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Review – Lelo Hula Beads

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I think I might be fundamentally missing the point of the Hula Beads.

I’ve never been one for ‘love eggs’. It’s such a married-with-2-kids-and-a-silver-car thing – ‘hubby controlled this egg while we were in Tesco! it was such a turn on! lol!’ and all the ones I’ve experienced so far have been noisy and ugly. The Hula Beads are neither of these things, but they still didn’t work out for me. I’m starting think that I should stick to Lelo’s regular line in future, because me and this Insignia line just aren’t getting along like we’re supposed to.

Even though purple’s my least favourite colour, I’ve got to admit that the Hula Beads are ridiculously gorgeous. I have the deep rose set, and it’s a vampy, rich fuchsia offset by gold accents. I’m a total sucker for Lelo’s silicone; satin-smooth, it feels almost velvety, barely picks up dust, and covers the rigid inner workings with a silky, waterproof shell. They feel reassuringly sleek and weighty, but are let down a little by the highlights, which are disappointingly just gold-painted plastic. C’mon, Lelo – surely the £120 price tag warrants actual metal and not spraypainted ABS?

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Review – SpareParts Hardwear Bella lingerie harness

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I think I might be allergic to traditional harnesses.

Like, I get it, I really do – they’re practical, and you can get bigger dicks in them. They don’t slip. Interchangeable O-rings! But they’re strappy and fiddly and I’m conflicted on my leather feelings and I hate g-strings and I don’t think I have enough of an ass to wear a jock style without feeling like Hank Hill and and and…no. Just no. Enter stage – the SpareParts Bella. The femmiest, most Partition video harness I’ve ever laid eyes on.

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Review – Nomi Tang Better Than Chocolate v2

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If the Nomi Tang Better Than Chocolate (version 2!) were a girl she’d wear bandage dresses and a lot of Kurt Geiger and have a city boyfriend. She’d have caramel hair, smell like vanilla and Miss Dior, make an effort to drink three litres of water a day and her favourite Naked palette would be the third one. She’d probably have a tattoo of an ampersand or a feather on her inner wrist. Someone well-adjusted and sleek and pretty and smart, someone that I can’t fault because the only things I don’t like are just up to personal preference.

The btc2’s shaped to fit against the human body, almost like a sleeker version of the Layaspot, and made from a buttery smooth pink or plum silicone. There’s a faint seam running around the sides, but I can only feel it with my thumb, and there’s a little tiny hole in the backside where you push in your charging jack. It’s USB rechargeable, waterproof up to a metre, and it also comes in cute packaging, for those of you who are into that. The manual actually asks to ‘please reuse the decorative box by storing nice things inside’. Aww.

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Review – njoy Pure Wand

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I am not the biggest fan of my vag.

I like other people’s. I like most vaginas – I think they’re great! They’re magical! They’re like flowers, or oysters! There’s a Georgia O’Keeffe print in the bathroom! But I have gender feelings about mine, big bad weird ugly gender feelings, and there’s no amount of ‘but look how pretty’ (validation via only ‘prettiness’ is not the way I want to go about anything in my life, but thanks) and ‘the human body is incredible’ (blech) that can make those go away.

But if anything’s going to make me happy that I have one, it’s the Pure Wand.

The njoy Pure Wand is a sleek curve of stainless steel that’s a pain in the butt to photograph and weighs in at a hefty 1.5lbs, or 680g – think a jar of golden syrup. It’s been carefully weighted and each end has a different circumference, the bigger bulb being 4.5 inches around and the smaller measuring 3.25 around. Completely smooth with a mirror shine – except for the njoy logo, which I think is in a brushed steel finish? – it’s a beautiful piece of work, and could probably do some serious damage if you were to drop it on your foot. Don’t do that.

STORYTIME – before I really begin, I feel like I kind of to have to mention squirting in some capacity* here as this has been touted time and time again as some kind of divining rod for prostates and g-spots alike. I don’t squirt. I’ve done it twice, hated it, and I have no interest in doing it again. This is a non-negotiable thing. I’m sure the Pure Wand is more than capable of making me squirt again, it definitely feels like it could – but I can’t help anyone with that. Sorry fronds.

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Review – Fun Factory Pearly deluxe mini vibe

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The Pearly (doesn’t it sound like a missing Pink Lady?) is part of Fun Factory’s line of mini vibes – fairly self explanatory, they’re a range of nine vibrators of diminutive shape and stature that happen to be ‘perfect for your handbag’. Y’know. Just in case you need a wank on your lunch break. This one happens to be a rabbit style, comes in two delicious colours: candy green* and grape, is rechargeable via a USB click-n-charge system, fully submersible and has a TRAVEL LOCK. Great, right?

Fun Factory’s controls are definitely my preferred kind – clacky buttons! A dedicated on/off button! Tons of functions! TRAVEL LOCK! Like, I’m not even a pattern person, I usually skip right through, but these are a little bit more imaginative than your average pulse-pulse-pulse, even featuring something called a ‘razzle dazzle’ sequence that feels exactly like it sounds – like a team of tiny jazz dancers tip-tapping their way around my vag in the best way possible. Never change, Fun Factory.

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