crash pad series queer porn

CrashPad Series review special: Put the Needle on the Record

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Put the Needle on the Record starts on a high note. Smoky giggles and a record player and four cuties lounging around – ah, it’s like it was made for baby stoner me.

Starring repeat CrashPad stars Ex, Nikki Darling, Drew Deveux – fun fact: her birthday’s November the 7th and oh god I really wanted to have this up on their birthday, noo00o – and Andre Shakti, it has a bloody good cast and, weirdly, an equally stellar soundtrack. Oh, and there’s a special guest who you’ll probably be able to guess the identity of if you’re at all familiar with CrashPad – I may have shouted ‘A-HA!’ when they came up on screen. It’s not Shine though, I did think it was going to be Shine like at the end of the Crash Pad Guide To Fisting but I guess you can’t have it all.

I’m really not someone who finds erotica or spoken-word hot – not even a little bit! Not even the teeniest, tiniest bit! Put the Needle on the Record isn’t exactly a nine minute long spoken word erotic poetry performance but it’s very much focused on narrative, both spoken and visual. It’s multi-layered – the record player humming along in the background, Ex casually describing the time they fucked the ‘hottest girl in school’, fleeting, uncomfortably loaded eye-contact, giggles and kisses, and the sounds of jean shorts unbuttoning.

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Put the Needle on the Record blurs lines*. If I were going to be boring I’d say it’s not conventional porn, but like – can you even apply that to the queer porn genre? It also brings to light the fact that queer porn doesn’t need to be aggressively sexual, hardcore everything, intrinsically kinky, all squirting and flogging and strap-ons and latex gloves; in this case, it can someone being brought to orgasm while you see and hear nothing and everything all at once, hands hidden, mouths open.

Ultimately it’s up to CrashPad to define it, but IIIIII know what I think of it – it’s a hot, sticky, sweaty short film. It makes me fidget in my seat and puts a dirty great grin on my face. I want to get high and kiss my girlfriend’s neck after watching it, and like a great sex scene, it’s sexy and voyeuristic without making me feel uncomfortable, and I can just as easily switch to another Crash Pad episode after watching it as I can make myself a hot chocolate and stare at something on Netflix. I feel like it’s weird to describe porn as versatile, but I don’t know what else to call it. Except maybe massively enjoyable – that works too.

If you wanna watch Put the Needle on the Record you can snag yourself a CrashPad Series membership here! You can find my top ten favourite episodes posts here and here if you need a little guidance, but in the time I’ve been without a membership (it’s gonna be my Christmas present to myself, aw yeah) they’ve added a veritable smörgåsbord of new episodes. Enjoy!

* uh, not in the gross Robin Thicke way

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Have yourself a merry little xxxmas – 10 festive stocking-stuffers for under £30

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First I was going to do a Christmas gift guide. And then I was going to do a best of list. And then I was going to combine them, and then I said ‘fuck it, no’, and I got a few emails last month (and the month before and before that, all year really), people asking about decent toys that aren’t the price of the ones I usually review. And I felt gross and sad because I haven’t reviewed much that’s been on the cheaper side this year and that’s not what I’m about, so think of this as an apology all packaged up in snowman-print wrapping paper.

Anyway. That’s how this post was born. 10 gifts from £2.90 to £28.99, sexy things that do actually work while still being (relatively) affordable and hopefully able to fit a variety of bodies and preferences. Merry xxxmas!

1/ Lovehoney Silencer bullet -£24.99 at Lovehoney / currently £20 until midnight Saturday the 13th

I’m gonna use the phrase everyone hates – ‘ideal for beginners’. Sorry. This one ticks allll the boxes though – affordable and frequently on offer, it has a travel lock (!!!), it’s usb rechargeable, it’s not going to fall apart in your hands, and the vibrations are pretty decent to boot…

While it’s definitely not my favourite bullet, I’m super happy the Lovehoney Silencer exists; the vibrations are on the soft and rumbly side as opposed to the high pitched, buzzy vibrations their older rechargeables produced, and I’d call it a budget-friendly alternative to the Lelo Mia. Not for people who need seriously powerful vibrations to get off, but fantastic if you’re in the market for a high quality, inexpensive bullet.

2/ Lovehoney curved silicone dildo with suction cup£19.99 at Lovehoney

Lovehoney have recently stepped their game up regarding their own-brand line of toys, and this dildo is by far my favourite thing to come out of it – I’m so happy guys!! I would’ve looooved to have something like this around as a broke baby queer; it’s made from butter smooth silicone with just a little bit of flex, a perky curve, a suction cup base, and a bullet compartment, and for £7 more you can upgrade and get the version that comes with a harness if that’s your thing. Oh, and the Tango fits snugly in the bullet hole. There is literally nothing wrong with this dildo, I swear.

3/ Lelo Ella – £25 at Simply Pleasure

I had a crush on a girl called Ella once. She had a cloud of curly hair, a loud witchy cackle and I kind of hated myself for being as smitten as I was with her long, skinny fingers and killer eyebrows that looked like they’d been drawn on with an architect’s scale. Unlike the real-life version though, the Lelo Ella has never caused me any emotional distress – just sweet, sweet g-spot lovin’.

Bonus points for fancy packaging, too – while I’m very much enamoured with the other gifts on this list, the Ella actually looks like it was made for giving with its sleek black box and storage bag. Shoutout to Lelo’s packaging designer for making things look more expensive than they actually are!

4/ Fun Factory Jam£17.95 at Simply Pleasure

Very much aimed at first-timers, this squishy, textured little vibrator is everything I wanted the iroha mini to be – something slightly different to your standard plastic bullet while still being body-safe, travel friendly and under twenty quid.

Coming in a neon coral or navy blue and measuring 5 inches long, the Fun Factory Jam’s a chunky little bullet with the potential to be used as a small insertable vibe – textuuuuure! – and while the vibrations are a standard one speed aa-battery growl, the plush silicone sets it apart from other vibes in the same price range. I definitely underestimated this lil cutie.

5/ Tantus Slow Drive - £28.95 at sextoysuk

The Slow Drive legit makes me happy to look at. It’s so cute! Look at it! Sadly the colour pictured above isn’t available anymore, but you can get yourself five inches of happy dildo goodness in glossy black instead. Just think of it as a very chirpy goth.

The Slow Drive is slightly different from standard dildos in that it has a teardrop-shaped base that makes keeping it the right way up much, much easier, and it works exceptionally well for harness stuff – slow, shallow strokes. It’s a good little all-rounder is the Slow Drive, especially if you like your toys on the petite size.
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6/ Heart of glass/Crystal heart/Sailor Moon glass dildo£28.99 at Lovehoney

I have a special fondness for this dildo; it was my second ever glass one, my first ever review and it’s the most adorable sex toy I own. Ideal for someone who likes sickly-sweet cute shit, glitter, magical girls and pastel bondage gear, it’s on the slim side with some subtle texture, good for both butt and vag stuff, comes with a funny little storage stand and won’t break the bank. Get an iroha sakura and blush loveheart plug to complete the Holy Trinity of twisted cute!

7/ Custom cuffs from oldgrumbler - £11 – ?

It might be a little late to order these if you want them in time for Christmas, but still worth keeping in mind if you’ve got a fusspot to buy for. Oldgrumbler makes and sells a variety of beautiful leather goods – collars, cuffs, and impact play tools – in his etsy shop, and after ordering a custom pair of cuffs from him in summer I’m already planning out my next order.

The wrist cuffs pictured above came to a grand total of £21 (including shipping from Latvia to the UK) and they’re absolutely fucking perfect. The only thing I would say is I think they’re unlined by default, so ask him about lining options if you think that’ll be too harsh on your skin, and if you’re sensitive to smoke smells I’d give them a miss. These two points are positives for me, but I’m aware not everyone else is as keen.

8/ A river of lube from Luckybloke£2.90 (one sample and shipping) – ?

I know lube doesn’t seem like the most touching Christmas gift in the world, but hear me out on this one – first of all, I think a hand-selected bumper pack of lube is pretty romantic, like, hey babe, I know you’re sensitive to glycerin so I got us all of these to try out? And if you like trying new kinds of lube and/or condoms but can’t afford to spend £££ on new bottles that you might not even like, you need to go to Lucky bloke and load up on samples. They stock tons of stuff you can’t get over here in the UK, plus they ship for free overseas if you spend over $24 (it’s $2.99 if not).

They’ve kind of changed my life. All I have to do now is hope and pray that they start selling those lubes in the bear bottles.

9/ Christmas pudding nipple pasties£5.99 at Lovehoney

I’m not going to try and convince you to buy these because I really don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want campy, sequinned, sparkly Christmas pudding-themed nips this festive season. Are you familiar with the concept of fun? Have you had your humour chip installed yet?

10/ Crashpad Series Membership$22, $32 0r $37 per 30 days

It should come as no surprise that I’m recommending Crash Pad – I end all my reviews of their glorious porn with a plea for anyone reading to go and buy themselves a membership, and for good reason – they make excellent porn, plus they’re really patient with how slow I am with my reviews. Sorry guys. They’re constantly redefining boundaries (very evident in their new film Put the Needle on the Record – go watch it) and in general just being really cool and exciting and all kinds of hot at the same time. What more could you ask for?

I also feel kind of mean for not including them in the cover image – I didn’t have anything physical to include! I am filled with regret for not pasting in a tiny Shine Louise Houston at the bottom of the picture.

And finally, in the hopes of preventing you guys from surviving on brown rice/cup-a-soups until the end of January thanks to this wonderful consumerist holiday and all the subsequent blasted gift guides like this one, here’s a couple of offers from Lovehoney to help sweeten the deal.

 

butt stuff guide queen of my world steel

Julian Snelling Rosebuds size guide – small, large & XL princess plugs

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I intended this to be a short update originally. Thanks to this post, I get a lot of emails about the Julian Snelling/Rosebuds princess plugs – are they worth it, what’s the sizing like, can I not just get one off amazon – and as I finally got myself an XL from Bedroom Bondage and with Christmas coming up in a matter of weeks, I thought I’d do a little size/shopping guide. And then I started browsing the website and apparently I can talk about fancy expensive buttplugs for a really, really long time and I made a table and uh, it’s all spiralled a bit out of control.

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See? I wasn’t kidding.

Small
small1The small is tiny. Itty-bitty and suitable for the shyest of butts, it’s literally pocket size at just over two inches in length and with a bulbous tip that measures three inches around at the widest point, it almost resembles a very shiny acorn. It is to date the cutest thing thing I’ve ever put in my butt and requires very little warmup – lube and a gentle finger – but it’s not without pitfalls, as the base is soooo small and cute it’s entirely possible that it could get pushed inside during vigorous penetration, and the stem feels slightly too short for it to be truly comfortable.

The steel version’s weighty at 90g (the aluminium’s feather-light in comparison at 30g) but it still doesn’t quite provide that fuller feeling I like from a plug – sadly, mine’s been neglected in favour of the next size up, the large. Also, thanks to the diminutive size, I managed to lose mine for three months before I found it under my bed.*

Verdict? Great for those who are very new to or nervous about butt stuff, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself wanting to size up in future.

Large

lgmedThere is no ‘medium’ princess plug in the Rosebuds line; we jump from small to large to XL and finally to XXL, with a stop at large II (the large size but with a t-bar base) on the way. I’ve mentally replaced the ‘large’ title with ‘medium’ and it’s nearly always the size I recommend to people wondering whether to get the small or step up, unless you’re absolutely dead set on the smaller one. These are my holy grail plugs; pretty, expensive, and not entirely practical, we’re kindred spirits. I love them, and if I had the cash I’d buy one for who everyone who asked.

The large feels more balanced than the small – with four inches of girth and three inches of length, the stem doesn’t feel weirdly short, the base is bigger, and the weight of the steel version does fun stuff to my g-spot in certain positions. It just fits. It feels right, and the smooth surface slides in easily than you’d expect it to – the lack of give is something to consider, but I prefer metal plugs to silicone at this point. I like the large size better for wearing during penetration too, but unfortunately for those with plush booties it’s worth bearing in mind that the larger circular bases have a tendency to dig in, especially if you intend on keeping them in for longer periods of time. For extended wear I’d take a look at the large II, which has a t-bar base with a small gemstone or crystal embedded into it.

Verdict? Fantastic all-rounder, although the circular bases aren’t really suitable for long-term wear. Requires more warm up than the small.

XL

xl1The XL Rosebuds plug is large and in charge, chunky yet funky. It requires more warm-up than I’d like, but at five inches in girth that’s to be expected and the aluminium is far easier to deal with than a silicone plug of a similar size would be – I’ve gone off silicone butt toys recently and I think being spoiled by steel and aluminium is the reason why. Perhaps I should try glass? The base isn’t great for extended wear as it’s much wider than the one on the large, although most of the pleasure for me comes from lying with my hips in the air with it in; it somehow feels good without actually having to do anything with it. Witchcraft!

Removal is a little awkward. I love the lollipop-esque shape but taking it requires almost as much work as putting it in – go slowly, don’t rush. With the small it kind of ‘pops’ out but this one’s a bit of a process, and like with all larger toys, I’ve found that an oil-based lube works better for me than a water-based.

Verdict? I’m hesitant to label this as only for people who like larger butt gear as it’s surprisingly manageable, but I don’t think I’d recommend it to people who haven’t tried metal toys before. Almost perfect.

So! As far as steel vs aluminium goes, I don’t outright prefer one metal over the other although if you forced me to pick I’d probably choose steel; the aluminium plugs are cheaper, lighter, and more responsive to temperature changes, but I like the extra weight, the steel ones do fun things to my g-spot, and there’s more variety with the beautiful/ridiculous luxe line. And the XXL line. And the t-bar line.

roundsnakeEssentially, there’s more choice in the steel line and that means more pretty things for me to pine over –  the luxe line even boasts an XXL size with hidden secret compartment for hiding your emergency beuh/cash/snacks in which is basically everything I never knew I wanted. In addition to being super cool it also happens to be 349€, so if there are any sugar benefactors out there who want to buy a genderless cloud with big eyes and a hopeful butt an anally located liquor cabinet, feel free to hit me up. I kid! Kind of.

Wondering where to buy a princess plug? You can snag yourself a Julian Snelling Rosebud plug at the following retailers –

Bedroom Bondage. I got my XL from here and it was a lovely experience. Noëlle is an absolute angel, and she stocks small, large, XL and XXL sizes in both aluminium and steel in every colourway that Rosebuds offer, and the luxe rose version! Delivery is quick and discreet and shipping fees are very reasonable; I’d highly recommend her, especially if you want to support an indie business.

Directly from Rosebuds. I’ve ordered from them twice now and each time it’s been wonderful – delivery is discreet, fast, and 9,50€ to the UK, and obviously they have the most variety.

Lovehoney. I got my large steel and large aluminium plugs from them, but unfortunately their selection is somewhat sparse – they stock the small, large, XL, large II and horsetail plugs but in very limited colours. Nary a volcano or aurora borealis to be found. You can also purchase a few luxe plugs and jewellery from their sister site, Coco de Mer.

* I would just like to take this moment to remind you that only god can judge me.

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Review – Blush novelties naughty & naughtier candy heart plugs

kfkfkfI don’t share aesthetic preferences with my partners. Dream babe likes low tables, enough houseplants to ensure that there is a distinct trace of green and damp soil under the regular house smell; vanilla perfume, smoke, fog seeping in from outside. A balcony, high ceilings. An ever-present bowl of sticky dates on the kitchen countertop. Post arranged in a neat stack. A select few pictures neatly mounted on the walls – mounted, not blu-tacked or hanging haphazardly from a blue ribbon, secured with novelty bulldog clips.

Until six months ago I had no less than four strings of half-working fairy lights looped across the top of my mirror. I think I might be allergic to order – I blutack anything and everything to the walls, there are half-finished pieces of work propped up everywhere, I wake up surrounded by pillows, cushions and two hideous knitted blankets and my houseplants aren’t the glossy, elegant versions my girlfriend favours, they’re hopelessly overgrown and spilling green fronds over my bookcase, my desk, hanging from the ceiling. I aspire to a home that looks like a cross between John Waters’s house and Nick Cave’s womb room with a touch of absurdly wealthy cat lady.

So when I got these plugs from blush in the post, I was overjoyed and she was repulsed. I sent her a picture and she texted back a simple ‘NO’. Well, then.

Despite what dream babe might think of them, they’re the stuff of my daydreams, cute and campy and silly – I feel like I should be starring in some blurry, rose-hued vintage porno when I’m holding them.

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You get the idea.

Both the Naughty & Naughtier Candy Heart plugs (could we not have a shorter title, maybe?) are made of firm, buttery silicone and come in two sizes with three colour options – small and large, and yellow, pink, and purple, each with a different message cut into the base. The small naughty candy heart plug clocks in at 5 inches in girth at the widest point, with 4 inches of insertable length, and the naughtier candy heart plug is considerably larger at 6 inches in girth and 4.5 inches of insertable length.

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The big bad belated blogiversary bonanza (alt title: not another sex toy giveaway)

lilheartSo. My blog technically had its birthday way back at the start of the month, but because I’m poorly organised I’m celebrating it now with a giveaway! I don’t want to get creepy or overly sappy but it’s been really cool – although I’ve done some monumentally stupid shit, like choosing to go self-hosted on Christmas eve and still not using a proper camera. On the other hand, I’ve made friends with some lovely people from around the world, seriously debated getting a tattoo of my favourite sex toy (I’m still thinking about this actually), put some weird stuff inside me, put some great stuff inside me, got to answer questions from people who decided I was the person to go to for help – god knows why, but it’s flattering – and generally had a pretty fantastic time.

On to the fun stuff – thanks to some incredible companies, I’ve been able to put this together and give away some things I really love to you guys. Thankyou Tantus, Lovehoney, and Fun Factory!

This giveaway is open worldwide with restrictions, so please make sure to read everything and only enter things you’re eligible for! Also, as I’m posting all of this lot myself it’d be really cool if people could make a concious effort to click on my banners/links and buy through those.

 

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A violet Fun Factory ShareVibe; I reviewed this here about two weeks ago and it’s the best strapless strap-on I’ve ever tried – even the bullet that comes with it is pretty great. I am well and truly enamoured and if I had my way everyone would have a perky purple appendage to play with.

A pair of RodeoH PKG shorts in black, these are the shortie version of the PKG briefs I reviewed a while back now. They’re snug, secure and supportive enough for most mid-size dicks, slightly more high-waisted than the briefs and comfy enough to wear under your clothes for all your stealthy sexy needs. They’re a size 30-32 but the nice people at Lovehoney have assured me that it can be sorted if you’re not that size, so if you’re not a 30-32 but you are a size Lovehoney stock then feel free to enter!

Aaaand a large Julian Snelling stainless steel Rosebud plug with a super-sparkly clear crystal. This is my favourite buttplug ever and somehow I haven’t got around to reviewing it properly yet, but I’m borderline fanatical about everything I have from Rosebuds (they’re vastly superior to the cheap knockoffs, I have a post on this sitting in my drafts) and so, so, so happy to be able to give a favourite like this away. I know the ‘large’ might scare people off but it’s more of a medium if anything, and just…perfect, really. Shiny and smooth and delightfully weighty.

Huge, huge, huge thankyou to Lovehoney for sending me these to give away! The RodeoH can be sent worldwide but the Rosebud and ShareVibe are EU only due to their weight, unless you can chip in a little for shipping – in which case put your entry in, and if you decide to do this I’ll contact you at the end of the giveaway.

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The lovely people at Fun Factory were kind enough to send me one of each of their new silicone SmartVibe vibrator line – Jam, Jazzie, and Joupie, in blue, black, and red, respectively. I’m kind of jealous; I have a Jam travelling to me but the other two look interesting too…maybe I’ll treat myself to them if I get through this giveaway without my brain dissolving and dribbling onto the floor like so many strawberry slushpuppies.

These are open worldwide – if you’re in the UK I can send you the batteries as well but if you’re outside of the UK I won’t be able to. Sorry!

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And finally, some kink bits! There’s something for everyone in here, I think.

10m of hemp rope from Lovehoney’s bondage boutique line – I think this was my second ever rope purchase? It’s delightfully bitey so maybe not for people who are very sensitive or who prefer sleeker ropes. I prefer using this for restraints purposes as opposed to making harnesses and things with.

A pair of the meanest metal nipple sticks from the Dominix line. These look fairly innocuous but they’re so intense I’ve had to pass my pair on to a friend who likes nipple torture because they’re too much for me most of the time, going from a gentle pressure to a sharp, hot pinch. Fun fact: they’re especially ouch-y if you hold a wand vibrator to them.

My much-beloved heart cutout slapper paddle from the Dominix line! This is made from smooth leather, leaves lovely splashy pink marks and is as cute or as cruel as you want it to be.

And a Tantus Pelt paddle. This is my favourite spanking implement in the world and the absolute angels over at Tantus were sweet enough to send me one to give away to a lucky somebody. Made from a thick slice of matte black silicone, it has a lot of bend, a lot of slap and a lot of sting, is responsible for countless giant purple bruises and satisfies even the most needy of thud sluts. Someone’s going to get one. I’m so excited.

Lots of thankyous to Lovehoney and Tantus, and all of these are open worldwide! Hooray.

Obligatory T&C buzzkills: If winners don’t respond within 48 hrs I’ll draw a new one, if one of your entries is found to be invalid then all your entries will be forfeited, so don’t do that, and while I’ll try my hardest to make sure that everything gets to the winner safely, I’m unable to replace any lost/damaged packages or cover any potential customs charges upon arrival in your country. 

And…you can enter below. Play nice. 

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