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etc guide

My sleepover toolkit: basics edition

I love sleepovers. Sexy kind, non-sexy kind, whatever, I don’t care! I’ll quite happily sleep on the floor under a musty holey blanket if I get to watch films and stuff my face with peach gummies and do sleepover activities, like plaiting other people’s hair, or painting each other’s nails, or playing a game of spin the bottle that eventually devolves into an orgy. For sexy sleepovers, I generally take a little toolkit with me; a small box or makeup bag with some essentials in it. There’s no expectation, but it’s useful more often than not and even if your plans fall through you can always race your vibrators. What’s not to like?




A. Condoms! I’m cheap and luckily don’t have a latex sensitivity, so I just carry around the ones you get given at NHS walk-in clinics over here. I normally opt for the flavoured kind cause I’m fancy, although they all taste fairly awful. One size fits most and you can also do a quick slit ‘n’ snip to make a dental dam. #glamlyf

B. Give Pleasure came up with the genius idea of 10ml Lubeshots – aqua is around £1 a shot, while silicone+ is slightly more pricey – that are PERFECT for sleepovers. While convenient, single serve portions can get messy; you know when you only need half the amount and then you have to find a place to put your oozy lube tube and you go back for it for round two and it’s glopped all over your petit bonbon’s most treasured record sleeve/t-shirt/tchotchke? If you’re a mucky pup like me, Give also make pocket-sized 30ml mini tubes of their aqua and silicone+ that retail for around £4-6. You’re welcome.

C. Yes oil-based lube is my current favourite lubricant. As someone who used coconut oil as lube for a long, long time, this is pretty much like that, but it feels more…luxurious? and I prefer the texture of Yes to the texture of raw coconut oil. It’s amaaaazing for butt stuff and comes in a teeny weeny 25ml bottle that’s smaller than a lighter. And it’s flat enough to tuck into your bra/socks for seriously stealthy sex missions. And it works well as a lip & nail treatment. However, like all oil-based lubes, it’s incompatible with latex condoms.

Honourable mentionSliquid Silk Organics is ideal for piv sex due to the uncannily ‘natural’ feeling texture and I almost never need to reapply, but the bottle’s rotund, a bit bulky, and takes up too much room in my everyday bag. Sorry babe. See you in the deluxe edition.



A. The Iroha Yuki might be the least ergonomic of the three, but it’s especially reassuring in it’s gentle puffy squishiness, packs a surprising punch for something that looks like an adorable little cloud, plus it’s made of a magical material that doesn’t attract dust like at all, although I still wouldn’t forego slipping it into a storage bag. The charger, however, is anything but travel friendly, and I’m unsure about the porosity of the Iroha line, which is why both my Irohas are considerably less well-travelled than my Mia 2.

B. The Mia 2 is the lightest, quietest, and most inconspicuous of the three, plus it has a travel lock, so no matter how eventful your journey might be (especially lurch-y tube journeys, night buses, a gropey makeout session) it’s not going to go off and cause you massive amounts of embarrassment in the thirty seconds it takes to find the offending vibrating object, struggle to switch it off, and mutter ‘god, my phone’, all the total disbelief of your fellow passengers. All of whom can totally see your phone right there in your pocket. You can’t even get signal. You’re literally under ground. I find the vibrations more than powerful enough, but I’m no power queen either.

C. The We-Vibe Touch is my favourite and the most intense, and the best shape for keeping in place during penetration but it doesn’t have a travel lock. Although it’s much less susceptible to going off at random than the Tango – I have tested this! – the silicone on the original version attracts a frankly unacceptable amount of fluff; there really is nothing that says ‘I am a highly sexually evolved person’ quite like pulling out a fuzz encrusted silicone appendage. Take a wet wipe. 

Honourable mention: The We-Vibe Tango. It’s small, versatile and beloved by pretty much everyone, but the push-button base makes it too volatile to take with me even if I roll it in layers of socks and force it into a storage bag. Put a travel lock on it and then we’ll talk.



A. The Dominix cutout paddle from Lovehoney is short and light enough to tuck down the side of my bag, delivers a pleasant sting but isn’t frightening – I love my Pelt paddle but I would not want to use that on a beginner – and is best suited for general hijinks, playful swattings, and playing the ‘let’s see how many hearts I can put on you’ game.

B. The Tantus Meteorite. My little space cadet. It’s had a cameo in three different reviews now, but hasn’t had the spotlight all to itself just yet. The Meteorite’s easy to travel with, it’s slightly thicker than two fingers, delightfully flexible, and is pretty much the ideal warm-up toy. Plus the rocket lolly colours have never failed to elicit at least an ‘oh, pretty!’.

C. Sportsheets black beginner cuffs. Granted, they’re not the cutest cuffs in the world and you won’t be able to do any swinging from the ceiling style suspension play with them, but they’re vegan, you can pop them in the wash after you’re done, I don’t feel like I’m going to wriggle out of them, and they’re reeeaaallllyyy adjustable; they comfortably fit both my skinny fop wrists and my dude-things big bony ones. Not bad for a tenner.

D. Super femme nipple clamps. I don’t remember who makes these (they were labelled as ‘bitchy butterflies’, I know that much) and I wish I did because they are SO MEAN AND I LOVE THEM. They’re covered in shimmery baby pink paint with tacky iridescent butterflies dangling on matching pink chains, have uncoated jaws, are highly adjustable, and bite like hell if you let them. They’re like the Courtney Shayne of nipple clamps. They are ridiculous.

Honourable mention: Julian Snelling large aluminium plug. It’s gorgeous, lightweight, and my perfect size and shape but I just don’t trust other people with it enough. It’s too pretty. It’s not happening.

minipakSo! That’s it. I can fit most combinations of the items listed into a small makeup bag or container. It also turns out that the boxes the Tenga irohas come in are actually ideal for this kind of thing; in the one pictured above I’ve got condoms, nipple clamps, Sportsheets cuffs, a mini Give Lube and the Mia 2 with room for another small vibe or plug – just pop a plaster or masking tape on the top to shut it as stickytape can tear the cardboard and you’ll have to cut it open.

I’m going to write another post on travelling with sex toys (ROLL EVERYTHING UP IN SOCKS), plus a big bad deluxe edition of this post, but until then I hope you all have lovely healthy sexually-and-emotionally-fulfilling sleepovers. And if you’re living with your partner/s I hope that every day is like a wonderful sleepover for you! Except for when you don’t want it to be like a sleepover and you do actually have to talk about Bills and Adult Grown Up Things. And if anyone else has a little sleepover kit, I wanna see yours!

etc guide

Totally not a Valentine’s day gift guide

I don’t really go in for Valentine’s day. One year someone went and handpicked me a bunch of flowers (they were probably from someone’s front garden, honestly) but forgot about my hayfever and I spent the rest of the day trying to look pretty while sneezing, last year I got blackout drunk with a girl I was seeing and we had so much sex that I went into this nightmarish Naked Lunch-esque delirium brought on by too many orgasms and 50p shots that tasted almost exactly like lighter fluid. In the morning there was a neatly beheaded dildo chilling out in the bathroom sink and she told me I sounded like ‘one of those real exorcism videos’.

Also, it’s a horrible capitalist heteropatriarchial ‘holiday’ that makes otherwise nice people either insufferably smug about how great their v-day is going (‘Oh, he bought me thiiiiis, and thiiiiis, oh I’m so lucky, did you not get-? oh. OH and thiiiiiis’) or about how much they hate v-day (‘I’m on a date with netflix. you know saint valentine was EXECUTED right? it’s a FESTIVAL OF DEATH, basically’). Everyone does some variation of this. Literally everyone. Nobody cares.

This isn’t really a gift guide, it’s more of a ‘what I’d want to put in a window display’ or ‘here are a bunch of sex toys that still fit in with your cutesy valentine’s theme but aren’t flappy lil bunny kiss vibes’. Also, there’s a ton of sales going on right now – it’d be silly not to, right? Right…



Pink things! Pink is like, the official colour of the honeymoon period. It’s the colour of rose quartz, and fluffy summer sunrise clouds, and candyfloss, and turkish delight. Newborn baby mice. The inside of your mouth. And there are so many exciting hues to choose from – except actually not really at all, as you can see here, because for some reason the sex toy industry seems to only want to make toys in baby-blanket pink and that heinous middle of the road fuchsia. I want to see some dusty rosy pinks! Strawberry ice cream pink, complete with sprinkle effect! Coral pink! Fuchsia isn’t romantic!

L-R – Sqweel Go, looking like an aquatic behemoth and available at Lovehoney for £39.99/Tantus Cush, in pink, blue, or icy lilac, $76.99/Fun Factory Amorino – I really don’t care how big of a gimmick this thing is with its weird little cupid’s bow, I want it – available at Lovehoney for £54.99/Vixskin Mustang in neon pink, tie-bright or a variety of flesh tones, $99 at Shevibe or £79.99 at Lovehoney/Crystal Heart wavy glass dildo, £28.99 at Lovehoney. Header is the Lovehoney flash 6 function rechargeable bullet, £24.99



Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrred. If it’s red, all you have to do is stick a heart-shaped sticker on the packaging and it’s good for V-day. Red is a fiery, sexy colour, it’s the colour of red rose petals and red wine and an especially well spanked bum and strawberries (are aphrodisiacs a real thing?) and if you’re my old print tutor, it’s the colour that clouded her vision when she came home one fateful February 14th and found her husband canoodling on her antique chaise lounge with one of her students. True story! She liked to talk about that a lot.

L-R – BSisnice Olga in the special heart edition, 130€/Icicles no. 32, £36.99 at Lovehoney/Lelo Mona 2, purple or red, £88.99 at Lovehoney/Bondage Boutique heart shaped crop, red or black, £14.99 at Lovehoney/Julian Snelling rosebud plug (small), 59€. Header is the Rocks Off RO-80mm bullet in red, £9.99



Sex toys and spanking paddles with hearts-n-flowers doodads are some of my favourite things. I love anything kitschy and weird and nauseatingly cute and in the case of a paddle, if it promises to leave a heart shaped bruise I will be ON THAT. Also, a rose buttplug is the perfect thing to express my love for both buttplay and gardening at the same time.

Clockwise from top left – DOMINIX leather slapper paddle, £18.99 at Lovehoney/OhMiBod Flex silicone kegel excercisers – £32.99 at Lovehoney, $45 at Good Vibrations/Sh Wirly Girly 2 silicone dildo, £31/Julian Snelling large bronze rose plug, 99€/Crystal Delights kitty medallion glass plug, $94.95/Heart beat wooden paddle by EgoDriven @ Etsy, $15.99+. Header is either a rogue sea cucumber or the Shag Factory flower power bullet, £7.99

I hope you all have lovely V-days with plentiful orgasms, minimal crying and no allergic reactions!