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The Mia 2 was very kindly sent to me by Barbara Kelly.

The Mia is soooooo pretty. In fact, it’s soooooo pretty that I thought about setting up one of those ridiculous photos for it, where you have a beautiful buttery-soft leather handbag lying on its side, with a brand new lipstick spilling out next to a nail polish in a corresponding colour, then something totally irrational, like a fresh flower or a pearl necklace, and in the middle of it all, your luxxxury clit vibe, inexplicably without a storage bag and somehow completely intact and free from cat hair/lint/general dirt. Who keeps a £15 lipstick knocking around in the bottom of their bag anyway? I don’t care how well groomed or neat you are, if you keep doing that one day you’ll stick your hand in there to feel around for your wallet or something and come out with the tips of your fingers covered in Creme d’Nude or Ruby Woo or whatever it is that floats your fancy lipstick boat. I like Morange, personally. Why don’t I live in a world where I can match my sex toys to my mouth?*

My Mia came to me in a very discreet brown box with no clue to what’s inside, which I’m thankful for – I normally buy from the same two companies and whenever I order from a new one I’m terrified it’ll arrive emblazoned with ‘FOREVER DONGS – YOUR PREMIUM RUBBERWANG WHOLESALERS’ or something, but no worries here. The Lelo packaging was as classy as ever, and it comes with a manual, storage bag, sachet of Lelo lube and a registration card.

The Mia 2 likes to tout itself as being travel-friendly, thanks to the relatively subtle shape and size – I’m not entirely sold that other people wouldn’t twig what the pink and purple versions are, but the black one looks pretty innocuous – and the lock function, which you can enable by pressing down on the + and – buttons at the same time for three seconds, which means if I want to travel with it I don’t have to do that thing where you swaddle it in a pair of tights or three and then sit gripped with fear just in case it goes off for the whole length of your journey. It’s also surprisingly light, I was expecting it to be way weightier than it was but it’s one of the most lightweight vibrators I’ve ever held, only slightly heavier than the Tracey Cox bullet I’ve shown it next to – that’s with the battery removed – and much lighter than both my Tango and Iroha Sakura. Also, it’s made of shiny ABS plastic which is easy to clean and attracts NO LINT AT ALL. Except for the silicone buttons. They will still attract lint. Ugh, lint.

Mia is simple to use and recharge – just plug into your laptop or computer, an LED under the buttons’ll flash to show that it’s charging, and when it’s done charging it’ll stop flashing but remain on to remind you, hey, I’m still here, you can unplug me now. You adjust the intensity of the constant vibration and skip through the pattern settings by pressing the + and – buttons respectively, and when you’re done you just hold the – button, where it does a rather satisfying downward scale until it turns itself off. I haven’t had the battery run out on me once but this is probably because the USB compels me to plug it in to charge after nearly every use. It’s just too easy! For your stats books, though, the longest time I’ve used it for so far has been around 45 minutes and it didn’t lose any strength towards the end of that time.

I’m definitely not a power queen. I go numb easily, and I don’t really like bullet vibes either because of how small they feel – ideally I need something with an indent or a broad surface area, or a lot of the time I end up giving up and finishing off with my fingers. Honestly, when I first started getting into sex toys properly, I assumed that the business end of the Mia was the angled end and I was more than a little disappointed when I found out that, no, actually, the smaller pinpoint-y is the functional end, but it’s an easy mistake to make – right? The angled end is actually a hollowed out lid to cover the USB, and the vibrations do make their way down there, but by the time they actually get there they’re obviously a lot weaker and I’d have to REALLY persevere to get off with them. I will say though, it’s good for when I get that weird post-orgasm hypersensitivity and can’t bear to just leave my poor clit by itself but I can’t stand anything on full power either.

Sometimes it seems like vibrators only ever carry two kinds of vibration: depressingly thin and halted entirely by the faintest amount of pressure, or they go so deep it feels like you could cause a minor landslide with them. The vibrations from the Mia are a great middle ground – not rumbly enough to like, frighten your cat with, but they’re not remotely buzzy. I genuinely think that the lower intensities should be the base for every boring basic £9.99 ‘ideal for beginners’ vibrator out there – they’re strong, they haven’t numbed me and they’re actually ‘whisper quiet’, the buzzword that’s printed on every shitty ABS plastic C-battery insertable out there. The lower intensities are a near-silent purr, the highest are only slightly louder, and I promise you, there’s no chance of anyone hearing this through a door or a wall or whatever even on the pattern settings. If you’re living in a shared house or maybe you’re just sensitive to sound, like I am, this is the ideal. This Is It.

The Mia is close to perfect. I hesitate to say that, but it’s just so convenient. It’s quiet. It’s rechargeable. It has an excellent vibration range. It doesn’t attract dust, it’s easy to clean, and it’s waterproof. I can take it anywhere with me with no pre-planning, no, god, better drain the battery and wrap this up in half my lingerie drawer in case it goes off on the train type of hassle. It’s so pretty that the prettiness rubs off on me and is capable of making me feel like a sexy and sophisticated person by proxy, like someone who wears minimalistic jewellery and gets a matching mani-pedi in a matte finish every five days**. If I had to recommend just one toy to a novice, this would be it. I can call this an all-purpose vibe like I call certain lubes all-purpose lubes, it’s everything I love about Lelo and if I was revoltingly wealthy I’d buy one for everyone I know, even the ones who ‘don’t see the point in sex toys’. I’d still like it better if the angled end really was the business end because it does feel a little bit small for me, but I can’t fault it otherwise.

The Mia 2 was sent to me by BarbaraKelly.co.uk in exchange for a review of the toy and their store. I had a lovely experience with them, their communication was great, and my item arrived within two days. Barbara Kelly offer free delivery to the UK on orders over £10, and they’re one of the few UK retailers to stock the Leaf line, Picobong, and the new PalmPower wand! They also offer a price match guarantee and excellent customer service. I was really happy to work with them, and they’re going on my I’d-use-’em-again list.

*If you desperately want to match your sex toys to your mouth, Hue seems like a pretty good match for Lelo’s petal pink?
**For about twenty minutes. C’mon, this is a sex toy, not a devastatingly attractive sugar daddy.