I am not the biggest fan of my vag.

I like other people’s. I like most vaginas – I think they’re great! They’re magical! They’re like flowers, or oysters! There’s a Georgia O’Keeffe print in the bathroom! But I have gender feelings about mine, big bad weird ugly gender feelings, and there’s no amount of ‘but look how pretty’ (validation via only ‘prettiness’ is not the way I want to go about anything in my life, but thanks) and ‘the human body is incredible’ (blech) that can make those go away.

But if anything’s going to make me happy that I have one, it’s the Pure Wand.

The njoy Pure Wand is a sleek curve of stainless steel that’s a pain in the butt to photograph and weighs in at a hefty 1.5lbs, or 680g – think a jar of golden syrup. It’s been carefully weighted and each end has a different circumference, the bigger bulb being 4.5 inches around and the smaller measuring 3.25 around. Completely smooth with a mirror shine – except for the njoy logo, which I think is in a brushed steel finish? – it’s a beautiful piece of work, and could probably do some serious damage if you were to drop it on your foot. Don’t do that.

STORYTIME – before I really begin, I feel like I kind of to have to mention squirting in some capacity* here as this has been touted time and time again as some kind of divining rod for prostates and g-spots alike. I don’t squirt. I’ve done it twice, hated it, and I have no interest in doing it again. This is a non-negotiable thing. I’m sure the Pure Wand is more than capable of making me squirt again, it definitely feels like it could – but I can’t help anyone with that. Sorry fronds.

The day my Pure Wand arrived (I was very emotional) I wasn’t as productive with it as I’d like to have been – usually I like to use things the second I get them, but it was cold outside. And the steel was freezing. And there was no hot water. Rainy days in England have this incredible effect on the body where you feel instantly miserable as soon as you’re under that grey sky, and the furthest thing on my mind was wanking. But eventually the weather got warmer – unbearably warm – and as it turns out, a sunny day with a clear blue sky and a sharp chill is the best kind of weather for stuffing yourself full of steel.

The bigger bulb seems to be what most people use but I’ve not really been able to get along with it; it feels too big, unwieldy, too heavy, uncomfortable, bulky. It’s the same feeling I get when I haven’t warmed up properly and I’m trying to use something internally – except it feels like that aaaaaaaall the time. It’s very possible that this is just a learning curve I have yet to master, but for now the big end is relegated to other people’s vaginas and for the odd shoulder/leg massage.

The little end though, oh god, I don’t know how it does it but it does it so well. It’s like a heat-seeking missile for g-spot stimulation; all I have to do is apply a little bit of lube, nudge it upwards and rock it back and forth. My g-spot’s shallow but placed higher up, and the Pure Wand finds it and basically hammers it into submission in the best kind of way – like, I paired it with the We-Vibe Touch and was completely unable to walk afterwards. It’s that good. The only downside is that after relentlessly banging away at my vagina with a pound and a half of steel my arm starts to hurt and I sometimes have to admit defeat; but luckily for me I have a girlfriend whose arms are considerably stronger than mine and who really likes watching me bite the pillow.

Getting a Pure Wand has also managed to increase my all-consuming lust for a Pure plug tenfold; if this feels good in my butt, then what’s a Pure plug going to feel like? How well crafted is that going to be? It’s so smooth that I don’t need that much warmup, and it does something that only my large Rosebud plug has done before (and that’s only if I lie on my back & pull my knees up) – it stimulates my g-spot. It feels even more intense, if that’s possible, although I still prefer it in my vag.

I love the Pure Wand. I am a convert. There isn’t a position it doesn’t feel good in, although I think it feels the best on my hands and knees, or on my back with my legs pulled up. It can be used with any lubricant, it’s easy to clean, it comes with a storage box, it’s gonna last me forever and it can be brought to my favourite temperature by soaking it in a sink of warm water. I’m a bit scared it’s going to replace all my other insertable toys, if I’m honest, but I love it so much I almost don’t care. Engrave ‘apricot 4 njoy’ in a heart on a tree, because I am in looooooooove.

I bought my Pure Wand from Lovehoney, but you can also buy it at Shevibe and Sh!

* hahahahahhahaah capacity

The Double-O is fairly slim, and measures just shy of 8 inches long. It’s got a distinct bend to it, each textured half curves upwards and with the bulbous ends it’s no surprise that it’s marketed mainly as a g-spot stimulator. The two textures each provide different sensations – one side has large, evenly spaced bumps, and the other a long, slender swirl. I’m not going to say it’s butt safe because it doesn’t have a flared base – I guess you could count the opposing bulb as a barrier of some kind, but I wouldn’t risk it. We all know how I feel about buttholes.

The Double-O surprised me in that I actually prefer the end with the swirls over the lumpy bumpy end. I’ve never actually owned a toy with swirls like this on before – is that weird? do I get my texture slut card revoked for admitting that? – and I love the ones on this dildo. The bumps are perfectly fine too, don’t get me wrong, they’re not abrasive or unpleasant by any means – slightly bigger and spaced further apart than the ones on my beloved Octopussy, and the curve of the Double-O means that it works way better for external stimulation than most straight toys do, and I prefer the bumpy end for that over the swirly end, but when it comes down to actually sticking this in myself – I choose the swirly/curly/twisty end every time.

The swirls are slim, but raised just high enough off the surface that I can feel really feel ‘em. This is a bit of a novelty to me – the one remotely curly dildo I previously owned was the Icicles 29, which has a swirly texture but it’s like, engraved into the surface of the toy as opposed to raised off it. It was disappointing. Anyway, the far superior twisty end of the Double-O does…things to my insides. Really good things. It doesn’t do anything particularly innovative, it doesn’t rub up on my g-spot like the Cush or Comet wand do – it just feels really, really good.

I also found out that I can do this SUPER COOL THING with the Double-O – I can rotate it! It’s long enough to have room for my hand on the bumpy end (I was going to say ‘whichever end I’m not using’ but c’mon, when am I ever using the lumpy end inside of me, my love for the swirl is strong and unyielding), and if I pull my knees up or lie with my butt up, face down in the pillow I can turn rotate it in small circles, much like you would with one of those dildos with the tiny handles on and it. Feels. Incredible. Even if I do feel a bit like a sexy version of one of those wind-up dolls while I’m doing it. The one thing I have to watch out for when doing my rotate-y thing is trying to avoid getting lube all over the other end, but I guess this is where latex gloves would come in handy.

Speaking of my g-spot, the Double-O doesn’t work for me as a toy specifically for g-spot stim. It should do – look at those bulbs! Feeeeeeeel the firmness! But it doesn’t, and that’s okay. Not every toy is going to do that for me. It does provide some stimulation, but I can’t seem to angle it right to get any more out of it. It’s just not a g-spot toy for me, it’s no Cush or Comet wand, but nor is my Tantus Splash, and I love that thing so much I think it might actually be the one sex toy I’d save if my house were on fire. Everything else feels so good that I can overlook that.

I can’t shake the feeling that the reflection of a DSLR would look much more impressive than my phone.

Cleaning’s a bit of a pain, as with all textured glass dildos, and I swear this glass picks up fingerprints more easily than any other glass toy I have. Maybe it’s because it’s higher quality or maybe it’s something to do with clarity or maybe it’s just the dark green showing up my greasy prints more than say, a clear or pastel toy.

A Touch of Glass – who go by EroticGlass on twitter, and their website is actually theglassdildoshop.co.uk - were nice enough to provide the Double-O to me in exchange for a review. I really can’t recommend them highly enough, and they have a huge array of toys to choose from! Also, they package their toys exceptionally well – mine was sent to me in a box literally filled to the brim with polystyrene pellets, which exploded out of the box when I cut it open and gave the cat her very own 30 second mini-festival. Although I am still finding them behind my desk, which probably says more about my cleaning skillz than anything.

The Rose is nearly eight inches long and fairly slim but it has a bunch of differing measurements thanks to all those bulbs – the girthiest part, the bud, measures 5″ around, the middle bulb 4″ around, and the bottom bulb 5″ again. The skinny bit, the stem I guess, thins out to 1″ directly under the bud and the piece above the fattest bottom bulb is 2″. It’s completely straight, has a flared base, no g-spot or p-spot bend, and any texture is restricted to the bud, which has sculpted petal detailing that’s good for clit stimulation. Allegedly.

I get pink around the ears whenever something (usually a dildo) gets ‘great for clit stim’ slapped on it because it has a tiny bit of texture, it just seems redundant – like, it’s not exactly a Herculean feat, I could probably rub a Tropicana bottle on my clit and it’d feel good. Mmmmm, nodules.To take advantage of those textured petals I had to basically twirl this thing on my clit, which makes me feel like a fucking idiot if nothing else. The payoff isn’t worth the embarrassment I felt when my girlfriend was watching me jiggle this thing on my vulva like I was practising for some kind of obscene rhythmic gymnastics routine.

The Rose feels like such a non-event inside of me that it’s not even funny. I get angry when I think about the total lack of an impression this piece of glass left on me. There’s no curve to it and if I want it to rub up on my g-spot I have to angle it in a way that makes my hand cramp and it’s just not worth the effort, like, I have toys that hit my g-spot without even trying, what’s the point? Why am I deluding myself into thinking that this is one day going to feel good for me? The girth is inconsistent and I get nothing from the smooth bulbs, not that I can fully take advantage of them – the curse of the short vag strikes again and I can’t get beyond the second one. I truly have no idea why it feels this boring because it’s trying SO HARD and like, I love texture, this should’ve worked for me! I’m simultaneously upset for and offended by the Rose. I’ve tried everything! I’ve pinned my ankles behind my ears for this thing!

It’s not tooooootally useless – as someone who likes plugs but not actual phallic objects in their butt, this is a nice middle ground and the bulbs actually feel vaguely enjoyable this way. I don’t like the way the petals feel but I don’t like ‘em on my vag either and I generally keep my butt a texture-free zone (you better cut, file and buff your fingernails before you go down there, js) so this isn’t surprising. It still makes me mad to look at though, like, how can something try this hard and be this mediocre? Who allowed this to happen? I want to speak to the manager.

I don’t even know what to say. Maybe this is one of these things where context is super important and it feels 10x better when someone else is using it on you and they’ve bought it for you as a touching anniversary/v-day/birthday gift. Maybe it’s just my vag. Maybe it’s actually as boring as I think it is. Either way, I won’t know because I’ve returned it, and I’ve never been more grateful for Lovehoney’s returns policy.

I bought my Rose over at Lovehoney for £34.99.

I probably should’ve put a jumper on that wasn’t covered in paint before I took this. Sorry to ruin your big moment, cush.

The Cush is all kinds of adorable for something that’s seven inches long and so girthy that I can only just fit my whole hand around the widest part. I received mine in the candy colour, which looks like someone poured a carton of semi-melted strawberry sorbet into a dildo mould and let it set, and as it’s from Tantus’ dual density O2 line it’s got this plush outerlayer that’s especially squishable (is that a word? I’m making it a word) at the tip – I can pinch and prod at this thing all day! It’s like one of those desktop stress relievers, except it’s phallic and you put it in your various orifices. For stress relief. And orgasms.

The Cush is a chubby little cutie – it measures just shy of 6 inches around over the bulgy tip, the prominent ridge midway down the shaft and at the base, where it feels firmest and the outerlayer is thinnest. It’s safe for butt stuff and even fits into my RodeoHs, but it causes major sagging and I have to wander around with this piece of semi-translucent silicone dangling between my thighs like a cowboy. The soft matte silicone attracts every bit of dust within a two foot radius, although not as badly as my other, shinier, grippier Tantus toys do (Goddess & Splash), but I would not advise an impromptu dildo-blowie unless you’ve just given it a good rinse. Even I don’t know why I keep doing that, you’d think I’d know better by now but I guess all my primary school teachers were right and I’m doomed to go through life getting lint in my mouth one way or another.

The Cush is currently the biggest insertable toy I own, and as it’s sooooo girthy (do not underestimate how big it is, I know I didn’t fully realise quite how large it is until I actually had one in my hands) I definitely need warmup before I use the Cush –  I’ve fallen into doing this three-step thing, kind of like my evening skincare routine, but instead of oil cleanse, tone, and moisturise, it’s wand, something glassy, Cush. I really can’t stress how important lube is here either, I’m actually on the lookout for a new, thicker but still water-based one as my much-beloved Sliquid H20 doesn’t work as well as I want it to with this unless I seriously slather it in the stuff. It’s too runny.

Oh my god though, it’s so worth the fuss. I don’t know what it does or how it does it but mary mother of christ and all her angels, jesus be a fence around me and protect me from the devil because this thing is STUPID good. The only explanation I can come up with is that it really fills me up – ugh, most disgusting wording ever, sorry – and as a result my g-spot has nowhere to hide. I don’t even have to work at it! It’s magic. Other people have mentioned in their reviews of the Cush that it can be difficult to thrust with because of the broad flat base, but I don’t really thrust with my dildos, I tend to do more of a jiggly movement, so this isn’t an issue for me.

I do have a little bit of a gripe with it though. That gorgeous ridge midway down the shaft? I stand no chance of getting that inside of me and it is maddening. Depending on how I’m using it or having it used on me, the deepest I’ve been able to take it is so that the ridge is just about tickling my vaginal entrance. So close! So far away! This is such a shame because I lllllove texture and I was really looking forward to feeling that beautiful ridge, but I guess it’s just not meant to be for me and my shallow vag. It’s also been puzzling me a bit, because I can definitely take my Mustang deeper than I can the Cush, and my dude-thing is around the same size as the Cush but slightly longer and thicker round his, uh, base? and I know that he goes deeper than the Cush. Maybe it’s because the 02 silicone has less give? If you can take this glorious toy in your butt or vag deep enough to feel that ridge, I salute you and please tell me all about it so I can live vicariously through you.

The Cush also works really well for harness use and as you’d expect, being fucked with it is amaaazing. I almost prefer using it that way to using it for masturbation but it can get a little overwhelming in the best kind of way with all that girth, and we have to use a more heavy-duty harness than we would with a smaller dildo as it does have a tendency to flop about and sometimes needs a bit of a helping hand.

I love, love, love my Cush. I like larger dildos to be squishy, and while it’s not as soft as I’d like it to be it’s still plushy enough to satisfy me – if you’re wondering about how O2 holds up to Vixskin, Vixskin is significantly softer and feels more ‘realistic’, but the O2 is more matte, doesn’t collect as much dust, doesn’t have the same borderline-tacky quality that Vixskin has and is less prone to sliding about. It’s cute as fuck and I don’t even have to do any weird angling to get it to hit my g-spot the way I want it to, it just does! It’s a true marvel. Thankyou, Tantus, for making this perfectly formed chunk of premium silicone, and please don’t ever discontinue it or I’ll cry, probably.

I was sent the Cush by the total angels over at Tantus in exchange for a review.

Biodick-lookin dildos gross me out, I’m not gonna lie. They veer into uncanny valley territory for me personally, and while I’m all about the concept of having several disembodied dicks adorning your furniture like you’re living in some kind of seventies Hammer Horror maneating ladies-and-succubi-only cave, the reality just doesn’t appeal. The veins are either too delicate and thread-like and reminiscent of a recently skinned chicken, or too chunky and cartoonish. The heads are creepy and nearly always circumcised – my male partner is the only circumcised dude I’ve ever slept with and I still sometimes get confused! Balls frankly frighten me and the weird approximations of ‘flesh’ tones that you generally get make my skin crawl, usually either a sickly pale salmon or a generic orangey tan. But this. This is TIE-DYE. The colour scheme and the supersoft, super forgiving silicone puts a lovely blanket over all the things I hate about biodick-dildos and makes them more than tolerable. I now actively like all of these features. See? I could’ve said ‘flaws’ there, and I didn’t.

First off – specifics. The Mustang is 8 inches long, including the base, with a fairly prominent curve and it measures 4.5 inches in circumference. It has a faint veined texture on the shaft, and two ridges at the top. It’s 100% silicone, so always use this with water based lube – no hybrids, no silicone lube – and the base means it’s good for use in a harness AND it’s butt safe. The silicone is dual-density, which means it has this amaaaaazing plush outerlayer and a slightly firmer inner ‘core’…so a little bit like the dildo equivalent one of those ridiculous new Ben & Jerrys core ice creams, but in reverse and infinitely better. When I first got it I was initially intimidated by how defined the ridge on the head is in case it felt huge behind my pubic bone, but the material is really forgiving and gentle. It’s wonderful, girthy enough to give you a full feeling but not so much that you start to feel uncomfortably stretched out – the only thing with it is that it does tend to eat lube up so it’s a good idea to have a bottle of lube on hand in case you start, uh, running dry, as it were.

The dual-density silicone is one of the squishiest, most delightful textures I’ve ever had the pleasure of putting in my various orifices and occasionally snuggling up against and falling asleep with. It feels slightly tacky without (water based!!!) lube on it, it’s got a lot of bend, and a lot of what my girlfriend calls ‘flop factor’, as in, ‘this dick has an extremely high flop factor, I want to bounce it off your face and mouth/vulva’. Having said this, it’s still more than firm enough to fuck yourself or someone else with, the underside is definitely harder than the top of it, which is a plus because this means it still holds its curve well and looks perky and ready for action in a harness, and it doesn’t slip around or bend double onto itself when you’re trying to get it inside your vag. The Mustang lends itself really well to harness use – I know this might sound kind of dumb, like, duh, obviously – but there’s something about it that enables you to really fuck with it. It feels natural. I don’t know what it is, my girlfriend thinks it’s the curve and the flexibility, I think it’s more down to how it holds in heat, whatever it is, it’s great and we sometimes refer to it as ‘the dick’, which is Kind Of A Big Deal.

The Mustang, with a little work, is amazing for my gspot alone. My gspot is pretty shy, I only found it recently and while I can have orgasms just from stimulating it, it takes time, and work, and just banging away at it with a hard object doesn’t do it so much for me. It needs gentle coaxing, which the Mustang does – the ridges on the head almost brush it on the outstroke, and ten minutes of that and I’m drooling all over the pillow. I especially like using it with a clit vibe – the base isn’t so unwieldy that I’m unable to use a vibe and manoeuvre the Mustang the way I want to without getting hand cramp – and pressing the flat edge of my Tango up against the base makes for some pretty interesting sensations too. I’m saying interesting because I don’t really like internal vibrations, but the ones from the Tango end up deadened a little bit and become more of a gently stimulating purr. The head is also amazing for rubbing over my clit, which is my favourite sexy thing in the world, probably, so that’s a huge bonus.

However, this thing collects dust like nothing else. Please don’t ever put it in your mouth after it’s been lying in your bedsheets for a little while. I have a lot of hair, the cats have a lot of hair, this house in general has a lot of things in it that collect a lot of dust - it just seems to attract all of it, somehow, even after you’re done washing it. I think that binning the clear tube and putting it in a generic cloth bag would be a total disaster, which is partly why I haven’t got rid of it – the other reason being that it’s super pretty and I think it deserves to be shown off. The tube doesn’t take up that much room, anyway.

I’m so, so glad I bought this dildo. Thinking about it, I probably wouldn’t have bought the Mustang if it didn’t come in tie-bright (weirdly labelled as ‘blue’ on the Lovehoney website) but the silicone’s so great that I’m willing to try and overcome my irrational fear of flesh tones for a Maverick. Maybe one day. I mean, I’d much rather have the green or another tie-bright if they were miraculously made available again but I’m willing to try, guys, this is a Big Deal for me. If you want a high quality silicone dildo that’s ”’realistic”’ but not eerily so, with almost one-size-fits-all dimensions, I would highly, highly recommend the Mustang. Five stars, round of applause.

I bought my Mustang over at Lovehoney!