I’ve said it like a thousand times before, but I really love Crash Pad Series. I have cried while watching some Crash Pad scenes – because I see someone whose body looks like mine, because it’s so cute I can’t stand it, because it provokes some weird, visceral response in me where what I’m seeing is like a mirror of what goes down during some intense moments in my own sex life. So what better way to show my love (other than renewing my subscription, which I will be doing when it runs out soon) for Crash Pad than doing a top ten of my favourite episodes?

My favourite scenes normally reflect my favourite things, some of which are – mouth play, lots of skin on skin contact, spankings, stripper heels, caretaker dynamics, hair play, kissing, three fingers, butt stuff, mean femmes, bratty girls, pretty plugs, gags, oral sex for hours, sick/sweet setups (can we take a moment to close our eyes and remember the time Mariah Cherry & Maybelline made a scene that would not look out of place in any given John Waters movie? even Hairspray), furry cuties, latex gloves, and safe, identifiable sex toys. So if you like the sound of any/all of those, I highly, highly recommend you check out the following scenes. For the good of your genitals.

Episode 146: Siouxsie Q & Poppy Cox

I think, maybe, this might be my very favourite Crash Pad scene. It’s my go-to, as in, sometimes I watch it just because I love it so much – not because I want to get off, but just because I’m bored or I can’t decide what to watch next on Netflix or because I want to look at something cute and videos of baby deer just aren’t cutting it. It’s like a piece of performance art, I’m totally not exaggerating. Fucking theatre? Camp eroticism?

For 30 minutes, Siouxsie Q dons a red and white Verruca Salt dress to play the brattiest princess in all the land, whose daddy bought her a brand new dolly to play with – Poppy Cox, with an apron full of clothespins and the cutest mop of yellow hair I’ve ever seen. Features someone getting spanked with a jumbo sized multicoloured funfair lollipop, giggly kissing, hilarious facial expressions, lots of affectionate cuddles…aaaand glittery polka dot labia. She comes with ALL the good parts, does Poppy.

Episode 173: Lyric Seal and Joey Minx

When I saw this scene had gone live, I literally shrieked. Like, Lyric Seal! Joey Minx! Lipstick play! I’m gonna put this one down to having weird gender feelings about makeup and weird ‘uh oh I don’t think I’m meant to be feeling this’ feelings whenever I’d go to sleepovers as a gawky teenager and we’d give each other makeovers, but having someone put on my makeup really does it for me. It’s so intimate! Lipstick application as foreplay 5ever.

Aside from the sex, something I really like about this scene is that both performers are just so charming. Lyric is really fucking funny – their other scene with J-Bird is excellent – and Joey has this dreamy sly fox look that makes them look like they’re up to no good. Except when they are doing good, of course; like when they use the Hitachi on Lyric, or choke them with a silicone cock, or write their name in the offending lipstick on Lyric’s chest, interspersed with biting and kissing and licking.

Episode 145 – Sadie Lune & Lillianne Lane

Sadie Lune is like the sugar mama I wish I had. She’s that kind of strict, ‘I-love-you-but-I-know-what’s-best-for-you’ motherly, executes everything she does with surgical precision and wears this beautiful forest green dress with a drapey neckline paired with blue socks with strawberries printed on them – I can’t tell if I want to be her or sit on her lap or have her top me? All three?

There’s a definite caretaker/little girl vibe going on here; Lillianne’s a sugary sweet, desperate to please good girl – at several points she just replies with ‘whatever makes you happy’ to Sadie’s ‘what do you want?’ and you get to watch Sadie belly laugh and question her on that – ‘so if I were to leave, right now, just leave you hanging, you’d be happy?’. There’s a jewelled plug involved (can you tell that’s kind of my thing yet?), plenty of spankings, a Vixskin Maverick and screaming, shouting orgasms that’ll have your ears ringing.

Episode 160 – Daisy Ducati & Odile

A speculum! Jewelled plugs! Synchronised Hitachi-ing! This scene has everything. According to Odile’s character bio, they and Daisy are real-life lovers and this is definitely reflected in this scene as they seem to be almost eerily in tune with each other.

Daisy has these incredible knee high vinyl boots on for the first part of this episode, which leads us into some devoted heel licking, straight into strap-on fucking with an amazing harness that I’ve lusted after forever (here, look, it’s beautiful), a Crystal Delights plug, a steel plug with a clear crystal, speculum play – something that I’ve never seen used before, and if I was curious before then I’m raring to go now – and yes, synchronised Hitachi-ing while simultaneously using dildos. All while wearing latex gloves. Phew.

 Episode 134 – Kylie Liddell & Oliver Hyde

Omg omg omg omg omg guys, I love this scene. Kylie’s just so pretty, thoroughly angelic with curly blonde hair and roses in her cheeks, and Oliver’s like a shy, geeky Hufflepuff, complete with argyle socks held up by sock garters. SOCK GARTERS. Turns out that Kylie has a tongue sharper than the tips of my tweezers and Oliver’s a true masochist. Who knew?

Oliver gets his shit completely fucked up throughout this scene – stripey clothespins, a crop, a strapon, the ever-present Hitachi and a ballgag all get put to use, and there’s lots of breathplay and degrading, condescending dirty talk. The behind the scenes segment for this episode is really interesting too, and I recommend watching it – turns out that Oliver hasn’t put things in his pussy for three years, and this scene was shot a month before he had top surgery, so in Kylie’s words, they’re ‘thoroughly abusing, and appreciating them before they go’. It certainly worked out well.

Part two’ll be coming up shortly, and it’s been SO MUCH WORK to narrow down to just ten episodes out of 174 or so. So hard. So difficult, watching all that excellent porn, occasionally stopping to crack out the pure wand, my beloved Touch, and a pot of tea…pity party for one, anyone? In the meantime, I strongly suggest buying yourself a Crash Pad Series membership so you can debate the merits of your favourite scenes with me, and also support a really great cause and some brilliant people.