing this three-step thing, kind of like my evening skincare routine, but instead of oil cleanse, tone, and moisturise, it’s wand, something glassy, Cush. I really can’t stress how important lube is here either, I’m actually on the lookout for a new, thicker but still water-based one as my much-beloved Sliquid H20 doesn’t work as well as I want it to with this unless I seriously slather it in the stuff. It’s too runny.

Oh my god though, it’s so worth the fuss. I don’t know what it does or how it does it but mary mother of christ and all her angels, jesus be a fence around me and protect me from the devil because this thing is STUPID good. The only explanation I can come up with is that it really fills me up – ugh, most disgusting wording ever, sorry – and as a result my g-spot has nowhere to hide. I don’t even have to work at it! It’s magic. Other people have mentioned in their reviews of the Cush that it can be difficult to thrust with because of the broad flat base, but I don’t really thrust with my dildos, I tend to do more of a jiggly movement, so this isn’t an issue for me.

I do have a little bit of a gripe with it though. That gorgeous ridge midway down the shaft? I stand no chance of getting that inside of me and it is maddening. Depending on how I’m using it or having it used on me, the deepest I’ve been able to take it is so that the ridge is just about tickling my vaginal entrance. So close! So far away! This is such a shame because I lllllove texture and I was really looking forward to feeling that beautiful ridge, but I guess it’s just not meant to be for me and my shallow vag. It’s also been puzzling me a bit, because I can definitely take my Mustang deeper than I can the Cush, and my dude-thing is around the same size as the Cush but slightly longer and thicker round his, uh, base? and I know that he goes deeper than the Cush. Maybe it’s because the 02 silicone has less give? If you can take this glorious toy in your butt or vag deep enough to feel that ridge, I salute you and please tell me all about it so I can live vicariously through you.

The Cush also works really well for harness use and as you’d expect, being fucked with it is amaaazing. I almost prefer using it that way to using it for masturbation but it can get a little overwhelming in the best kind of way with all that girth, and we have to use a more heavy-duty harness than we would with a smaller dildo as it does have a tendency to flop about and sometimes needs a bit of a helping hand.

I love, love, love my Cush. I like larger dildos to be squishy, and while it’s not as soft as I’d like it to be it’s still plushy enough to satisfy me – if you’re wondering about how O2 holds up to Vixskin, Vixskin is significantly softer and feels more ‘realistic’, but the O2 is more matte, doesn’t collect as much dust, doesn’t have the same borderline-tacky quality that Vixskin has and is less prone to sliding about. It’s cute as fuck and I don’t even have to do any weird angling to get it to hit my g-spot the way I want it to, it just does! It’s a true marvel. Thankyou, Tantus, for making this perfectly formed chunk of premium silicone, and please don’t ever discontinue it or I’ll cry, probably.

I was sent the Cush by the total angels over at Tantus in exchange for a review.

Biodick-lookin dildos gross me out, I’m not gonna lie. They veer into uncanny valley territory for me personally, and while I’m all about the concept of having several disembodied dicks adorning your furniture like you’re living in some kind of seventies Hammer Horror maneating ladies-and-succubi-only cave, the reality just doesn’t appeal. The veins are either too delicate and thread-like and reminiscent of a recently skinned chicken, or too chunky and cartoonish. The heads are creepy and nearly always circumcised – my male partner is the only circumcised dude I’ve ever slept with and I still sometimes get confused! Balls frankly frighten me and the weird approximations of ‘flesh’ tones that you generally get make my skin crawl, usually either a sickly pale salmon or a generic orangey tan. But this. This is TIE-DYE. The colour scheme and the supersoft, super forgiving silicone puts a lovely blanket over all the things I hate about biodick-dildos and makes them more than tolerable. I now actively like all of these features. See? I could’ve said ‘flaws’ there, and I didn’t.

First off – specifics. The Mustang is 8 inches long, including the base, with a fairly prominent curve and it measures 4.5 inches in circumference. It has a faint veined texture on the shaft, and two ridges at the top. It’s 100% silicone, so always use this with water based lube – no hybrids, no silicone lube – and the base means it’s good for use in a harness AND it’s butt safe. The silicone is dual-density, which means it has this amaaaaazing plush outerlayer and a slightly firmer inner ‘core’…so a little bit like the dildo equivalent one of those ridiculous new Ben & Jerrys core ice creams, but in reverse and infinitely better. When I first got it I was initially intimidated by how defined the ridge on the head is in case it felt huge behind my pubic bone, but the material is really forgiving and gentle. It’s wonderful, girthy enough to give you a full feeling but not so much that you start to feel uncomfortably stretched out – the only thing with it is that it does tend to eat lube up so it’s a good idea to have a bottle of lube on hand in case you start, uh, running dry, as it were.

The dual-density silicone is one of the squishiest, most delightful textures I’ve ever had the pleasure of putting in my various orifices and occasionally snuggling up against and falling asleep with. It feels slightly tacky without (water based!!!) lube on it, it’s got a lot of bend, and a lot of what my girlfriend calls ‘flop factor’, as in, ‘this dick has an extremely high flop factor, I want to bounce it off your face and mouth/vulva’. Having said this, it’s still more than firm enough to fuck yourself or someone else with, the underside is definitely harder than the top of it, which is a plus because this means it still holds its curve well and looks perky and ready for action in a harness, and it doesn’t slip around or bend double onto itself when you’re trying to get it inside your vag. The Mustang lends itself really well to harness use – I know this might sound kind of dumb, like, duh, obviously – but there’s something about it that enables you to really fuck with it. It feels natural. I don’t know what it is, my girlfriend thinks it’s the curve and the flexibility, I think it’s more down to how it holds in heat, whatever it is, it’s great and we sometimes refer to it as ‘the dick’, which is Kind Of A Big Deal.

The Mustang, with a little work, is amazing for my gspot alone. My gspot is pretty shy, I only found it recently and while I can have orgasms just from stimulating it, it takes time, and work, and just banging away at it with a hard object doesn’t do it so much for me. It needs gentle coaxing, which the Mustang does – the ridges on the head almost brush it on the outstroke, and ten minutes of that and I’m drooling all over the pillow. I especially like using it with a clit vibe – the base isn’t so unwieldy that I’m unable to use a vibe and manoeuvre the Mustang the way I want to without getting hand cramp – and pressing the flat edge of my Tango up against the base makes for some pretty interesting sensations too. I’m saying interesting because I don’t really like internal vibrations, but the ones from the Tango end up deadened a little bit and become more of a gently stimulating purr. The head is also amazing for rubbing over my clit, which is my favourite sexy thing in the world, probably, so that’s a huge bonus.

However, this thing collects dust like nothing else. Please don’t ever put it in your mouth after it’s been lying in your bedsheets for a little while. I have a lot of hair, the cats have a lot of hair, this house in general has a lot of things in it that collect a lot of dust - it just seems to attract all of it, somehow, even after you’re done washing it. I think that binning the clear tube and putting it in a generic cloth bag would be a total disaster, which is partly why I haven’t got rid of it – the other reason being that it’s super pretty and I think it deserves to be shown off. The tube doesn’t take up that much room, anyway.

I’m so, so glad I bought this dildo. Thinking about it, I probably wouldn’t have bought the Mustang if it didn’t come in tie-bright (weirdly labelled as ‘blue’ on the Lovehoney website) but the silicone’s so great that I’m willing to try and overcome my irrational fear of flesh tones for a Maverick. Maybe one day. I mean, I’d much rather have the green or another tie-bright if they were miraculously made available again but I’m willing to try, guys, this is a Big Deal for me. If you want a high quality silicone dildo that’s ”’realistic”’ but not eerily so, with almost one-size-fits-all dimensions, I would highly, highly recommend the Mustang. Five stars, round of applause.

I bought my Mustang over at Lovehoney!