I think I might be fundamentally missing the point of the Hula Beads.
I’ve never been one for ‘love eggs’. It’s such a married-with-2-kids-and-a-silver-car thing – ‘hubby controlled this egg while we were in Tesco! it was such a turn on! lol!’ and all the ones I’ve experienced so far have been noisy and ugly. The Hula Beads are neither of these things, but they still didn’t work out for me. I’m starting think that I should stick to Lelo’s regular line in future, because me and this Insignia line just aren’t getting along like we’re supposed to.
Even though purple’s my least favourite colour, I’ve got to admit that the Hula Beads are ridiculously gorgeous. I have the deep rose set, and it’s a vampy, rich fuchsia offset by gold accents. I’m a total sucker for Lelo’s silicone; satin-smooth, it feels almost velvety, barely picks up dust, and covers the rigid inner workings with a silky, waterproof shell. They feel reassuringly sleek and weighty, but are let down a little by the highlights, which are disappointingly just gold-painted plastic. C’mon, Lelo – surely the £120 price tag warrants actual metal and not spraypainted ABS?
The Hula Beads are rechargeable and remote-controlled via ‘SenseMotion technology’ which essentially boils down to being able to control the included remote control by touch – tilting it, specifically. I reviewed the Ida previously and the remote was the only thing I liked about it, but I’m wondering if I got a faulty one this time round because I have absolutely no idea what it’s doing, ever. It vibrates! Noisily! Sometimes it refuses to turn off! It’s a neverending rollercoaster of adventure, that’s for sure. I’d try my Ida one with these to see there’s any difference, but it’s stopped working (I’ve not even had it a year?) and £29 for a replacement + £10 shipping isn’t an option.
If you don’t feel like wrestling with a temperamental remote control, your other option is switching modes via the teeny tiny button on the beads themselves, which is great, except for one thing – what are you meant to do when they’re inside you? Oh, that’s right, you pull them out and do it manually every time you want to switch it up. Or down. Or sideways.
If the Hula Beads had 3 modes I’d be okay with this, but they have fucking 8. I never thought I’d be longing for 3 continuous modes and a standard pulse, but here we are, slippery-fingered and swearing with frustration. At least the silicone retrieval cord isn’t stretchy enough to slap you in the vulva?
Depending on the kind of stimulation you like, the Hula Beads could work as a bullet vibrator for some people – as the tip slowly rotates, when lubed up it feels a little like a slow moving tongue. I think I’d like using them like this more if the vibrations were deeper – they’re definitely not high pitched and weak, but they feel shallow? They don’t feel like my body’s absorbing them properly. They’re also considerably noisier outside of the body, making a grating noise that sounds a little like a rotary whisk, although this is deadened significantly when they’re inserted.
Still. I was determined to find something to like about them because a) they’re really expensive and b) my Lelo rep was super sweet and I’d feel bad handing in a totally negative review. So my second idea was hey, why not put them in just before someone goes down on me? I do that with the Luna Beads, so surely it’d be even better with these?
It was…alright. I like having something to grip around when I come, so there’s that, but I’d prefer that something to press against my g-spot when I do and these miss the mark. If I’m really honest, I missed having my partner’s fingers in me. And the stuff in the copy about having the second bead lay outside the vaginal opening to ‘stimulate your labia’? I’d like to know if the bright spark who came up with that actually tried it. It doesn’t feel like anything; it’s a total non-event.
As their last test, I decided to test out their extended wear potential and take them to work. My reasoning behind this – my work has enough background noise to cover up any telltale vibrating noises, I’m usually left to my own devices and I spend about an equal time sitting down and on my feet. Perfect. Spinny chairs: the final frontier.
I took these to work on a short day, got in early, nipped to the toilets, turned them onto the third setting, lubed up, inserted them and went back to my desk. Hm. I spun around on my chair. I got up and moved things around for the sake of it. I did a little chair shuffle. I grinned inanely at people wandering in and out. Ha! Little did they know that I had a Cronenberg-esque rotating thing pulsating inside my vagina! I felt dirty, mildly uncomfortable and bored. I envied everyone without a tickly bauble in their orifices.
A little while passed. I was bored. It was quiet. I decided to try and push the Hula Beads to their very limit – I clenched hard, really hard, that kind of ‘your fingers are going to look like witch grapes if you ever get them out of me’ flex, and the rotation seemed to slow*, leaving a low, grinding ‘bbbbrrrrrrrrr’ noise emanating from under my jeans. And that’s when I’d had enough.
I’m bored with the Hula Beads. Disappointed. A bit sad.They have their fleeting moments of ‘oh, fuck, that’s good’ but the rest of the time? No. The orgasms they did give me (I counted three, and ‘helped along’ is probably more accurate) are not worth £120.
Overall: alien. Squirmy. Borderline ticklish. Too big. Too weird. Don’t buy these.
I was sent the Hula Beads by Lelo in exchange for my review. If you think the Hula Beads might work for you, they can be purchased direct from these guys –Lovehoney (UK based, intl) | Shevibe (US based, intl)
* I just want to make this clear – I gave these to my girlfriend to see if she could slow the rotation like I managed to and she said she couldn’t. I haven’t read any other reviews where other people have been able to do this either, so I’m just assuming that the lethal combination of frustration and boredom gives me the ‘vagina like a steel trap’ superpower. Your mileage may vary.