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Outtakes & field notes

This is the kind of thing I should probably put on instagram – I have one now, go here! It has er, one picture so far – but I figured I’d post it here to start with because my blog can always use more not-review posts. I always have a little tiny bit of guilt about not being as fast as I should be with reviews*, so view this as a stop-gap of sorts – plus pretty pictures!

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I have a review of the Slow Drive coming up soooooon-ish; much like the Pearly it’s lounging around with it’s not my favourite but it does have a firm place in my toolbox/heart/delete as applicable. Look at that shimmery green! That perfect icepop lime is gone forever (probably) but you can snag yourself one of the limited edition purple haze Slow Drives or cross your fingers and pray to the dildo fairies for a slime green something in a grab bag order. You might even end up with something better.

I don’t want to talk about the colossal disappointment that is the iroha mini ever again. I will, however, point you in the direction of the squishy Sakura and the new Minamo, which looks promising if a little bland.

flurryThere will be no Tantus Flurry review, unfortunately; it didn’t work for me and I returned it for the princely sum of 8000 Lovehoney Oh points. Pretty though, no? The squishy O2 silicone is what dreams are made of (it’s MUCH squishier than the Cush) and it looks like a strawberry milkshake got stuck in a cock mould, but it’s more of an in-out in-out dick with the ridges that placed that high up. I usually don’t thrust with my toys, I jiggle and wiggle and tap on the base, but if you’re one of those boundlessly energetic people who ride theirs or you’re after a good thrusting/harnessable dildo it’s a great option.

RIP Flurry. I hope you’ve been ground down into a recycled cake mould for ethically concious mamas or something.

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Ella is small and streamlined and very, very pretty and shot into the depths of my heart (and the first three inches or so of my vagina) with all the force of a steam train. I snagged it when Lovehoney discontinued it – WHY, GOD – and I’m well and truly smitten. Review coming up soon-ish; I have the same hopeless love for the Ella that everyone and their mum seems to have for the Mona 2. They’re only £25 at Simply Pleasure right now, just an fyi…

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This is the DOMINIX heart slapper paddle I mentioned in my sleepover post here and I’ve been meaning to get around to doing a proper review for it for a while now but every time I go to take pictures of it a cat sits on it. I can’t blame them though, it’s a lovely little thing, light and made from smooth leather – slapper paddles have never really appealed to me because of the noise, but this is my favourite exception. It’s sleek, stingy, and has a cute little heart cutout that leave pretty pink marks behind. I look a bit like someone’s taken a large paintbrush and splattered my behind with watercolour afterwards. It’s easy to wield, although I wish the handle was more rounded, and it’s one of those things I feel happy recommending to anyone; unless of course, you’re vegan. It’s £18.99 at Lovehoney, and they do another rather fetching heart paddle here.

* Well, reviews for things I buy myself.

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Review – Fun Factory Share Vibe strapless strap-on

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True Life: My Dildo Nearly Turned Me Into A Kind-Of Sort-Of Bad Person.

I’m not kidding. I’m so infatuated with the ShareVibe that when I was offered one by a retailer a few days after I’d been sent this one I had to think twice about it. Would it be ethically iffy to accept it juuust so I could have a backup? Like, I could totally just neglect to mention that I’d already been sent one, right? That’s not lying, that’s…editing. Nobody would know! I could still review it for them!

Anyway. Of course I didn’t accept it because a) that would be horrible b) it wouldn’t be fair on the other needy vagina-havin’ people of this world and c) again, what on earth, that’s a horrible thing to do, I’m not Smaug, but I think that’s a fairly accurate representation of how much I like it and want it in my life forever. Consumed by greed: The ShareVibe story.

The ShareVibe is a brand spankin’ new strapless strap-on from Fun Factory, who already make a few in different sizes – xs, original, xl. It’s slightly different from the original Share in that it’s sleeker and less linear overall with no defined head or ridges on the bulb end, which I much prefer, and three colour choices – an eye-searing neon pink, dark purple or a peachy beige. To me the silicone feels slightly less ‘dry’ and draggy than the kind the original’s sculpted from but I don’t have one to hand to compare so take that with a pinch of salt. The silicone’s supple and bendy but with enough firmness that it doesn’t flip-flop all over the place like a soggy baguette, and the ‘revolutionary’ bullet compartment is tucked neatly away in the back.

Unfortunately, like nearly every Fun Factory product I’ve ever laid my greedy little hands on the ShareVibe attracts dust and lint like nothing else. If there is fuzz, it will find it. If there is pet fur, it will find it. If you leave it next to your comb for too long, it will fashion itself a dramatic cape out of all the hair on there when you’re not looking. Impromptu blowjobs are out of the question with this one – unless you’re in the bath/shower/aquatic environs of your choice.

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All time favourite Crash Pad Series episodes / pt two

I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for an unacceptable amount of time (I posted the first instalment in June, oops) because over summer I a) had a lot of technical difficulties, b) work! and c) I was really busy being the best sexy deviant nightmare bisexual from hell that I could ever dream of being. Sorry. But it’s all a-okay and I’m back again! Keep your eyes peeled for a review of a dildo shaped like Jesus in the next few days, because that’s something that I’m into now, followed by yet more reviews (I’m so excited!) and my first ever giveaway at the end of the month.

Anyway. Back to the porn – oh, the porn, there’s so much of it and it’s all so good and it was so hard – heh – choosing, I thought I’d have to do a top fifty or something because really, that is the only way I’d be able to cram in every single episode that makes my heart race especially hard. But I can’t do that. So here’s the other part of my top ten, and five more reasons why you should buy yourself a Crash Pad Series subscription.

 

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Episode 46 – Mariah Cherry Christmas Special & Maybelline

So you know how people have their go-to’s? Like, your go-to hot drink order or your go-to lube or your go-to outfit? This is my go-to porn episode. It has everything I like in it! It never gets old! And I maintain that this could easily be cut into any given John Waters film (Polyester, anyone? C’mon. HAIRSPRAY.) and you wouldn’t know that it was never supposed to be there, so in my eyes it’s perfect. A femme paradise populated by sorority girls in nighties and armed with bags of sticky marshmallows.

The behind-the-scenes for this episode is very engaging and a really good watch, too – I’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing because that would be rude but you get to hear a little bit about how it came to be, Mariah Cherry and Maybelline’s concept behind the whole thing (‘We’re like U.N Ambassadors of nasty sexuality’); you basically get to listen to two artists talk about their work and their process and it’s fucking beautiful. A*.

 

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Episode 106 – Joan & Vai

This episode made me wonder why I’ve never used a ball of wool as a ball gag. I mean, aside from the fact that I don’t knit and have no use for a ball of wool, it seems pretty ideal – it certainly muffled Vai’s adorable shrieks during this scene. Look at that blindfold, too! Where do you even get a blindfold like that? It’s like it was made for me.

This scene features a lot of cute props – a slingshot, a toy hammer, the wool gag – it’s kind of like if two grown up scouts got lost in the forest and found a comfy cottage with a camera convieniently pointed at the bed. There’s a lot of butt stuff, some strap-on goodness, impact play and lovely loud noises from Vai, so if you’re sensitive to high pitched squeals and slaps you might want to turn your volume down a tad.

 

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Episode 130 – rife & Vespur

This scene combines three of my favourite things – butt stuff, godly bone structure, and good lighting. Seriously, the lighting is this is gorgeous, soft and subtle and warm and gently illuminating up the sleek pair on the bed. Not that they’re gentle with each other, mind; there’s scrunched up faces and intense, deep thrusts, a sweaty sheen on everything and animalistic sounds I’m not accustomed to hearing in porn. It’s that very ‘I haven’t seen you in weeks, why did we go for drinks when I just want to go to bed with you?’ type of lust, the kind that simmers in your belly. Slow-burning and hot.

In addition to being totally enamoured with the, uh, fucking itself, I think I may have developed a weird crush on the two performers? For example, Vespur’s turn ons list is a sight to behold. A couple of the things they mention – rural kitchens, gay cowboys, penetration overwhelm, unexpected glamour, bondage in nature (this just reminds me that I need to frolic in some reeds with someone soon, heyyyyy), raw honey, reflective surfaces and soaking you in cum. Based on this and the way the light hits their butter-smooth cheekbones, I feel like we’d get along. rife is just as delightful, with ‘dyke cock, gender fuckery, leather, tattoos, & rope’ in his turn ons list and one of those ‘I’m so clever’ walks, all lean legs and hip. Ugh. Go watch it already; I need to cool off.

 

ninasaraEpisode 172 – The Boss starring Nina Hartley & Sara Vibes

If the promise of living legend Nina Hartley padding around an office (Raven Clawz Studios) in a pair of fluffy bunny slippers and a sheer, crotchless bodystocking doesn’t convince you to watch this then nothing will, frankly. In case you hadn’t guessed already, in this Crash Pad episode Sara Vibes acts as Nina’s devoted assistant in a genuinely believable boss/secretary-assistant-PA dynamic that brings happy tears to my eyes. And vagina.

It also features a lot of affectionate cuddle-heavy body worship, facesitting (I looooooove), the illustrious Hitachi, nitrile gloves, and Nina enthusiastically strapping on a bright red dildo by Vixen Creations. Nina’s voice is like silk, half loving mentor and half fearsome, paddle-wielding CEO, and Sara plays her role as the much-adored office angel as if she’s been doing it all her life. A definite must-watch, even if you don’t like porn with plot.

 

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Episode 81 – 9, Chocolate Chip & Cinnamon

I was going to call this one a cuddle party but I think it’s more of a babe pile? I’m not 100% sure on what the difference is, exactly, but I know a babe pile when I see one and this is definitely a certified pile o’ babes.

There’s a lot of lovely lingerie to be admired in this scene, dildo blowies, a beauuuuuutiful shimmery teal dildo that I can’t identify, double nipple sucking, black gloves (I’ve developed a serious Thing for gloves after getting a CrashPad subscription) and someone half-moaning, ‘oh, you guys got lipstick all over me!’. It’s not something you ever skip through to get the ‘good bits’, watching the whole scene unfold is half the joy and at times it seems less like three seperate people and more like a writhing mass of soft limbs and mouths suspended on wrinkled sheets. Divine.

You can view all the performer’s profiles and a small preview clip of each episode over at Crash Pad Series, and to join click here! I highly, highly recommend it, and it’s a great way to support an indie company who truly cares about their work.

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Tantus Twist plug review

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Jesus christ. How have I managed this? A month without an update on either of my orifices? Aw, christ, I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’ll all be very glad to hear that I’ve just reviewed the Tantus Twist, a silky-smooth chunk of silicone shaped like a screw/Mr Whippy hybrid.

…Except, er, it’s not actually here – it’s a guest post over on the lovely Teal’s blog, who was kind enough to gift it to me, and you should pop on over and read it while you wait for me to get my next post up. Which’ll actually be posted here. Promise.

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Review – Lelo Hula Beads

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I think I might be fundamentally missing the point of the Hula Beads.

I’ve never been one for ‘love eggs’. It’s such a married-with-2-kids-and-a-silver-car thing – ‘hubby controlled this egg while we were in Tesco! it was such a turn on! lol!’ and all the ones I’ve experienced so far have been noisy and ugly. The Hula Beads are neither of these things, but they still didn’t work out for me. I’m starting think that I should stick to Lelo’s regular line in future, because me and this Insignia line just aren’t getting along like we’re supposed to.

Even though purple’s my least favourite colour, I’ve got to admit that the Hula Beads are ridiculously gorgeous. I have the deep rose set, and it’s a vampy, rich fuchsia offset by gold accents. I’m a total sucker for Lelo’s silicone; satin-smooth, it feels almost velvety, barely picks up dust, and covers the rigid inner workings with a silky, waterproof shell. They feel reassuringly sleek and weighty, but are let down a little by the highlights, which are disappointingly just gold-painted plastic. C’mon, Lelo – surely the £120 price tag warrants actual metal and not spraypainted ABS?

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