apricot creams sex toy reviews | i like fruit & fake dicks

I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for an unacceptable amount of time (I posted the first instalment in June, oops) because over summer I a) had a lot of technical difficulties, b) work! and c) I was really busy being the best sexy deviant nightmare bisexual from hell that I could ever dream of being. Sorry. But it’s all a-okay and I’m back again! Keep your eyes peeled for a review of a dildo shaped like Jesus in the next few days, because that’s something that I’m into now, followed by yet more reviews (I’m so excited!) and my first ever giveaway at the end of the month.

Anyway. Back to the porn – oh, the porn, there’s so much of it and it’s all so good and it was so hard – heh – choosing, I thought I’d have to do a top fifty or something because really, that is the only way I’d be able to cram in every single episode that makes my heart race especially hard. But I can’t do that. So here’s the other part of my top ten, and five more reasons why you should buy yourself a Crash Pad Series subscription.

 

Episode 46 – Mariah Cherry Christmas Special & Maybelline

So you know how people have their go-to’s? Like, your go-to hot drink order or your go-to lube or your go-to outfit? This is my go-to porn episode. It has everything I like in it! It never gets old! And I maintain that this could easily be cut into any given John Waters film (Polyester, anyone? C’mon. HAIRSPRAY.) and you wouldn’t know that it was never supposed to be there, so in my eyes it’s perfect. A femme paradise populated by sorority girls in nighties and armed with bags of sticky marshmallows.

The behind-the-scenes for this episode is very engaging and a really good watch, too – I’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing because that would be rude but you get to hear a little bit about how it came to be, Mariah Cherry and Maybelline’s concept behind the whole thing (‘We’re like U.N Ambassadors of nasty sexuality’); you basically get to listen to two artists talk about their work and their process and it’s fucking beautiful. A*.

 

Episode 106 – Joan & Vai

This episode made me wonder why I’ve never used a ball of wool as a ball gag. I mean, aside from the fact that I don’t knit and have no use for a ball of wool, it seems pretty ideal – it certainly muffled Vai’s adorable shrieks during this scene. Look at that blindfold, too! Where do you even get a blindfold like that? It’s like it was made for me.

This scene features a lot of cute props – a slingshot, a toy hammer, the wool gag – it’s kind of like if two grown up scouts got lost in the forest and found a comfy cottage with a camera convieniently pointed at the bed. There’s a lot of butt stuff, some strap-on goodness, impact play and lovely loud noises from Vai, so if you’re sensitive to high pitched squeals and slaps you might want to turn your volume down a tad.

 

Episode 130 – rife & Vespur

This scene combines three of my favourite things – butt stuff, godly bone structure, and good lighting. Seriously, the lighting is this is gorgeous, soft and subtle and warm and gently illuminating up the sleek pair on the bed. Not that they’re gentle with each other, mind; there’s scrunched up faces and intense, deep thrusts, a sweaty sheen on everything and animalistic sounds I’m not accustomed to hearing in porn. It’s that very ‘I haven’t seen you in weeks, why did we go for drinks when I just want to go to bed with you?’ type of lust, the kind that simmers in your belly. Slow-burning and hot.

In addition to being totally enamoured with the, uh, fucking itself, I think I may have developed a weird crush on the two performers? For example, Vespur’s turn ons list is a sight to behold. A couple of the things they mention – rural kitchens, gay cowboys, penetration overwhelm, unexpected glamour, bondage in nature (this just reminds me that I need to frolic in some reeds with someone soon, heyyyyy), raw honey, reflective surfaces and soaking you in cum. Based on this and the way the light hits their butter-smooth cheekbones, I feel like we’d get along. rife is just as delightful, with ‘dyke cock, gender fuckery, leather, tattoos, & rope’ in his turn ons list and one of those ‘I’m so clever’ walks, all lean legs and hip. Ugh. Go watch it already; I need to cool off.

 

Episode 172 – The Boss starring Nina Hartley & Sara Vibes

If the promise of living legend Nina Hartley padding around an office (Raven Clawz Studios) in a pair of fluffy bunny slippers and a sheer, crotchless bodystocking doesn’t convince you to watch this then nothing will, frankly. In case you hadn’t guessed already, in this Crash Pad episode Sara Vibes acts as Nina’s devoted assistant in a genuinely believable boss/secretary-assistant-PA dynamic that brings happy tears to my eyes. And vagina.

It also features a lot of affectionate cuddle-heavy body worship, facesitting (I looooooove), the illustrious Hitachi, nitrile gloves, and Nina enthusiastically strapping on a bright red dildo by Vixen Creations. Nina’s voice is like silk, half loving mentor and half fearsome, paddle-wielding CEO, and Sara plays her role as the much-adored office angel as if she’s been doing it all her life. A definite must-watch, even if you don’t like porn with plot.

 

Episode 81 – 9, Chocolate Chip & Cinnamon

I was going to call this one a cuddle party but I think it’s more of a babe pile? I’m not 100% sure on what the difference is, exactly, but I know a babe pile when I see one and this is definitely a certified pile o’ babes.

There’s a lot of lovely lingerie to be admired in this scene, dildo blowies, a beauuuuuutiful shimmery teal dildo that I can’t identify, double nipple sucking, black gloves (I’ve developed a serious Thing for gloves after getting a CrashPad subscription) and someone half-moaning, ‘oh, you guys got lipstick all over me!’. It’s not something you ever skip through to get the ‘good bits’, watching the whole scene unfold is half the joy and at times it seems less like three seperate people and more like a writhing mass of soft limbs and mouths suspended on wrinkled sheets. Divine.

You can view all the performer’s profiles and a small preview clip of each episode over at Crash Pad Series, and to join click here! I highly, highly recommend it, and it’s a great way to support an indie company who truly cares about their work.