apricot creams sex toy reviews | i like fruit & fake dicks

True Life: My Dildo Nearly Turned Me Into A Kind-Of Sort-Of Bad Person.

I’m not kidding. I’m so infatuated with the ShareVibe that when I was offered one by a retailer a few days after I’d been sent this one I had to think twice about it. Would it be ethically iffy to accept it juuust so I could have a backup? Like, I could totally just neglect to mention that I’d already been sent one, right? That’s not lying, that’s…editing. Nobody would know! I could still review it for them!

Anyway. Of course I didn’t accept it because a) that would be horrible b) it wouldn’t be fair on the other needy vagina-havin’ people of this world and c) again, what on earth, that’s a horrible thing to do, I’m not Smaug, but I think that’s a fairly accurate representation of how much I like it and want it in my life forever. Consumed by greed: The ShareVibe story.

The ShareVibe is a brand spankin’ new strapless strap-on from Fun Factory, who already make a few in different sizes – xs, original, xl. It’s slightly different from the original Share in that it’s sleeker and less linear overall with no defined head or ridges on the bulb end, which I much prefer, and three colour choices – an eye-searing neon pink, dark purple or a peachy beige. To me the silicone feels slightly less ‘dry’ and draggy than the kind the original’s sculpted from but I don’t have one to hand to compare so take that with a pinch of salt. The silicone’s supple and bendy but with enough firmness that it doesn’t flip-flop all over the place like a soggy baguette, and the ‘revolutionary’ bullet compartment is tucked neatly away in the back.

Unfortunately, like nearly every Fun Factory product I’ve ever laid my greedy little hands on the ShareVibe attracts dust and lint like nothing else. If there is fuzz, it will find it. If there is pet fur, it will find it. If you leave it next to your comb for too long, it will fashion itself a dramatic cape out of all the hair on there when you’re not looking. Impromptu blowjobs are out of the question with this one – unless you’re in the bath/shower/aquatic environs of your choice.

I’d call the ShareVibe a Goldilocks size. It has versatility. The 5’5 circumference of the bulb end sounds intimidating on paper, but after a few orgasms and some Sliquid Sassy I’m usually fine – it stretches me out a little, but I haven’t found it painful and weirdly cloggy like I did the original Share. If I could change anything I’d give the shaft more of a g-spot curve and perhaps make it a little firmer for some added perkiness.

‘But – but – but I’m bored now!’ I hear you cry, ‘does it actually work? Does it stay in?’ And I can say that keeping the ShareVibe in place isn’t an issue for me – it does droop a little when standing, but curves so prettily towards my bellybutton when I lie on my back that I can forgive it that – but I can’t speak for other people. I can’t tell you if it’ll work for you. I’m sorry! There are so many factors to be taken into account: your anatomy, whether you get along with the texture of the silicone, lube, motion, friction, positioning, the strength of your kegel muscles.

I do fuck slightly differently with a strapless as opposed to a traditional dildo + harness set-up, I’ll say that – I think (unsupported by a harness, at least) they’re more suited to more intimate, slow grind fucking as opposed to like, ‘we’re on the fuck truck to pound town!’ frantic banging. It seems to work best for both me and my girlfriend in lazy doggy or with her on top, or variants on spooning. Sometimes it needs a guiding hand but I haven’t had it attempt to shoot out at speed, although sometimes it feels uncomfortable after repositioning or adjusting and I need to re-lube.

The bulb end isn’t so much something that lovingly seeks out my g-spot with precision and a gentle touch, it’s more of a ‘screw it, just get all up in there, it’ll have nowhere to hide’ all-over massage and it’s almost overwhelming. It’s the kind of thing that makes you moan unconsciously; pressure everywhere, full without being uncomfortable. I’m not normally much of a top/dick-wielder, but the Share’s bulb makes me one. That’s not to say it doesn’t take some getting used to as figuring out a good lube balance is more difficult than usual; you don’t want to overapply because then it’s going to slip away faster than a nervous haddock, but if you underapply in the hope that less lube = more security you’re probably just going to end up with some very sore bits and pieces.

Another thing I love is that I can successfully get myself off with it solo both ways, either inserting the bulb end and essentially tossing myself off or using the bulb as a handle for the shaft. More dildos should come with handles like this, they’re brilliant if you get hand or finger cramps.

Honestly, I didn’t have high hopes for the vibrating part of the ShareVibe experience. It is, after all, just a bullet – albeit a powerful one – nestled inside nearly a pound of dense silicone, and if that’s the one thing drawing you to this then yeah, you’re probably going to wind up disappointed. While the bullet provides a not-insignificant boost of vibration to the bulb end they pretty much give up and die about two inches into the shaft, fading into what can only be described as a tickle at the tip. It’s all a bit one-sided. The Share might be doing it’s best to bring people together but apparently the bullet is a selfish lover.

Oh, and this’ll break a thousand hearts; the We-Vibe Tango doesn’t fit in the bullet cave. Neither does the Lelo Mia 2, the Lovehoney Silencer bullet or the Rocks-Off 80mm. It’s beyond irritating that I can’t switch bullets if the included one (it retails at 39€, eek) runs out of juice and I can see people who are devoted to their Tangos viewing this as a dealbreaker, which makes me pretty sad.

Having said that, I’ve grown fond of the bullet that comes with it. It’s good! Really! Promise! I was expecting a tiny whiny impractical thing but it’s waterproof, usb rechargeable and host to some surprisingly intense vibrations – three patterns that I never use because they feel like there’s a few ball bearings frantically rolling around inside of it, and two continuous speeds. It’s difficult to categorise as either 100% buzzy or 100% rumbly as it seems to be a mix of both, the first continuous speed being hare-fast and high intensity and best for using slotted inside the Share, and the second slightly deeper and the one I prefer to use as a traditional bullet.

Oh, and amongst the usual warnings, the manual also tells you not to ‘poke the toy with pointy objects’. So. Uh. Don’t do that.

Despite the dampened vibrations and the bullet compatibility issue, I really do like the ShareVibe. I’m not sure if I can flat-out recommend it though because of all those variables, and 99€ is a lot of money – I’d say if you have a sex toy store near you that stocks it, go and check it out in the flesh, have a look at the silicone and assess the weight. Figure out if you can deal with those vibrations or if you’re going to need to craft yourself some kind of sleeping bag for your favourite bullet to sit in there comfortably. See how it sizes up to the other models.

If you do decide to get one and it doesn’t work out, don’t panic. There’s a knack to using a strapless and you might need a little bit of practice (life is a trial, what can I say) to get to grips with them, but please don’t get upset or angry with yourself if you find that it slips out; it’s a chunk of matte silicone that weighs nearly a full pound, there’s lube, there’s motion, pretty much everything’s working against you. You can adapt by buying a cheapie harness* or using positions that help to keep it more secure – get your partner to go on top, try lazy doggy with one leg straight and one hooked over your partner, spooning, get a handjob, see what sucking it does for you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here eating my dinner and admiring my lovely purple phallus.

I was sent the ShareVibe directly from the lovely people over at Fun Factory! You can snag yourself one for €99 from their website, or you can go to Lovehoney for £79.99, who have the UK exclusive on it.

I’m giving a purple ShareVibe away! Ends November 7th, enter here. Please read the description before entering as some restrictions apply.

* a 1.5 inch O-ring fits the ShareVibe comfortably, and it also fits into my SpareParts & RodeoH harnesses. I think that this type of harness would be good for keeping strapless’ in while maintaining skin-to-skin contact, maybe?