My first phallic dildo was a purchase I instantly regretted: a gelatinous, luminescent purple jelly monstrosity with an unforgiving rock hard surface and a frighteningly sculpted set of veins. Before that, I owned an original Lelo Gigi (which still works!) and a selection of garden variety pastel classic vibrators – an oversize strawberry ice cream pink one with ridges, a demure looking lilac thing that made so much noise that I was only able to use it maybe three times before returning it, and a curvy white and mint plastic vibrator that managed to be the wrong shape for basically everything. I seriously wish someone had just told me to buy an alex.
The Alex by bs atelier is 6 inches of gently curved silicone with a slim shaft measuring 3.5 inches around the base, widening to 4 and a half inches at the lovely bean-shaped tip. Bs’ silicone is one of my favourites: soft and supple, it has a satin-y finish, glides freely and can be squished and bent while still keeping that keen upward curve. It’s also available in a variety of vibrant colours, mine being the terracotta orange variant but also coming in paint splatter and heart print (heart eyes forevaaaaaaah).
The Miss Bi is a cute lil thing – short and squat with four inches of length (that’s it. like. it’s so short, I love it) and five inches of girth and looking a bit like an imac fucked a sea slug, it’s eminently adorable. It’s also the best dual stim toy I’ve ever tried. Remember way back when in my review of the Tiger G5 where I lamented that it didn’t quite knock the Ina Wave off the top spot? This one’s done it. I didn’t even need to wrangle my ankles behind my ears or anything! It just works.
I’m sure people are rolling their eyes right now and yeah, it doesn’t look like much of a showstopper – in fact, it looks like it shouldn’t work at all, and when Fun Factory sent me it I felt a little ‘oh no’ twinge in my ribcage. Oh god. Why is it wider at the base than the tip? Why is it so short? Fun Factory, what are you doing? Is this the beginning of the end? Needn’t have worried, though – the thing’s like a silicone love letter to my masochistic downstairs.
This review is a mini-review not because this toy is boring or underwhelming, but because it’s so inoffensive that reviewing it feels like a chore. I have wanted the Tente plug for a very, very long time and now it’s here and it’s just as good as I expected: a great, basic-ish plug. There’s literally nothing I feel uncertain about, no bizarre copy, no awkward media fanfare, no overblown claims or extravagant price point – it’s a good plug. It is a humble plug. I wish there was more BS in the world.
The silicone that BS use is one of my all-time favourites – it has a glossy, vibrant finish, attracts dust like the plague, and is delightfully pliable and soft while still retaining shape and definition. It feels exactly like a block of jelly, and while I don’t think BS Atelier make dual-density toys (in my dreaaaamssss) I’ve recommended their stuff before to people looking for something similar in firmness to Vixskin but with a lower price tag.
I’ve been leering at the Tente from a distance forever, basically, but owned the Capsula first – I had high hopes, but found that the neck was slightly too short and it felt clumsy inside me. The Tente suffers from this too, but it’s not so bad and can be easily overlooked because it’s slimmer and tapered, unlike the thick, pill-shaped Capsula. Speaking of it being slim, at four inches tall and four inches in girth the Tente is one of my smaller plugs and while the size is great for people who’d put themselves firmly in the ‘beginner’ category, I wish it were bigger; the silicone is so gentle that I think I could handle another inch or two or three without much difficulty – who knows? My asshole is magnanimous. It fears nothing but mediocrity.
The Tente is sort of what I’d imagine a silicone pure plug to feel like – non-intrusive, subtle, and working with my body. Some buttplugs make me acutely aware of their presence because of their size or shape or the media they’re made from and I still get that weird psychological thrill from them, but the Tente isn’t one of them. Instead it just chills out in my butt, not doing anything particularly interesting until I actually want it to; wearing it while I’m getting fucked or fucking myself (the round base is a little awkward but it’s not anything dick-wiltingly bad) or smushing vibrators against my clit, the base, wherever. It upgrades things that were already good to great.
I know this review is short, but I honestly can’t think of anything else to say: the Tente is functionally perfect and while I wish it were bigger, I don’t have a single complaint. It comes in pretty colours, it’s body-safe both in the sense that it’s made from some fantastic silicone (this is an icky jelly rubber free zone, in case you hadn’t noticed) and in the sense that there’s no risk of the whole shebang sliding up into your actual anal cavity courtesy of that big ol’ base, it’s well-proportioned and importantly, it feels good. Like, my main point here is it’s a plain good toy and if you have an asshole that likes stuff in it there’s a decent chance you might like the Tente, too. Have I driven that home yet? I hope so.
For a good few months now I’ve been fretting about travelling with sex toys. Criteria – I’m only taking hand luggage so it can’t be too big, it can’t be easily mistaken for a weapon (wahhh, sorry pure wand!), and ideally I want it to do EVERYTHING because I don’t want to take more than two smallish ones, except, uh, I like very few toys that try to do everything. My smart wand’s too big and expensive, my ina wave’s too finicky and expensive, my we-vibe touch doesn’t have a travel lock and like, I love tantus to death but a real, proper, actual dildo that looks like a dick isn’t something I want to take through an airport in my bag. I’m an anxious person and I’d just rather not.
Enter the Papillon by Idée du Désir, or one of my chosen travel companions: a glorious, curvy swervy chunk of wood containing a freewheeling steel ball. It’s been designed for simultaneous internal and external stimulation and I guess there’s nothing stopping you from using it as a butt toy, either, but we’ll get to that later.
The Papillon comes in two sizes, but neither of these apply to the insertable portion, which measures a hair under five inches in girth for either size option – instead, you get to choose how long the handle/external stimulator is. This is pretty great and everything except that they come in s & m, the small being 2 inches long (and apparently for people under 1.7 m) and the medium 2.5 inches long, for people above 1.7m*. I mean. Okay. Like, I’ve seen a lot of vaginas and I realllllly don’t think there’s any correlation to vagina size/shape/proportion and to how long the rest of someone’s body is. Anyway, you can’t not choose so I went for the medium – not because it corresponds with my height, but because I’d rather have something overshoot my clit slightly than sit under it.
Remember last month when I was all enthused and rosy-cheeked about my job? Hahahahahahahahhaahahahahaha. Anyway, because I grossly underestimated how much time it takes me to write a post + pictures + all the other stuff, the blog was pretty lacklustre during July and in all honestly it’s probably going to stay like that through this month too. I was doing so well and here I am now, fobbing you off with damp fruit and flowers! Typical.
Having said that, I’ve queued up reviews of the Kinky Monkey holographic harness, the bs atelier Alex and maaaybe some not-review posts. I also ordered the Vixen Gee Whizzard from Shevibe like an hour ago (a princely $22 for uk shipping, which really isn’t too bad) and I’m already verrrry excited – expect me to forget about it until I become suddenly indignant in three weeks time after receiving a customs fee.