Monthly Archives: January 2014

lelo pink queen of my world vibrator

Lelo Mia 2 review (or, we rly need a Lelo x MAC collab)

mia2The Mia 2 was very kindly sent to me by Barbara Kelly.

The Mia is soooooo pretty. In fact, it’s soooooo pretty that I thought about setting up one of those ridiculous photos for it, where you have a beautiful buttery-soft leather handbag lying on its side, with a brand new lipstick spilling out next to a nail polish in a corresponding colour, then something totally irrational, like a fresh flower or a pearl necklace, and in the middle of it all, your luxxxury clit vibe, inexplicably without a storage bag and somehow completely intact and free from cat hair/lint/general dirt. Who keeps a £15 lipstick knocking around in the bottom of their bag anyway? I don’t care how well groomed or neat you are, if you keep doing that one day you’ll stick your hand in there to feel around for your wallet or something and come out with the tips of your fingers covered in Creme d’Nude or Ruby Woo or whatever it is that floats your fancy lipstick boat. I like Morange, personally. Why don’t I live in a world where I can match my sex toys to my mouth?*

 

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harnesses lingerie reviews

RodeoH PKG briefs review

butts1I don’t do low rise anything. I don’t think I’ve worn any jeans, trousers, skirts or underwear that don’t come up to fasten by my bellybutton since I was what, thirteen maybe? My hips are practically circular and measure 40″ around – 13″ bigger than my waist – I have no butt to speak of, and long legs in comparison to my body. High waisted everything is just so much easier, so much more flattering on me. I normally wear a UK size 12 or 14 on my bottom half depending on the cut and the fabric of the item, and on how many late night meetings I’ve been having with the fridge recently. A lot of the time I get that weird gap at the waistline and still end up pinning them in. So, y’know, I always assumed that RodeoH’s kind of…weren’t for me. All the people I know who own a pair have much slimmer hips than me, and I don’t think I’ve seen more than maybe three individuals who look like they’re over a UK size 10 in their little photo-ad thing on their website. Hm. It’s not exactly unexpected, but still. HMMM.

 

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lube reviews

Sliquid Organics Natural Lubricant Review

slq1Wanna know something mildly horrifying? When I first started buying sex toys, I didn’t use lube. Lube costs money, and I produce my own lube, right? Who even needs lube! It’s a scam!

Yeah. No. Unfortunately this guided misadventure didn’t end as quickly as it should have, because the one time I did have lube generously applied to my vulva (a flavoured Durex variety) it gave me The Yeast Infection From Hell and I declared all lubricants unsafe for my body and studiously avoided the ‘essentials’ section of any sex toy website I visited. It could’ve been worse – I wasn’t into insertable toys for the longest time and was mainly using things for clit stim, where I actually prefer not to be dripping in lube. Still though. When I brought my Gigi out of her early retirement, she came with a bonus tube of Lelo lube and Lelo sachets – which I now have approx. 10 billion of knocking around – and hey, might as well try it. It was a revelation of biblical proportions, I’m talking like, tidal waves of realisation.

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dildo multi queen of my world reviews silicone

Vixskin Mustang Tie-Bright Review – Hello, I Love You

The Mustang by Vixen Creations is my first ever ‘realistic’ – super gross phrasing, by the way, like a dick is only a ‘real’ dick if it looks a certain way – dildo and I luuuuuuv it. It’s soft and squishy and bendy and it absorbs body heat and uh, it had this kind of amazing slightly apple-y smell when I took it out of the clear tube it came in. It’s not too long (this is important, because I have a short vag) and not too thick (also very important), harness compatible, it sticks to my bathroom wall, it’s butt-safe, and it’s NEON TIE-DYE. I could vixprobably end this review right here.

Biodick-lookin dildos gross me out, I’m not gonna lie. They veer into uncanny valley territory for me personally, and while I’m all about the concept of having several disembodied dicks adorning your furniture like you’re living in some kind of seventies Hammer Horror maneating ladies-and-succubi-only cave, the reality just doesn’t appeal. The veins are either too delicate and thread-like and reminiscent of a recently skinned chicken, or too chunky and cartoonish. The heads are creepy and nearly always circumcised – my male partner is the only circumcised dude I’ve ever slept with and I still sometimes get confused! Balls frankly frighten me and the weird approximations of ‘flesh’ tones that you generally get make my skin crawl, usually either a sickly pale salmon or a generic orangey tan. But this. This is TIE-DYE. The colour scheme and the supersoft, super forgiving silicone puts a lovely blanket over all the things I hate about biodick-dildos and makes them more than tolerable. I now actively like all of these features. See? I could’ve said ‘flaws’ there, and I didn’t.

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