apricot creams sex toy reviews | i like fruit & fake dicks

I don’t share aesthetic preferences with my partners. Dream babe likes low tables, enough houseplants to ensure that there is a distinct trace of green and damp soil under the regular house smell; vanilla perfume, smoke, fog seeping in from outside. A balcony, high ceilings. An ever-present bowl of sticky dates on the kitchen countertop. Post arranged in a neat stack. A select few pictures neatly mounted on the walls – mounted, not blu-tacked or hanging haphazardly from a blue ribbon, secured with novelty bulldog clips.

Until six months ago I had no less than four strings of half-working fairy lights looped across the top of my mirror. I think I might be allergic to order – I blutack anything and everything to the walls, there are half-finished pieces of work propped up everywhere, I wake up surrounded by pillows, cushions and two hideous knitted blankets and my houseplants aren’t the glossy, elegant versions my girlfriend favours, they’re hopelessly overgrown and spilling green fronds over my bookcase, my desk, hanging from the ceiling. I aspire to a home that looks like a cross between John Waters’s house and Nick Cave’s womb room with a touch of absurdly wealthy cat lady.

So when I got these plugs from blush in the post, I was overjoyed and she was repulsed. I sent her a picture and she texted back a simple ‘NO’. Well, then.

Despite what dream babe might think of them, they’re the stuff of my daydreams, cute and campy and silly – I feel like I should be starring in some blurry, rose-hued vintage porno when I’m holding them.

You get the idea.

Both the Naughty & Naughtier Candy Heart plugs (could we not have a shorter title, maybe?) are made of firm, buttery silicone and come in two sizes with three colour options – small and large, and yellow, pink, and purple, each with a different message cut into the base. The small naughty candy heart plug clocks in at 5 inches in girth at the widest point, with 4 inches of insertable length, and the naughtier candy heart plug is considerably larger at 6 inches in girth and 4.5 inches of insertable length.

these look super tiny. they are not.

I wanted to call the smaller one a beginner plug but honestly, if you buy either of these expecting a super tiny plug, you’re in for a rude awakening. While the cone-shape is easy to work your way up on, the girthiest part comes up quickly and then you have that drastic size decrease onto the skinny neck, which gives an odd ‘popping’ sensation. Once it’s in, however, it’s one of the comfiest plugs I’ve ever had the pleasure of putting into my butt; the base is small and unobtrusive, looks cute nestled between my buttcheeks, and swivelling it around so the point faces towards my spine makes it fine for ‘extended wear’ – basically, walking around with it in, which is something I don’t do but apparently other people are keen on it. So.

The larger one is kind of…giant. I’m not adverse to bigger butt toys; I have the XL and XXL Julian Snelling plugs on my wishlist and I’m angling for a Pure Plug large & 2.0, but those are smooth and slippery – silicone, no matter how much lube I smother it in, doesn’t slide in quite as easily. For something in pastel lemon silicone with a heart shaped base, it’s pretty intimidating. And I was right to be intimated, because I’ve officially met my match and I can’t get this thing in my ass for the life of me.

I tried everything. I warmed up, I shut my eyes, I curled up on my side, I monitored my breathing, I lay flat and put pillows under my belly, I tried Sliquid Sassy, Please Cream, Sliquid Silk, and coconut oil all in succession, I went full crunchy and drank special chamomile-vanilla herbal tea that promised to calm my nerves, I spritzed expensive lemonbalm & lavender water on my sheets. I debated lighting a candle and praying.

I don’t know what to say. I thought I could handle it; I can’t. You know that weed lube that’s been floating around recently? I’m not saying that would work, but I am saying that I think it has potential.

I’m going to keep trying because it looks like a good plug and I’m stubborn – for god’s sake, it says fill me up on it and I will be filled – and hopefully there’ll be a triumphant update in the near future. That or I’m going to title all my future butt toy reviews ‘Look at all this stuff I can put in my ass (and this one thing I still can’t)’. God, my ego is bruised.

Unfortunately, I can’t find these available for sale anywhere in the UK (whyyyy?) but if you’re willing to pay shipping from the US, you can get them at early to bed – $18 for the small, $20 for the large. They even do bumper packs!

blush novelties sent me these in exchange for a review – thanks guys!