I’m having a clearout, and I’m kind of sad about it. Sad might not be the right word – nostalgic? Nostalgic. Getting a little bit misty-eyed over a box of paper, hard ABS plastic and tiny motors.

My first ever sex toy was a silver Rocks-Off 80mm and I loved that thing, I adored it, it was a tiny shiny revolution in my bedside drawer. I complained of my phone making ‘weird buzzing noises’ just in case anyone overheard the faint zzzzzz of my little bullet, but one day it rolled away and disappeared into the dust behind a radiator somewhere and I moved house again shortly after. As much as I loved it, I didn’t think to buy another one until about a year later, when I finally decided to buy myself a ‘proper’ sex toy and ordered a terrifyingly huge wobbly pink jelly rabbit with rotating beads, flapping ears and a smiley face on the underside of the head. I got that thing inside of me three times ever – the little bumps from the smiley face actually hurt me so much I went at them with a scalpel – and earlier this year I finally sent it off to Lovehoney’s rabbit amnesty.

However, the little black bullet I bought along with the rabbit was a loyal friend until it broke, and that’s when I started buying other things. I bought myself a Lelo Gigi when I was flush, but I didn’t know how to use it at the time so I – for shame – left it in its box and moved onto cheap plastic whatsits with buzzy vibrations, a couple of straight classic vibes that I was always a little underwhelmed with, a weird neon jelly dildo with two ends (to be fair, I bought that more as an experiment than anything else and returned that within three months, with a grand total of five uses), and then a girl I was seeing introduced me to her Feeldoe and her Bodywand and her Tantus Curve and that was that. I figured out how to use my Gigi! I read about how gross jelly was, during my camming stint someone bought me a fairy wand (rip bbgurl, you left us too soon – the wand, not the person who got me it), and I figured out what kind of vibrations I liked. My older toys became mediocre. Kind of impressive in the way of numbers but in terms of like, actually getting me off? Nah pal. Not a fuckin chance.

A really good example of me outgrowing a toy is my Micro Magic Wand, which I haven’t even had that long, but in the time I have had it the amount of other, better toys I’ve been using has just completely spoiled me. I used to love this little thing! I thought it was the bees knees – but then something happened, to me, or to it, and it lost its charm. The vibrations irritate me. They feel thin, or sometimes I just can’t feel them at all, and I’m no longer able to justify the high pitched whine it makes even on the lowest setting, and I’m realising now just how obnoxious those little grooves on the head and the delightfully bendy neck are to clean. But it’s so cute! It fits into the palm of my hand, look how little the control is! But we’ve grown apart, me and the micro wand, and I have to say bye-bye, and put it into the box of all the other toys that I’ve grown apart from, and take it to the post office and look the lady behind the counter straight in the eye and lie to her when she asks what’s in this huge, unwieldy box. ‘Unwanted gifts. Cosmetics. I sold a bunch of fridge magnets to a collector on ebay.’ It’s not you, it’s me. Except maybe it is you a little bit, you and your less-than-stellar deadened vibrations.

I’ve been steadily returning and throwing out things I no longer use throughout this year but this is the last box! After this my toybox and my lil suitcase with the lock on it and my Big Bag of Bondage Bits are all going to be clean and free of things that were previously just taking up space. I’m a sentimental person, textbook cancerian, I never chuck things out, this is a big thing for me, I’m going to need like, emotional support and a strong cup of tea before I take this lot to the post office. I’m glad I had them – I probably wouldn’t be quite as forgiving if I hadn’t bought them from the one retailer that does free refunds and returns, I will admit – but I won’t miss them. I might get myself another 80mm though. Just for old time’s sake.