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Review – Lelo Ina Wave

January 30, 2015 – 4:34 pm

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I’ve wanted an Ina 2 for YEARS. Rabbits aren’t usually my thing; there’s so many of them out there that it’s difficult to know where to start, they’ll inevitably die one day and I go off internal toys for months at a time so I’m reluctant to invest in them to begin with. But the Ina 2 leapt out at me whenever I’d do my routine sex shop trawl – I like a lot of pressure, jamming external vibes against my cunt with all the force of Mjölnir into the ground, so that clampy crab arm bodes very, very well for me. The fact that it comes in apple green and tangerine doesn’t hurt either.

Anyway.

The Ina Wave is kind of like the Ina 2’s cousin – I want to say ‘the new and improved version’ but I don’t have an Ina 2 so I can’t, and that’s a hacky thing to say anyway. It does everything the 2 does except this time it curls the shaft back and forth in a robotic ‘come hither’ motion, and the copy promises that it ‘Rises & Falls Like An Expert Lovers Fingers’ and will create a blended climax that ‘crashes over you’. Hm.

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Review – Lelo Mona 2

January 20, 2015 – 10:22 pm

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I feel like the Mona 2’s that one person everyone likes but me. Everyone’s like, ‘oh, but they’re so funny, and they have great taste in films, they’re a really good time!’ but they set me on edge every time I see them. I’ve tried to like them, I really have, but their annoying horsey laugh and overly physical tendencies are too much for me.

In real life, the Mona 2 is not an exceptionally irritating space invader with an unfortunate cackle, it’s a g-spot vibrator. A quiet, rechargeable g-spot vibrator made out of magical lint-repelling silicone with rumbly vibrations and a curvy swervy shape and oh my god it comes in red! – but still, I’m profoundly underwhelmed. I think I might be allergic to it.

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8 sex toy resolutions for 2015

January 9, 2015 – 9:44 pm

2014 was a good year for this blog. I finally acquired nearly every size of the Rosebud plugs, tried out enough ‘new and innovative’ products to last me a lifetime, was sent my favourite strapless dildo to date, and fell in love with a battery powered toy – the Mystic Wand. AND it’s only 9 days into 2015 and I’ve already had the Lelo Siri 2 (in wonderful grey!) and the Ina Wave (in beautiful turquoise!) land on my doorstop.

For 2015 I want to spend less time on toys I’m not completely sold on. No more ‘ehhh, guess I’ll keep this for comparison purposes’ or ‘maybe this could work for me if I hold it at this exact angle’ – I don’t have the space or the time for that, as my recent please take my stuff please please please PSA on twitter proved. I want to continue supporting smaller stores, too, and I have more plans for not-review posts.

I also have a list of toys I really, really want to try – sex toy resolutions, if you will, and seeing as everyone else is doing it I may as well put them in a post. New year, new start, you-don’t-get-if-you-don’t-ask, right?

Doxy Wand
doxyyellowI am plagued by these powerhouses. I tried to ignore them for as long as I could – it’s just another wand, how different could it be? – but at least five people I know have one, my twitter feed is routinely flooded with praise for them, and when I got to try one out recently I was completely smitten.

I know it’s a wildly impractical choice; I’m sensitive to loud noises and live in a shared house and the Doxy is about as subtle as a mechanised cheese grater but uuuuughhhhhhhhhh, god, I need one. Preferably white, because I already have a set of white earplugs to match it.

nJoy Pure Plugs – large, medium, and 2.0

Sooo…I don’t want to jinx things, but I’ll hopefully be getting one of these sometime soon-ish. I’m absolutely desperate to try the njoy pure plugs – I get more use out of my plug collection than I do any other kind of toy, and stainless steel beats silicone by a mile for me. I have high hopes for these, and I’m sure I’d have at least one already if I wasn’t so incredibly salty about the UK pricing.

L’amourose Vera & Rosa

Much like the Doxy, I tried to ignore these for as long as I could but the hype has finally worn me down. I’m not even that into internal vibes, but I feel like I need to try the Rosa just to have experienced it and the Vera is a cute little external vibe that looks promising. RIP my bank account.

Crystal Delights plug – literally any of them

Did I ever write about the time my ex bought me a Crystal Delights plug with a beautiful blue crystal in the base and it was the most perfect thing I’d ever put inside myself and then we had a really messy breakup and they took it back?

I’d very much like another one, preferably minus a hefty side of emotional pain this time.

Lelo Smart Wand large

This is one of those things where I get the distinct feeling that everyone but me has one. The promises of rumbly vibrations, broad stimulation and an easily-muffled purring noise are enough to send me into a tizzy, plus I’m a sucker for white and gold.

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Babes n Horny Rene

I’m so gutted I didn’t get to try any of Babes n Horny’s products last year! It’s completely my own fault as it just kept slipping my mind. Still though, I’m determined to try at least one thing from them this year, and I want that one thing to be this glorious Magritte inspired dildo, or one of their stripey plugs.

Je Joue Ami, Ami+, & Duo/Nuo

Je Joue is a brand I’ve neglected for the longest time; the Mimi’s super cute but I know it wouldn’t work for me and neither the Uma or G-Kii appeal. At some point last year I noticed that the Ami set contains a 106g ball and was instantly intrigued; I currently have the Lelo Luna Noir beads and feel like they’re neither the right shape for me (I usually wear them out of the holster) or heavy enough, so by the end of the year I definitely want to have tried both the Ami set and the Ami+. I’m up to the challenge! *flexes kegels*

Oh yeah, and the recently released Nuo & Duo are looking pretty good to me right now. Two remote control silicone wearables with remotes that look like expensive pens and an app? Yes please.

BS Atelier/BS is nice Naranja plug

If the Naranja plug is anything like the squishy, soft Capsula plug, I’m pretty sure I’ll love it. The Capsula was just a bit too thick and plain to really do it for me, but the lollipop/egg shape of the Naranja bodes well for me and my behind – I just wish it came in splits or stripes like the rest of their toys!

Other things I’m looking forward to in 2015 – literally anything Fun Factory come up with, Lovehoney further expanding their own line of toys, a hopeful wane to the Fifty Shades of Grey thing after it all reaches fever pitch with the film release, getting a new camera battery so I can take pictures with something other than my iphone, and another year of lusting over this totally unattainable Fornicouture Fragaria plug. It’s no fun if you get everything you want, after all.

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Review – Jimmyjane Form 3

December 23, 2014 – 4:36 pm

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The problem with the Jimmyjane Form 3 is that it’s a tease.

Initially I was pretty thrilled to be reviewing this. Despite having lusted after the Form 2 for literal years I’ve never seen a Jimmyjane toy in the flesh before, and the Form 3 has always struck me as interesting with the whole ‘give your fingers vibrating superpowers!!!’ thing. Add strong vibrations, a travel lock, and sleek design into the mix, and I was ready to be smitten.

The Form 3 gets it right on the aesthetics front. I like how it looks (even if it does come in ridiculously wasteful packaging); it reminds me of an expensive desk toy with the buttons shaped into an exclamation point and the flexible membrane at the top. Unfortunately, much like an expensive desk toy, the Form 3 seems to have no real purpose in life. It is a spectacular display of form over function.

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CrashPad Series review special: Put the Needle on the Record

December 17, 2014 – 9:32 pm

Put-the-Needle-on-the-Record-Andre-Shakti-Drew-DeVeaux

Put the Needle on the Record starts on a high note. Smoky giggles and a record player and four cuties lounging around – ah, it’s like it was made for baby stoner me.

Starring repeat CrashPad stars Ex, Nikki Darling, Drew Deveux – fun fact: her birthday’s November the 7th and oh god I really wanted to have this up on their birthday, noo00o – and Andre Shakti, it has a bloody good cast and, weirdly, an equally stellar soundtrack. Oh, and there’s a special guest who you’ll probably be able to guess the identity of if you’re at all familiar with CrashPad – I may have shouted ‘A-HA!’ when they came up on screen. It’s not Shine though, I did think it was going to be Shine like at the end of the Crash Pad Guide To Fisting but I guess you can’t have it all.

I’m really not someone who finds erotica or spoken-word hot – not even a little bit! Not even the teeniest, tiniest bit! Put the Needle on the Record isn’t exactly a nine minute long spoken word erotic poetry performance but it’s very much focused on narrative, both spoken and visual. It’s multi-layered – the record player humming along in the background, Ex casually describing the time they fucked the ‘hottest girl in school’, fleeting, uncomfortably loaded eye-contact, giggles and kisses, and the sounds of jean shorts unbuttoning.

PUT-the-NEEDLE-on-the-RECORD-Shine

Put the Needle on the Record blurs lines*. If I were going to be boring I’d say it’s not conventional porn, but like – can you even apply that to the queer porn genre? It also brings to light the fact that queer porn doesn’t need to be aggressively sexual, hardcore everything, intrinsically kinky, all squirting and flogging and strap-ons and latex gloves; in this case, it can someone being brought to orgasm while you see and hear nothing and everything all at once, hands hidden, mouths open.

Ultimately it’s up to CrashPad to define it, but IIIIII know what I think of it – it’s a hot, sticky, sweaty short film. It makes me fidget in my seat and puts a dirty great grin on my face. I want to get high and kiss my girlfriend’s neck after watching it, and like a great sex scene, it’s sexy and voyeuristic without making me feel uncomfortable, and I can just as easily switch to another Crash Pad episode after watching it as I can make myself a hot chocolate and stare at something on Netflix. I feel like it’s weird to describe porn as versatile, but I don’t know what else to call it. Except maybe massively enjoyable – that works too.

If you wanna watch Put the Needle on the Record you can snag yourself a CrashPad Series membership here! You can find my top ten favourite episodes posts here and here if you need a little guidance, but in the time I’ve been without a membership (it’s gonna be my Christmas present to myself, aw yeah) they’ve added a veritable smörgåsbord of new episodes. Enjoy!

* uh, not in the gross Robin Thicke way

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