It’s cute! It’s tiny! Even the packaging’s well-designed! It’s body-safe, discreet, and easy to travel with because it looks absolutely nothing like a sex toy and the battery’s easy to remove. It’s relatively quiet, ridiculously cheap and waterproof. It comes in colours other than pink and purple. So far, so good, right?

I received the sora-mikan colour scheme, which is the one I was hoping for as it combines two of my favourite colours – a chalky sky blue on the bottom, and a juicy tangerine upper half. The bottom half’s made from ABS plastic and the top half from elastomer, which I don’t really get the point of – both surfaces feel pretty much exactly the same and the elastomer doesn’t make a huge difference concerning softness, plus this means I can’t use oil or silicone based lubricants with it. Boo.

The mini’s easy to use; powered by one triple-a battery in the base, you twist the top half and it pops off to reveal the guts. There’s a nifty hidden button to turn it on and off with located on the side of the mini – as it’s concealed under the orange elastomer you can’t see it all, which is a feature I really like because I’m shallow, I guess. Another thing that’s important for me is that I can travel easily with it; because the mini’s battery powered I can just remove the battery and tuck it into my makeup bag, where it fits right in. It kind of looks like a cutesy perfume atomiser, actually.

Unfortunately, the mini doesn’t work for its intended purpose. Like, at all. The vibrations feel unusually strong in my hand; when I switched it on for the first time I actually jumped because they surprised me so much. All that power from a triple a battery? GOD HAS ANSWERED MY PRAYERS. Except…er, not so much, because the vibrations are so surface level that they just fizzle away to nothing as soon as I apply a hint of pressure. The mini buzzes away happily to itself but I can’t feel a thing. I was so confused by this that I thought I’d received a faulty one - surely the whole ‘deadened vibrations’ thing only happens to toys with an inch and a half of solid silicone between me and the motor? Apparently not.

I changed the battery twice, I used it underwater, hoping this would somehow give the vibrations a kick up the proverbial and force them to go deeper or diffuse or do literally anything but disappear into the ether as soon as I applied even the tiniest hint of pressure, but nothing changed. I’m fairly sure the tiny watch battery orbs that came with Tenga’s earlier Vi-Bo range were more powerful than this. At least they didn’t just dissolve. I don’t know what to do with the mini – it works okay if I use light, circular motions or gentle brushing strokes or traced over my underwear, but that is not how I get off. It’s a tool for teasing and not much else.

I’m disappointed. The mini had so much going for it! So much potential! I’m still not sure if I really believe in the concept of ‘beginners toys’, but obviously there are a lot of people out there who don’t want to or are unable to shell out upwards of £40 on a first vibrator, no matter how good the reviews are, and the mini could’ve been another, better option in a sea of mediocre bullets and flimsy pocket rockets. I was rooting for you, mini, and you let me down. At least you’re cute.

I was sent the iroha mini by the lovely people at Simply Pleasure in exchange for a review. Thanks guys! You can buy the iroha mini in all three colourways at Simply Pleasure for £16.95, and they also stock the original Iroha line, which I previously reviewed here.

The Rose is nearly eight inches long and fairly slim but it has a bunch of differing measurements thanks to all those bulbs – the girthiest part, the bud, measures 5″ around, the middle bulb 4″ around, and the bottom bulb 5″ again. The skinny bit, the stem I guess, thins out to 1″ directly under the bud and the piece above the fattest bottom bulb is 2″. It’s completely straight, has a flared base, no g-spot or p-spot bend, and any texture is restricted to the bud, which has sculpted petal detailing that’s good for clit stimulation. Allegedly.

I get pink around the ears whenever something (usually a dildo) gets ‘great for clit stim’ slapped on it because it has a tiny bit of texture, it just seems redundant – like, it’s not exactly a Herculean feat, I could probably rub a Tropicana bottle on my clit and it’d feel good. Mmmmm, nodules.To take advantage of those textured petals I had to basically twirl this thing on my clit, which makes me feel like a fucking idiot if nothing else. The payoff isn’t worth the embarrassment I felt when my girlfriend was watching me jiggle this thing on my vulva like I was practising for some kind of obscene rhythmic gymnastics routine.

The Rose feels like such a non-event inside of me that it’s not even funny. I get angry when I think about the total lack of an impression this piece of glass left on me. There’s no curve to it and if I want it to rub up on my g-spot I have to angle it in a way that makes my hand cramp and it’s just not worth the effort, like, I have toys that hit my g-spot without even trying, what’s the point? Why am I deluding myself into thinking that this is one day going to feel good for me? The girth is inconsistent and I get nothing from the smooth bulbs, not that I can fully take advantage of them – the curse of the short vag strikes again and I can’t get beyond the second one. I truly have no idea why it feels this boring because it’s trying SO HARD and like, I love texture, this should’ve worked for me! I’m simultaneously upset for and offended by the Rose. I’ve tried everything! I’ve pinned my ankles behind my ears for this thing!

It’s not tooooootally useless – as someone who likes plugs but not actual phallic objects in their butt, this is a nice middle ground and the bulbs actually feel vaguely enjoyable this way. I don’t like the way the petals feel but I don’t like ‘em on my vag either and I generally keep my butt a texture-free zone (you better cut, file and buff your fingernails before you go down there, js) so this isn’t surprising. It still makes me mad to look at though, like, how can something try this hard and be this mediocre? Who allowed this to happen? I want to speak to the manager.

I don’t even know what to say. Maybe this is one of these things where context is super important and it feels 10x better when someone else is using it on you and they’ve bought it for you as a touching anniversary/v-day/birthday gift. Maybe it’s just my vag. Maybe it’s actually as boring as I think it is. Either way, I won’t know because I’ve returned it, and I’ve never been more grateful for Lovehoney’s returns policy.

I bought my Rose over at Lovehoney for £34.99.

My first ever sex toy was a silver Rocks-Off 80mm and I loved that thing, I adored it, it was a tiny shiny revolution in my bedside drawer. I complained of my phone making ‘weird buzzing noises’ just in case anyone overheard the faint zzzzzz of my little bullet, but one day it rolled away and disappeared into the dust behind a radiator somewhere and I moved house again shortly after. As much as I loved it, I didn’t think to buy another one until about a year later, when I finally decided to buy myself a ‘proper’ sex toy and ordered a terrifyingly huge wobbly pink jelly rabbit with rotating beads, flapping ears and a smiley face on the underside of the head. I got that thing inside of me three times ever – the little bumps from the smiley face actually hurt me so much I went at them with a scalpel – and earlier this year I finally sent it off to Lovehoney’s rabbit amnesty.

However, the little black bullet I bought along with the rabbit was a loyal friend until it broke, and that’s when I started buying other things. I bought myself a Lelo Gigi when I was flush, but I didn’t know how to use it at the time so I - for shame - left it in its box and moved onto cheap plastic whatsits with buzzy vibrations, a couple of straight classic vibes that I was always a little underwhelmed with, a weird neon jelly dildo with two ends (to be fair, I bought that more as an experiment than anything else and returned that within three months, with a grand total of five uses), and then a girl I was seeing introduced me to her Feeldoe and her Bodywand and her Tantus Curve and that was that. I figured out how to use my Gigi! I read about how gross jelly was, during my camming stint someone bought me a fairy wand (rip bbgurl, you left us too soon – the wand, not the person who got me it), and I figured out what kind of vibrations I liked. My older toys became mediocre. Kind of impressive in the way of numbers but in terms of like, actually getting me off? Nah pal. Not a fuckin chance.

A really good example of me outgrowing a toy is my Micro Magic Wand, which I haven’t even had that long, but in the time I have had it the amount of other, better toys I’ve been using has just completely spoiled me. I used to love this little thing! I thought it was the bees knees – but then something happened, to me, or to it, and it lost its charm. The vibrations irritate me. They feel thin, or sometimes I just can’t feel them at all, and I’m no longer able to justify the high pitched whine it makes even on the lowest setting, and I’m realising now just how obnoxious those little grooves on the head and the delightfully bendy neck are to clean. But it’s so cute! It fits into the palm of my hand, look how little the control is! But we’ve grown apart, me and the micro wand, and I have to say bye-bye, and put it into the box of all the other toys that I’ve grown apart from, and take it to the post office and look the lady behind the counter straight in the eye and lie to her when she asks what’s in this huge, unwieldy box. ‘Unwanted gifts. Cosmetics. I sold a bunch of fridge magnets to a collector on ebay.’ It’s not you, it’s me. Except maybe it is you a little bit, you and your less-than-stellar deadened vibrations.

I’ve been steadily returning and throwing out things I no longer use throughout this year but this is the last box! After this my toybox and my lil suitcase with the lock on it and my Big Bag of Bondage Bits are all going to be clean and free of things that were previously just taking up space. I’m a sentimental person, textbook cancerian, I never chuck things out, this is a big thing for me, I’m going to need like, emotional support and a strong cup of tea before I take this lot to the post office. I’m glad I had them – I probably wouldn’t be quite as forgiving if I hadn’t bought them from the one retailer that does free refunds and returns, I will admit – but I won’t miss them. I might get myself another 80mm though. Just for old time’s sake.

This is a very long review. Very long. Like, 1000+ words long, so please, please read it. I spent more time on this review than I’ve spent on some essays, I spent more time stressing about a sex toy than I’ve spent stressing about academic work, can we just let that sink in for a sec? Couple’s toys like this seem to be an incredibly divisive thing, judging from the reviews I’ve read about the We-Vibe(s) and the Tiani, and some people hate them, and some absolutely can’t-live-without-them adore them. My review falls into the former camp.I am a huge, huge fan of Lelo toys, like, I’m a little bit fanatical about them. My Gigi was one of the first toys I ever bought so that’s probably why I have such an unwavering loyalty to them – I think I’ve already mentioned in previous reviews that I’m definitely not a power queen so Lelo’s slightly subtler vibrations are perfect for me. I love ‘em. I really do. And this, coupled with my bizarre urge to smooth over everything bad (‘c’mon guys, it’s just a sprain! it’ll heal itself! what do you mean you can see the bone, don’t be daft, i feel fine!’) made writing this review a lil bit of an upsetting experience for me.

Just to reiterate – this is hella long, mostly waffle, and if you’re only interested in my experience using it solo, with toys, with my girlfriend, or with a male partner, please ctrl+f for either SOLO/TOYS/FEM/HET, whichever one you’re interested in, or you can just scroll down until you see the capitals. You do you, I won’t judge.

I know nobody ever reads the bit about the packaging, but the Ida, like all Lelo products, comes in gorgeous packaging, so…I’m going to write about it. It comes with a storage pouch, the charger, a ‘key’ to open the battery compartment for the remote, a remote control, a little Lelo registration card, a sample sachet of waterbased Lelo lube (very good, I highly recommend this), and batteries. The box it comes in can double as a storage box as it’s pretty sturdy but if you’re low on space the pouch will protect it too. I have no pictures of any of these delightful extras because I am a) lazy and b) a mucky pup who ruins all the beautiful packages she gets her hands on within a day.

I received mine in black – this contrasts beautifully with the gold detail on the Ida and on the remote. The only negative thing I have to say about this is that I wish the gold parts were made of metal instead of plastic as I think this cheapens an otherwise beautiful toy. The silicone the Ida is made of is matte, which looks wonderful against skin, is easy to clean, and feels super smooth and luxurious. The battery compartment on the remote opens with a little plastic key provided. I like this feature but I do wonder how you’d open it if you lost the key? I keep my nails long but I couldn’t claw it open and I had no success trying the slightly dampened flannel way of opening things. Another thing – why does the Tara come in that lovely cobalt blue but the Ida doesn’t?

I couldn’t wait to try out the remote function, I’m such a sucker for fancy gadget-y type things and I’ve never owned a toy with a wireless remote before, so that was the first thing I did. I wasn’t disappointed – it has ‘SenseMotion’ technology, which basically means that depending on how you tilt (or shake!) it, the Ida reacts accordingly. It’s pretty involved but I’m going to describe it as best I can, you turn the Ida on and then you press the + button on the remote to turn it on and they kind of ‘find’ each other, they’re able to communicate from this point. The remote and the Ida will vibrate together, varying in intensity, based on how far you’re tilting it towards and away from you. If you press the central button, you can switch the function, and if you press it again, you can switch to the ‘shake to vibrate’ function, which is pretty self-explanatory.

Included with the Ida is a little booklet explaining all of this much better than I’m able to. Oh, and there’s a little light on the remote that’s signifying that it’s on – you need to press the – button to turn it all off. Oh, another thing – it’s  completely waterproof. Sexy couples tiny rotating arm aquatic funtimes for all?

One thing that I did notice before I used the Ida is that you’re unable to turn off the rotation setting. Kind of a bummer for such an expensive toy, really, especially considering how loud it is – it makes a pretty abrasive noise, but it’s not intolerable or anything, I’ve used battery operated vibrators that have been way worse – but I was hoping that I’d be so blinded by this wonderful rotating sensation that I’d never want to turn it off anyway. Huh. On to what it actually felt like.

SOLO: Using the Ida totally alone isn’t something that tips me over the edge, the arm doesn’t rub against my g-spot as hard as I’d like it to to so it can’t make me orgasm just from that, and the part that’s supposed to rest on your clit and move around in circles doesn’t actually sit on my clit unless I push it way back and then the outer arm part digs uncomfortably into my vulva. It’s irritating because it’s such an almost-there, almost-there kind of feeling, similar to the feeling you get with from a rabbit that doesn’t ‘fit’ you quite right, and then I end up pushing it back and – ouch. No. I do like using the rotating arm to rub in little circles around my clit though, like a very sensitive teasing finger. It’s not going to make me orgasm just from doing that but it feels pretty great. Not £140 great, but y’know. It’s good. Next.

TOYS: Glass toys, especially the textured kind, are a no-go zone with the Ida as the little rotating arm grinds against the toy and creates a noise not dissimilar to the sound that was created when I tried to crush chunks of ice in my ancient blender. Softer and more flexible toys work best for me and Ida, my favourite so far being a slim, slightly curved silicone dildo that I’ve lost the packaging for and can’t remember the make of. The arm seems to rest nicely in the curve of the toy and this gives it a little bit of room to do its fun rotate-y thing in, which I do like, while I’m still able to benefit from the fuller feeling the dildo gives me. Also, interestingly, I found that you can kind of use it like how I think wireless eggs are meant to be used! The Ida is big enough for me that it sits nicely inside my vagina by itself with no slipping or escape attempts, so I can use it for a bit of a tease during foreplay with a partner. Using it with lots of lube applied on what my girlfriend calls the ‘clit shield’ and clenching my pelvic muscles produces a sensation kind of similar to very soft, very gentle oral sex, which I haven’t experienced from any other kind of sex toy so far. Unfortunately, standing up and walking around with it in wasn’t a pleasant experience, but it’s not designed with that in mind. Swings and roundabouts.

HET: When I showed this to my male partner he crinkled up his nose and went ‘are you sure that’s going to fit in there? with me? seriously?’. I should’ve listened. We tried. We tried so hard! There was no room in there! It really hurt, it didn’t matter how much lube we used, it felt like I was being jabbed AND stretched too far at the same time. Thrusting pulled it out a little bit and then whacked it back up against my vulva again, it just wasn’t good. We tried it with me on top, which was by far the most painful, spooning, where it almost slid out and got crushed, missionary, where it jabbed me the most, and from behind, which was the most tolerable, but I still wouldn’t repeat it. I definitely wouldn’t use it again with a male partner – I will just say that he is girthier than average, so I had anticipated some difficulty, but I didn’t expect it to hurt quite like it did. We do use condoms, so there was additional friction there, but I did think that the amount of lube we used would’ve negated that somewhat, I can’t imagine there being that huge of a difference if we didn’t use them.

FEM: The Ida seems to be almost solely aimed at heterosexual couples but there’s nothing stating that you can’t use it with strapons, so, my partner and I decided we’d try the Ida with the one we most commonly use, which is the Fun Factory Share. Unfortunately, this was an unmitigated disaster. The Share is made of a matte silicone, the Ida is made of a matte silicone…if we had used any more lube I think there would have been serious danger of one of us drowning. Our bedroom quickly turned into some kind of lubricated hell world where the bedsheets are slippery and you’re doomed to wrestle with a beautiful girl for the rest of your life but you’re totally unable to get her off. We ran into the same problem that I had with my male partner, which is that there just doesn’t seem to be enough room inside me to fit both the Ida and something else in there comfortably – it just didn’t work. However. I’m a big old softie and I hate writing things off completely. The main issue we seemed to have here is that the Share, which we were using, is too matte and too thick to play happily with the Ida. Other, slimmer toys have worked in conjunction with her, and so I’m going to say that if you own a strapon with a slimmer, more slick dildo – say, the Tantus Silk in the slim or medium size (bonus points for it having a curve) – it might just work? Maybe? If you have £140 to burn and a compulsive need to try everything once, it might be worth a go. Can you tell I maybe possibly kind of have issues saying that I outright dislike something?