I’m going to be totally honest and say that the Icicles rose doesn’t really appeal to me aesthetically, it actually kind of reminds me of those cheap mock-Murano sculptures you find in like, the Home section of Sainsburys. But when I’m looking at something to stick in my vagina I’m not that concerned about whether I’d want to leave it out my bookshelf or not – although, coincidentally, I have done that. And everyone knew what it was, probably because they know me well enough to twig that I’d never buy something that looked like this unless it served a higher purpose.
The Rose is nearly eight inches long and fairly slim but it has a bunch of differing measurements thanks to all those bulbs – the girthiest part, the bud, measures 5″ around, the middle bulb 4″ around, and the bottom bulb 5″ again. The skinny bit, the stem I guess, thins out to 1″ directly under the bud and the piece above the fattest bottom bulb is 2″. It’s completely straight, has a flared base, no g-spot or p-spot bend, and any texture is restricted to the bud, which has sculpted petal detailing that’s good for clit stimulation. Allegedly.
I get pink around the ears whenever something (usually a dildo) gets ‘great for clit stim’ slapped on it because it has a tiny bit of texture, it just seems redundant – like, it’s not exactly a Herculean feat, I could probably rub a Tropicana bottle on my clit and it’d feel good. Mmmmm, nodules.To take advantage of those textured petals I had to basically twirl this thing on my clit, which makes me feel like a fucking idiot if nothing else. The payoff isn’t worth the embarrassment I felt when my girlfriend was watching me jiggle this thing on my vulva like I was practising for some kind of obscene rhythmic gymnastics routine.
The Rose feels like such a non-event inside of me that it’s not even funny. I get angry when I think about the total lack of an impression this piece of glass left on me. There’s no curve to it and if I want it to rub up on my g-spot I have to angle it in a way that makes my hand cramp and it’s just not worth the effort, like, I have toys that hit my g-spot without even trying, what’s the point? Why am I deluding myself into thinking that this is one day going to feel good for me? The girth is inconsistent and I get nothing from the smooth bulbs, not that I can fully take advantage of them – the curse of the short vag strikes again and I can’t get beyond the second one. I truly have no idea why it feels this boring because it’s trying SO HARD and like, I love texture, this should’ve worked for me! I’m simultaneously upset for and offended by the Rose. I’ve tried everything! I’ve pinned my ankles behind my ears for this thing!
It’s not tooooootally useless – as someone who likes plugs but not actual phallic objects in their butt, this is a nice middle ground and the bulbs actually feel vaguely enjoyable this way. I don’t like the way the petals feel but I don’t like ’em on my vag either and I generally keep my butt a texture-free zone (you better cut, file and buff your fingernails before you go down there, js) so this isn’t surprising. It still makes me mad to look at though, like, how can something try this hard and be this mediocre? Who allowed this to happen? I want to speak to the manager.
I don’t even know what to say. Maybe this is one of these things where context is super important and it feels 10x better when someone else is using it on you and they’ve bought it for you as a touching anniversary/v-day/birthday gift. Maybe it’s just my vag. Maybe it’s actually as boring as I think it is. Either way, I won’t know because I’ve returned it, and I’ve never been more grateful for Lovehoney’s returns policy.
I bought my Rose over at Lovehoney for £34.99.