I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for an unacceptable amount of time (I posted the first instalment in June, oops) because over summer I a) had a lot of technical difficulties, b) work! and c) I was really busy being the best sexy deviant nightmare bisexual from hell that I could ever dream of being. Sorry. But it’s all a-okay and I’m back again! Keep your eyes peeled for a review of a dildo shaped like Jesus in the next few days, because that’s something that I’m into now, followed by yet more reviews (I’m so excited!) and my first ever giveaway at the end of the month.

Anyway. Back to the porn – oh, the porn, there’s so much of it and it’s all so good and it was so hard – heh – choosing, I thought I’d have to do a top fifty or something because really, that is the only way I’d be able to cram in every single episode that makes my heart race especially hard. But I can’t do that. So here’s the other part of my top ten, and five more reasons why you should buy yourself a Crash Pad Series subscription.

 

Episode 46 – Mariah Cherry Christmas Special & Maybelline

So you know how people have their go-to’s? Like, your go-to hot drink order or your go-to lube or your go-to outfit? This is my go-to porn episode. It has everything I like in it! It never gets old! And I maintain that this could easily be cut into any given John Waters film (Polyester, anyone? C’mon. HAIRSPRAY.) and you wouldn’t know that it was never supposed to be there, so in my eyes it’s perfect. A femme paradise populated by sorority girls in nighties and armed with bags of sticky marshmallows.

The behind-the-scenes for this episode is very engaging and a really good watch, too – I’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing because that would be rude but you get to hear a little bit about how it came to be, Mariah Cherry and Maybelline’s concept behind the whole thing (‘We’re like U.N Ambassadors of nasty sexuality’); you basically get to listen to two artists talk about their work and their process and it’s fucking beautiful. A*.

 

Episode 106 – Joan & Vai

This episode made me wonder why I’ve never used a ball of wool as a ball gag. I mean, aside from the fact that I don’t knit and have no use for a ball of wool, it seems pretty ideal – it certainly muffled Vai’s adorable shrieks during this scene. Look at that blindfold, too! Where do you even get a blindfold like that? It’s like it was made for me.

This scene features a lot of cute props – a slingshot, a toy hammer, the wool gag – it’s kind of like if two grown up scouts got lost in the forest and found a comfy cottage with a camera convieniently pointed at the bed. There’s a lot of butt stuff, some strap-on goodness, impact play and lovely loud noises from Vai, so if you’re sensitive to high pitched squeals and slaps you might want to turn your volume down a tad.

 

Episode 130 – rife & Vespur

This scene combines three of my favourite things – butt stuff, godly bone structure, and good lighting. Seriously, the lighting is this is gorgeous, soft and subtle and warm and gently illuminating up the sleek pair on the bed. Not that they’re gentle with each other, mind; there’s scrunched up faces and intense, deep thrusts, a sweaty sheen on everything and animalistic sounds I’m not accustomed to hearing in porn. It’s that very ‘I haven’t seen you in weeks, why did we go for drinks when I just want to go to bed with you?’ type of lust, the kind that simmers in your belly. Slow-burning and hot.

In addition to being totally enamoured with the, uh, fucking itself, I think I may have developed a weird crush on the two performers? For example, Vespur’s turn ons list is a sight to behold. A couple of the things they mention – rural kitchens, gay cowboys, penetration overwhelm, unexpected glamour, bondage in nature (this just reminds me that I need to frolic in some reeds with someone soon, heyyyyy), raw honey, reflective surfaces and soaking you in cum. Based on this and the way the light hits their butter-smooth cheekbones, I feel like we’d get along. rife is just as delightful, with ‘dyke cock, gender fuckery, leather, tattoos, & rope’ in his turn ons list and one of those ‘I’m so clever’ walks, all lean legs and hip. Ugh. Go watch it already; I need to cool off.

 

Episode 172 – The Boss starring Nina Hartley & Sara Vibes

If the promise of living legend Nina Hartley padding around an office (Raven Clawz Studios) in a pair of fluffy bunny slippers and a sheer, crotchless bodystocking doesn’t convince you to watch this then nothing will, frankly. In case you hadn’t guessed already, in this Crash Pad episode Sara Vibes acts as Nina’s devoted assistant in a genuinely believable boss/secretary-assistant-PA dynamic that brings happy tears to my eyes. And vagina.

It also features a lot of affectionate cuddle-heavy body worship, facesitting (I looooooove), the illustrious Hitachi, nitrile gloves, and Nina enthusiastically strapping on a bright red dildo by Vixen Creations. Nina’s voice is like silk, half loving mentor and half fearsome, paddle-wielding CEO, and Sara plays her role as the much-adored office angel as if she’s been doing it all her life. A definite must-watch, even if you don’t like porn with plot.

 

Episode 81 – 9, Chocolate Chip & Cinnamon

I was going to call this one a cuddle party but I think it’s more of a babe pile? I’m not 100% sure on what the difference is, exactly, but I know a babe pile when I see one and this is definitely a certified pile o’ babes.

There’s a lot of lovely lingerie to be admired in this scene, dildo blowies, a beauuuuuutiful shimmery teal dildo that I can’t identify, double nipple sucking, black gloves (I’ve developed a serious Thing for gloves after getting a CrashPad subscription) and someone half-moaning, ‘oh, you guys got lipstick all over me!’. It’s not something you ever skip through to get the ‘good bits’, watching the whole scene unfold is half the joy and at times it seems less like three seperate people and more like a writhing mass of soft limbs and mouths suspended on wrinkled sheets. Divine.

You can view all the performer’s profiles and a small preview clip of each episode over at Crash Pad Series, and to join click here! I highly, highly recommend it, and it’s a great way to support an indie company who truly cares about their work.

I’ve said it like a thousand times before, but I really love Crash Pad Series. I have cried while watching some Crash Pad scenes – because I see someone whose body looks like mine, because it’s so cute I can’t stand it, because it provokes some weird, visceral response in me where what I’m seeing is like a mirror of what goes down during some intense moments in my own sex life. So what better way to show my love (other than renewing my subscription, which I will be doing when it runs out soon) for Crash Pad than doing a top ten of my favourite episodes?

My favourite scenes normally reflect my favourite things, some of which are – mouth play, lots of skin on skin contact, spankings, stripper heels, caretaker dynamics, hair play, kissing, three fingers, butt stuff, mean femmes, bratty girls, pretty plugs, gags, oral sex for hours, sick/sweet setups (can we take a moment to close our eyes and remember the time Mariah Cherry & Maybelline made a scene that would not look out of place in any given John Waters movie? even Hairspray), furry cuties, latex gloves, and safe, identifiable sex toys. So if you like the sound of any/all of those, I highly, highly recommend you check out the following scenes. For the good of your genitals.

Episode 146: Siouxsie Q & Poppy Cox

I think, maybe, this might be my very favourite Crash Pad scene. It’s my go-to, as in, sometimes I watch it just because I love it so much – not because I want to get off, but just because I’m bored or I can’t decide what to watch next on Netflix or because I want to look at something cute and videos of baby deer just aren’t cutting it. It’s like a piece of performance art, I’m totally not exaggerating. Fucking theatre? Camp eroticism?

For 30 minutes, Siouxsie Q dons a red and white Verruca Salt dress to play the brattiest princess in all the land, whose daddy bought her a brand new dolly to play with – Poppy Cox, with an apron full of clothespins and the cutest mop of yellow hair I’ve ever seen. Features someone getting spanked with a jumbo sized multicoloured funfair lollipop, giggly kissing, hilarious facial expressions, lots of affectionate cuddles…aaaand glittery polka dot labia. She comes with ALL the good parts, does Poppy.

Episode 173: Lyric Seal and Joey Minx

When I saw this scene had gone live, I literally shrieked. Like, Lyric Seal! Joey Minx! Lipstick play! I’m gonna put this one down to having weird gender feelings about makeup and weird ‘uh oh I don’t think I’m meant to be feeling this’ feelings whenever I’d go to sleepovers as a gawky teenager and we’d give each other makeovers, but having someone put on my makeup really does it for me. It’s so intimate! Lipstick application as foreplay 5ever.

Aside from the sex, something I really like about this scene is that both performers are just so charming. Lyric is really fucking funny – their other scene with J-Bird is excellent – and Joey has this dreamy sly fox look that makes them look like they’re up to no good. Except when they are doing good, of course; like when they use the Hitachi on Lyric, or choke them with a silicone cock, or write their name in the offending lipstick on Lyric’s chest, interspersed with biting and kissing and licking.

Episode 145 – Sadie Lune & Lillianne Lane

Sadie Lune is like the sugar mama I wish I had. She’s that kind of strict, ‘I-love-you-but-I-know-what’s-best-for-you’ motherly, executes everything she does with surgical precision and wears this beautiful forest green dress with a drapey neckline paired with blue socks with strawberries printed on them – I can’t tell if I want to be her or sit on her lap or have her top me? All three?

There’s a definite caretaker/little girl vibe going on here; Lillianne’s a sugary sweet, desperate to please good girl – at several points she just replies with ‘whatever makes you happy’ to Sadie’s ‘what do you want?’ and you get to watch Sadie belly laugh and question her on that – ‘so if I were to leave, right now, just leave you hanging, you’d be happy?’. There’s a jewelled plug involved (can you tell that’s kind of my thing yet?), plenty of spankings, a Vixskin Maverick and screaming, shouting orgasms that’ll have your ears ringing.

Episode 160 – Daisy Ducati & Odile

A speculum! Jewelled plugs! Synchronised Hitachi-ing! This scene has everything. According to Odile’s character bio, they and Daisy are real-life lovers and this is definitely reflected in this scene as they seem to be almost eerily in tune with each other.

Daisy has these incredible knee high vinyl boots on for the first part of this episode, which leads us into some devoted heel licking, straight into strap-on fucking with an amazing harness that I’ve lusted after forever (here, look, it’s beautiful), a Crystal Delights plug, a steel plug with a clear crystal, speculum play – something that I’ve never seen used before, and if I was curious before then I’m raring to go now – and yes, synchronised Hitachi-ing while simultaneously using dildos. All while wearing latex gloves. Phew.

 Episode 134 – Kylie Liddell & Oliver Hyde

Omg omg omg omg omg guys, I love this scene. Kylie’s just so pretty, thoroughly angelic with curly blonde hair and roses in her cheeks, and Oliver’s like a shy, geeky Hufflepuff, complete with argyle socks held up by sock garters. SOCK GARTERS. Turns out that Kylie has a tongue sharper than the tips of my tweezers and Oliver’s a true masochist. Who knew?

Oliver gets his shit completely fucked up throughout this scene – stripey clothespins, a crop, a strapon, the ever-present Hitachi and a ballgag all get put to use, and there’s lots of breathplay and degrading, condescending dirty talk. The behind the scenes segment for this episode is really interesting too, and I recommend watching it – turns out that Oliver hasn’t put things in his pussy for three years, and this scene was shot a month before he had top surgery, so in Kylie’s words, they’re ‘thoroughly abusing, and appreciating them before they go’. It certainly worked out well.

Part two’ll be coming up shortly, and it’s been SO MUCH WORK to narrow down to just ten episodes out of 174 or so. So hard. So difficult, watching all that excellent porn, occasionally stopping to crack out the pure wand, my beloved Touch, and a pot of tea…pity party for one, anyone? In the meantime, I strongly suggest buying yourself a Crash Pad Series membership so you can debate the merits of your favourite scenes with me, and also support a really great cause and some brilliant people.