The big bad belated blogiversary bonanza (alt title: not another sex toy giveaway)

lilheartSo. My blog technically had its birthday way back at the start of the month, but because I’m poorly organised I’m celebrating it now with a giveaway! I don’t want to get creepy or overly sappy but it’s been really cool – although I’ve done some monumentally stupid shit, like choosing to go self-hosted on Christmas eve and still not using a proper camera. On the other hand, I’ve made friends with some lovely people from around the world, seriously debated getting a tattoo of my favourite sex toy (I’m still thinking about this actually), put some weird stuff inside me, put some great stuff inside me, got to answer questions from people who decided I was the person to go to for help – god knows why, but it’s flattering – and generally had a pretty fantastic time.

On to the fun stuff – thanks to some incredible companies, I’ve been able to put this together and give away some things I really love to you guys. Thankyou Tantus, Lovehoney, and Fun Factory!

This giveaway is open worldwide with restrictions, so please make sure to read everything and only enter things you’re eligible for! Also, as I’m posting all of this lot myself it’d be really cool if people could make a concious effort to click on my banners/links and buy through those.



A violet Fun Factory ShareVibe; I reviewed this here about two weeks ago and it’s the best strapless strap-on I’ve ever tried – even the bullet that comes with it is pretty great. I am well and truly enamoured and if I had my way everyone would have a perky purple appendage to play with.

A pair of RodeoH PKG shorts in black, these are the shortie version of the PKG briefs I reviewed a while back now. They’re snug, secure and supportive enough for most mid-size dicks, slightly more high-waisted than the briefs and comfy enough to wear under your clothes for all your stealthy sexy needs. They’re a size 30-32 but the nice people at Lovehoney have assured me that it can be sorted if you’re not that size, so if you’re not a 30-32 but you are a size Lovehoney stock then feel free to enter!

Aaaand a large Julian Snelling stainless steel Rosebud plug with a super-sparkly clear crystal. This is my favourite buttplug ever and somehow I haven’t got around to reviewing it properly yet, but I’m borderline fanatical about everything I have from Rosebuds (they’re vastly superior to the cheap knockoffs, I have a post on this sitting in my drafts) and so, so, so happy to be able to give a favourite like this away. I know the ‘large’ might scare people off but it’s more of a medium if anything, and just…perfect, really. Shiny and smooth and delightfully weighty.

Huge, huge, huge thankyou to Lovehoney for sending me these to give away! The RodeoH can be sent worldwide but the Rosebud and ShareVibe are EU only due to their weight, unless you can chip in a little for shipping – in which case put your entry in, and if you decide to do this I’ll contact you at the end of the giveaway.


The lovely people at Fun Factory were kind enough to send me one of each of their new silicone SmartVibe vibrator line – Jam, Jazzie, and Joupie, in blue, black, and red, respectively. I’m kind of jealous; I have a Jam travelling to me but the other two look interesting too…maybe I’ll treat myself to them if I get through this giveaway without my brain dissolving and dribbling onto the floor like so many strawberry slushpuppies.

These are open worldwide – if you’re in the UK I can send you the batteries as well but if you’re outside of the UK I won’t be able to. Sorry!


And finally, some kink bits! There’s something for everyone in here, I think.

10m of hemp rope from Lovehoney’s bondage boutique line – I think this was my second ever rope purchase? It’s delightfully bitey so maybe not for people who are very sensitive or who prefer sleeker ropes. I prefer using this for restraints purposes as opposed to making harnesses and things with.

A pair of the meanest metal nipple sticks from the Dominix line. These look fairly innocuous but they’re so intense I’ve had to pass my pair on to a friend who likes nipple torture because they’re too much for me most of the time, going from a gentle pressure to a sharp, hot pinch. Fun fact: they’re especially ouch-y if you hold a wand vibrator to them.

My much-beloved heart cutout slapper paddle from the Dominix line! This is made from smooth leather, leaves lovely splashy pink marks and is as cute or as cruel as you want it to be.

And a Tantus Pelt paddle. This is my favourite spanking implement in the world and the absolute angels over at Tantus were sweet enough to send me one to give away to a lucky somebody. Made from a thick slice of matte black silicone, it has a lot of bend, a lot of slap and a lot of sting, is responsible for countless giant purple bruises and satisfies even the most needy of thud sluts. Someone’s going to get one. I’m so excited.

Lots of thankyous to Lovehoney and Tantus, and all of these are open worldwide! Hooray.

Obligatory T&C buzzkills: If winners don’t respond within 48 hrs I’ll draw a new one, if one of your entries is found to be invalid then all your entries will be forfeited, so don’t do that, and while I’ll try my hardest to make sure that everything gets to the winner safely, I’m unable to replace any lost/damaged packages or cover any potential customs charges upon arrival in your country. 

And…you can enter below. Play nice. 

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Outtakes & field notes

This is the kind of thing I should probably put on instagram – I have one now, go here! It has er, one picture so far – but I figured I’d post it here to start with because my blog can always use more not-review posts. I always have a little tiny bit of guilt about not being as fast as I should be with reviews*, so view this as a stop-gap of sorts – plus pretty pictures!

mm    menage2
I have a review of the Slow Drive coming up soooooon-ish; much like the Pearly it’s lounging around with it’s not my favourite but it does have a firm place in my toolbox/heart/delete as applicable. Look at that shimmery green! That perfect icepop lime is gone forever (probably) but you can snag yourself one of the limited edition purple haze Slow Drives or cross your fingers and pray to the dildo fairies for a slime green something in a grab bag order. You might even end up with something better.

I don’t want to talk about the colossal disappointment that is the iroha mini ever again. I will, however, point you in the direction of the squishy Sakura and the new Minamo, which looks promising if a little bland.

flurryThere will be no Tantus Flurry review, unfortunately; it didn’t work for me and I returned it for the princely sum of 8000 Lovehoney Oh points. Pretty though, no? The squishy O2 silicone is what dreams are made of (it’s MUCH squishier than the Cush) and it looks like a strawberry milkshake got stuck in a cock mould, but it’s more of an in-out in-out dick with the ridges that placed that high up. I usually don’t thrust with my toys, I jiggle and wiggle and tap on the base, but if you’re one of those boundlessly energetic people who ride theirs or you’re after a good thrusting/harnessable dildo it’s a great option.

RIP Flurry. I hope you’ve been ground down into a recycled cake mould for ethically concious mamas or something.

el ell
Ella is small and streamlined and very, very pretty and shot into the depths of my heart (and the first three inches or so of my vagina) with all the force of a steam train. I snagged it when Lovehoney discontinued it – WHY, GOD – and I’m well and truly smitten. Review coming up soon-ish; I have the same hopeless love for the Ella that everyone and their mum seems to have for the Mona 2. They’re only £25 at Simply Pleasure right now, just an fyi…

pad   paddle

This is the DOMINIX heart slapper paddle I mentioned in my sleepover post here and I’ve been meaning to get around to doing a proper review for it for a while now but every time I go to take pictures of it a cat sits on it. I can’t blame them though, it’s a lovely little thing, light and made from smooth leather – slapper paddles have never really appealed to me because of the noise, but this is my favourite exception. It’s sleek, stingy, and has a cute little heart cutout that leave pretty pink marks behind. I look a bit like someone’s taken a large paintbrush and splattered my behind with watercolour afterwards. It’s easy to wield, although I wish the handle was more rounded, and it’s one of those things I feel happy recommending to anyone; unless of course, you’re vegan. It’s £18.99 at Lovehoney, and they do another rather fetching heart paddle here.

* Well, reviews for things I buy myself.

Review – Fun Factory ShareVibe strapless strap-on



The Fun Factory ShareVibe is a brand spankin’ new strapless strap-on from Fun Factory, who already make a few in different sizes. It’s slightly different from the original Share in that it’s sleeker and less linear overall with no defined head or ridges on the bulb end, which I much prefer, and three colour choices – an eye-searing neon pink, dark purple or a peachy beige.

To me the silicone feels slightly less ‘dry’ and draggy than the kind the original’s sculpted from but I don’t have one to hand to compare so take that with a pinch of salt. The silicone’s supple and bendy but with enough firmness that it doesn’t flip-flop all over the place like a soggy baguette, and the ‘revolutionary’ bullet compartment is tucked neatly away in the back.

Unfortunately, like nearly every Fun Factory product I’ve ever laid my greedy little hands on the ShareVibe attracts dust and lint like nothing else. If there is fuzz, it will find it. If there is pet fur, it will find it. If you leave it next to your comb for too long, it will fashion itself a dramatic cape out of all the hair on there when you’re not looking. Impromptu blowjobs are out of the question with this one – unless you’re in the bath/shower/aquatic environs of your choice.

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All time favourite Crash Pad Series episodes / pt two

I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for an unacceptable amount of time (I posted the first instalment in June, oops) because over summer I a) had a lot of technical difficulties, b) work! and c) I was really busy being the best sexy deviant nightmare bisexual from hell that I could ever dream of being. Sorry. But it’s all a-okay and I’m back again! Keep your eyes peeled for a review of a dildo shaped like Jesus in the next few days, because that’s something that I’m into now, followed by yet more reviews (I’m so excited!) and my first ever giveaway at the end of the month.

Anyway. Back to the porn – oh, the porn, there’s so much of it and it’s all so good and it was so hard – heh – choosing, I thought I’d have to do a top fifty or something because really, that is the only way I’d be able to cram in every single episode that makes my heart race especially hard. But I can’t do that. So here’s the other part of my top ten, and five more reasons why you should buy yourself a Crash Pad Series subscription.



Episode 46 – Mariah Cherry Christmas Special & Maybelline

So you know how people have their go-to’s? Like, your go-to hot drink order or your go-to lube or your go-to outfit? This is my go-to porn episode. It has everything I like in it! It never gets old! And I maintain that this could easily be cut into any given John Waters film (Polyester, anyone? C’mon. HAIRSPRAY.) and you wouldn’t know that it was never supposed to be there, so in my eyes it’s perfect. A femme paradise populated by sorority girls in nighties and armed with bags of sticky marshmallows.

The behind-the-scenes for this episode is very engaging and a really good watch, too – I’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing because that would be rude but you get to hear a little bit about how it came to be, Mariah Cherry and Maybelline’s concept behind the whole thing (‘We’re like U.N Ambassadors of nasty sexuality’); you basically get to listen to two artists talk about their work and their process and it’s fucking beautiful. A*.



Episode 106 – Joan & Vai

This episode made me wonder why I’ve never used a ball of wool as a ball gag. I mean, aside from the fact that I don’t knit and have no use for a ball of wool, it seems pretty ideal – it certainly muffled Vai’s adorable shrieks during this scene. Look at that blindfold, too! Where do you even get a blindfold like that? It’s like it was made for me.

This scene features a lot of cute props – a slingshot, a toy hammer, the wool gag – it’s kind of like if two grown up scouts got lost in the forest and found a comfy cottage with a camera convieniently pointed at the bed. There’s a lot of butt stuff, some strap-on goodness, impact play and lovely loud noises from Vai, so if you’re sensitive to high pitched squeals and slaps you might want to turn your volume down a tad.



Episode 130 – rife & Vespur

This scene combines three of my favourite things – butt stuff, godly bone structure, and good lighting. Seriously, the lighting is this is gorgeous, soft and subtle and warm and gently illuminating up the sleek pair on the bed. Not that they’re gentle with each other, mind; there’s scrunched up faces and intense, deep thrusts, a sweaty sheen on everything and animalistic sounds I’m not accustomed to hearing in porn. It’s that very ‘I haven’t seen you in weeks, why did we go for drinks when I just want to go to bed with you?’ type of lust, the kind that simmers in your belly. Slow-burning and hot.

In addition to being totally enamoured with the, uh, fucking itself, I think I may have developed a weird crush on the two performers? For example, Vespur’s turn ons list is a sight to behold. A couple of the things they mention – rural kitchens, gay cowboys, penetration overwhelm, unexpected glamour, bondage in nature (this just reminds me that I need to frolic in some reeds with someone soon, heyyyyy), raw honey, reflective surfaces and soaking you in cum. Based on this and the way the light hits their butter-smooth cheekbones, I feel like we’d get along. rife is just as delightful, with ‘dyke cock, gender fuckery, leather, tattoos, & rope’ in his turn ons list and one of those ‘I’m so clever’ walks, all lean legs and hip. Ugh. Go watch it already; I need to cool off.


ninasaraEpisode 172 – The Boss starring Nina Hartley & Sara Vibes

If the promise of living legend Nina Hartley padding around an office (Raven Clawz Studios) in a pair of fluffy bunny slippers and a sheer, crotchless bodystocking doesn’t convince you to watch this then nothing will, frankly. In case you hadn’t guessed already, in this Crash Pad episode Sara Vibes acts as Nina’s devoted assistant in a genuinely believable boss/secretary-assistant-PA dynamic that brings happy tears to my eyes. And vagina.

It also features a lot of affectionate cuddle-heavy body worship, facesitting (I looooooove), the illustrious Hitachi, nitrile gloves, and Nina enthusiastically strapping on a bright red dildo by Vixen Creations. Nina’s voice is like silk, half loving mentor and half fearsome, paddle-wielding CEO, and Sara plays her role as the much-adored office angel as if she’s been doing it all her life. A definite must-watch, even if you don’t like porn with plot.



Episode 81 – 9, Chocolate Chip & Cinnamon

I was going to call this one a cuddle party but I think it’s more of a babe pile? I’m not 100% sure on what the difference is, exactly, but I know a babe pile when I see one and this is definitely a certified pile o’ babes.

There’s a lot of lovely lingerie to be admired in this scene, dildo blowies, a beauuuuuutiful shimmery teal dildo that I can’t identify, double nipple sucking, black gloves (I’ve developed a serious Thing for gloves after getting a CrashPad subscription) and someone half-moaning, ‘oh, you guys got lipstick all over me!’. It’s not something you ever skip through to get the ‘good bits’, watching the whole scene unfold is half the joy and at times it seems less like three seperate people and more like a writhing mass of soft limbs and mouths suspended on wrinkled sheets. Divine.

You can view all the performer’s profiles and a small preview clip of each episode over at Crash Pad Series, and to join click here! I highly, highly recommend it, and it’s a great way to support an indie company who truly cares about their work.