Category Archives: never again

lelo never again purple reviews silicone vibrator

Review – Lelo Hula Beads


I think I might be fundamentally missing the point of the Hula Beads.

I’ve never been one for ‘love eggs’. It’s such a married-with-2-kids-and-a-silver-car thing – ‘hubby controlled this egg while we were in Tesco! it was such a turn on! lol!’ and all the ones I’ve experienced so far have been noisy and ugly. The Hula Beads are neither of these things, but they still didn’t work out for me. I’m starting think that I should stick to Lelo’s regular line in future, because me and this Insignia line just aren’t getting along like we’re supposed to.

Even though purple’s my least favourite colour, I’ve got to admit that the Hula Beads are ridiculously gorgeous. I have the deep rose set, and it’s a vampy, rich fuchsia offset by gold accents. I’m a total sucker for Lelo’s silicone; satin-smooth, it feels almost velvety, barely picks up dust, and covers the rigid inner workings with a silky, waterproof shell. They feel reassuringly sleek and weighty, but are let down a little by the highlights, which are disappointingly just gold-painted plastic. C’mon, Lelo – surely the £120 price tag warrants actual metal and not spraypainted ABS?

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Review – Tenga Iroha mini (sora-mikan)

iroI wanted to love the iroha mini so hard.

It’s cute! It’s tiny! Even the packaging’s well-designed! It’s body-safe, discreet, and easy to travel with because it looks absolutely nothing like a sex toy and the battery’s easy to remove. It’s relatively quiet, ridiculously cheap and waterproof. It comes in colours other than pink and purple. So far, so good, right?

I received the sora-mikan colour scheme, which is the one I was hoping for as it combines two of my favourite colours – a chalky sky blue on the bottom, and a juicy tangerine upper half. The bottom half’s made from ABS plastic and the top half from elastomer, which I don’t really get the point of – both surfaces feel pretty much exactly the same and the elastomer doesn’t make a huge difference concerning softness, plus this means I can’t use oil or silicone based lubricants with it. Boo.

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dildo glass icicles never again pink reviews

Icicles Rose (no. 12) glass dildo review

rosey66I’m going to be totally honest and say that the Icicles rose doesn’t really appeal to me aesthetically, it actually kind of reminds me of those cheap mock-Murano sculptures you find in like, the Home section of Sainsburys. But when I’m looking at something to stick in my vagina I’m not that concerned about whether I’d want to leave it out my bookshelf or not – although, coincidentally, I have done that. And everyone knew what it was, probably because they know me well enough to twig that I’d never buy something that looked like this unless it served a higher purpose.

The Rose is nearly eight inches long and fairly slim but it has a bunch of differing measurements thanks to all those bulbs – the girthiest part, the bud, measures 5″ around, the middle bulb 4″ around, and the bottom bulb 5″ again. The skinny bit, the stem I guess, thins out to 1″ directly under the bud and the piece above the fattest bottom bulb is 2″. It’s completely straight, has a flared base, no g-spot or p-spot bend, and any texture is restricted to the bud, which has sculpted petal detailing that’s good for clit stimulation. Allegedly.

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about etc never again

Some misplaced nostalgia: on outgrowing toys

MICROW2I’m having a clearout, and I’m kind of sad about it. Sad might not be the right word – nostalgic? Nostalgic. Getting a little bit misty-eyed over a box of paper, hard ABS plastic and tiny motors.

My first ever sex toy was a silver Rocks-Off 80mm and I loved that thing, I adored it, it was a tiny shiny revolution in my bedside drawer. I complained of my phone making ‘weird buzzing noises’ just in case anyone overheard the faint zzzzzz of my little bullet, but one day it rolled away and disappeared into the dust behind a radiator somewhere and I moved house again shortly after. As much as I loved it, I didn’t think to buy another one until about a year later, when I finally decided to buy myself a ‘proper’ sex toy and ordered a terrifyingly huge wobbly pink jelly rabbit with rotating beads, flapping ears and a smiley face on the underside of the head. I got that thing inside of me three times ever – the little bumps from the smiley face actually hurt me so much I went at them with a scalpel – and earlier this year I finally sent it off to Lovehoney’s rabbit amnesty.

However, the little black bullet I bought along with the rabbit was a loyal friend until it broke, and that’s when I started buying other things. I bought myself a Lelo Gigi when I was flush, but I didn’t know how to use it at the time so I – for shame – left it in its box and moved onto cheap plastic whatsits with buzzy vibrations, a couple of straight classic vibes that I was always a little underwhelmed with, a weird neon jelly dildo with two ends (to be fair, I bought that more as an experiment than anything else and returned that within three months, with a grand total of five uses), and then a girl I was seeing introduced me to her Feeldoe and her Bodywand and her Tantus Curve and that was that. I figured out how to use my Gigi! I read about how gross jelly was, during my camming stint someone bought me a fairy wand (rip bbgurl, you left us too soon – the wand, not the person who got me it), and I figured out what kind of vibrations I liked. My older toys became mediocre. Kind of impressive in the way of numbers but in terms of like, actually getting me off? Nah pal. Not a fuckin chance.

MICROWA really good example of me outgrowing a toy is my Micro Magic Wand, which I haven’t even had that long, but in the time I have had it the amount of other, better toys I’ve been using has just completely spoiled me. I used to love this little thing! I thought it was the bees knees – but then something happened, to me, or to it, and it lost its charm. The vibrations irritate me. They feel thin, or sometimes I just can’t feel them at all, and I’m no longer able to justify the high pitched whine it makes even on the lowest setting, and I’m realising now just how obnoxious those little grooves on the head and the delightfully bendy neck are to clean. But it’s so cute! It fits into the palm of my hand, look how little the control is! But we’ve grown apart, me and the micro wand, and I have to say bye-bye, and put it into the box of all the other toys that I’ve grown apart from, and take it to the post office and look the lady behind the counter straight in the eye and lie to her when she asks what’s in this huge, unwieldy box. ‘Unwanted gifts. Cosmetics. I sold a bunch of fridge magnets to a collector on ebay.’ It’s not you, it’s me. Except maybe it is you a little bit, you and your less-than-stellar deadened vibrations.

I’ve been steadily returning and throwing out things I no longer use throughout this year but this is the last box! After this my toybox and my lil suitcase with the lock on it and my Big Bag of Bondage Bits are all going to be clean and free of things that were previously just taking up space. I’m a sentimental person, textbook cancerian, I never chuck things out, this is a big thing for me, I’m going to need like, emotional support and a strong cup of tea before I take this lot to the post office. I’m glad I had them – I probably wouldn’t be quite as forgiving if I hadn’t bought them from the one retailer that does free refunds and returns, I will admit – but I won’t miss them. I might get myself another 80mm though. Just for old time’s sake.

lelo never again reviews silicone vibrator

Lelo Ida review: I really didn’t want to write this.

LELO2The Lelo Ida was very kindly sent to me by the angels over at Lovehoney for review.

This is a very long review. Very long. Like, 1000+ words long, so please, please read it. I spent more time on this review than I’ve spent on some essays, I spent more time stressing about a sex toy than I’ve spent stressing about academic work, can we just let that sink in for a sec? Couple’s toys like this seem to be an incredibly divisive thing, judging from the reviews I’ve read about the We-Vibe(s) and the Tiani, and some people hate them, and some absolutely can’t-live-without-them adore them. My review falls into the former camp.I am a huge, huge fan of Lelo toys, like, I’m a little bit fanatical about them. My Gigi was one of the first toys I ever bought so that’s probably why I have such an unwavering loyalty to them – I think I’ve already mentioned in previous reviews that I’m definitely not a power queen so Lelo’s slightly subtler vibrations are perfect for me. I love ‘em. I really do. And this, coupled with my bizarre urge to smooth over everything bad (‘c’mon guys, it’s just a sprain! it’ll heal itself! what do you mean you can see the bone, don’t be daft, i feel fine!’) made writing this review a lil bit of an upsetting experience for me.

Just to reiterate – this is hella long, mostly waffle, and if you’re only interested in my experience using it solo, with toys, with my girlfriend, or with a male partner, please ctrl+f for either SOLO/TOYS/FEM/HET, whichever one you’re interested in, or you can just scroll down until you see the capitals. You do you, I won’t judge.
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