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Review – Fun Factory Share Vibe strapless strap-on

October 10, 2014 – 10:05 pm

sharevibe

True Life: My Dildo Nearly Turned Me Into A Kind-Of Sort-Of Bad Person.

I’m not kidding. I’m so infatuated with the ShareVibe that when I was offered one by a retailer a few days after I’d been sent this one I had to think twice about it. Would it be ethically iffy to accept it juuust so I could have a backup? Like, I could totally just neglect to mention that I’d already been sent one, right? That’s not lying, that’s…editing. Nobody would know! I could still review it for them!

Anyway. Of course I didn’t accept it because a) that would be horrible b) it wouldn’t be fair on the other needy vagina-havin’ people of this world and c) again, what on earth, that’s a horrible thing to do, I’m not Smaug, but I think that’s a fairly accurate representation of how much I like it and want it in my life forever. Consumed by greed: The ShareVibe story.

The ShareVibe is a brand spankin’ new strapless strap-on from Fun Factory, who already make a few in different sizes – xs, original, xl. It’s slightly different from the original Share in that it’s sleeker and less linear overall with no defined head or ridges on the bulb end, which I much prefer, and three colour choices – an eye-searing neon pink, dark purple or a peachy beige. To me the silicone feels slightly less ‘dry’ and draggy than the kind the original’s sculpted from but I don’t have one to hand to compare so take that with a pinch of salt. The silicone’s supple and bendy but with enough firmness that it doesn’t flip-flop all over the place like a soggy baguette, and the ‘revolutionary’ bullet compartment is tucked neatly away in the back.

Unfortunately, like nearly every Fun Factory product I’ve ever laid my greedy little hands on the ShareVibe attracts dust and lint like nothing else. If there is fuzz, it will find it. If there is pet fur, it will find it. If you leave it next to your comb for too long, it will fashion itself a dramatic cape out of all the hair on there when you’re not looking. Impromptu blowjobs are out of the question with this one – unless you’re in the bath/shower/aquatic environs of your choice.

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dildo queen of my world reviews steel

Review – njoy Pure Wand

July 11, 2014 – 5:48 pm

njoypuretwo

I am not the biggest fan of my vag.

I like other people’s. I like most vaginas – I think they’re great! They’re magical! They’re like flowers, or oysters! There’s a Georgia O’Keeffe print in the bathroom! But I have gender feelings about mine, big bad weird ugly gender feelings, and there’s no amount of ‘but look how pretty’ (validation via only ‘prettiness’ is not the way I want to go about anything in my life, but thanks) and ‘the human body is incredible’ (blech) that can make those go away.

But if anything’s going to make me happy that I have one, it’s the Pure Wand.

The njoy Pure Wand is a sleek curve of stainless steel that’s a pain in the butt to photograph and weighs in at a hefty 1.5lbs, or 680g – think a jar of golden syrup. It’s been carefully weighted and each end has a different circumference, the bigger bulb being 4.5 inches around and the smaller measuring 3.25 around. Completely smooth with a mirror shine – except for the njoy logo, which I think is in a brushed steel finish? – it’s a beautiful piece of work, and could probably do some serious damage if you were to drop it on your foot. Don’t do that.

STORYTIME – before I really begin, I feel like I kind of to have to mention squirting in some capacity* here as this has been touted time and time again as some kind of divining rod for prostates and g-spots alike. I don’t squirt. I’ve done it twice, hated it, and I have no interest in doing it again. This is a non-negotiable thing. I’m sure the Pure Wand is more than capable of making me squirt again, it definitely feels like it could – but I can’t help anyone with that. Sorry fronds.

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A Touch of Glass Double-O glass dildo review

March 18, 2014 – 10:18 pm

swirlynewI was mainly attracted to the Double-O because of the colour. It’s a beautiful rich bottle green and when you hold it up to the sunshine it almost shimmers, it projects streams of lime green light onto the walls and if there were a way to keep it suspended in mid-air, like a classy version of one of those very early 2000’s hanging decorations that all my friends had stuck to their bedroom ceilings – I was jaw-clenchingly jealous of everyone who had those because my mum wouldn’t let me ‘wreck our house for the sake of a glitterball’ – GOD, mum – or maybe keep it perched regally on two tall pillars of glass? Pyrex? I would.

Unfortunately, I’m not clever enough to make either of those wildly impractical things so I just have to keep it in the lovely teal storage bag it came with. I can’t stress enough how ENTHUSED I am about it coming with a storage bag. I’m so over having to buy my own bags for things.

The Double-O is fairly slim, and measures just shy of 8 inches long. It’s got a distinct bend to it, each textured half curves upwards and with the bulbous ends it’s no surprise that it’s marketed mainly as a g-spot stimulator. The two textures each provide different sensations – one side has large, evenly spaced bumps, and the other a long, slender swirl. I’m not going to say it’s butt safe because it doesn’t have a flared base – I guess you could count the opposing bulb as a barrier of some kind, but I wouldn’t risk it. We all know how I feel about buttholes.

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dildo glass icicles never again pink reviews

Icicles Rose (no. 12) glass dildo review

February 23, 2014 – 9:36 pm

rosey66I’m going to be totally honest and say that the Icicles rose doesn’t really appeal to me aesthetically, it actually kind of reminds me of those cheap mock-Murano sculptures you find in like, the Home section of Sainsburys. But when I’m looking at something to stick in my vagina I’m not that concerned about whether I’d want to leave it out my bookshelf or not – although, coincidentally, I have done that. And everyone knew what it was, probably because they know me well enough to twig that I’d never buy something that looked like this unless it served a higher purpose.

The Rose is nearly eight inches long and fairly slim but it has a bunch of differing measurements thanks to all those bulbs – the girthiest part, the bud, measures 5″ around, the middle bulb 4″ around, and the bottom bulb 5″ again. The skinny bit, the stem I guess, thins out to 1″ directly under the bud and the piece above the fattest bottom bulb is 2″. It’s completely straight, has a flared base, no g-spot or p-spot bend, and any texture is restricted to the bud, which has sculpted petal detailing that’s good for clit stimulation. Allegedly.

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Tantus Cush 02 review

February 17, 2014 – 12:24 am
cush3

I probably should’ve put a jumper on that wasn’t covered in paint before I took this. Sorry to ruin your big moment, cush.

The Cush is all kinds of adorable for something that’s seven inches long and so girthy that I can only just fit my whole hand around the widest part. I received mine in the candy colour, which looks like someone poured a carton of semi-melted strawberry sorbet into a dildo mould and let it set, and as it’s from Tantus’ dual density O2 line it’s got this plush outerlayer that’s especially squishable (is that a word? I’m making it a word) at the tip – I can pinch and prod at this thing all day! It’s like one of those desktop stress relievers, except it’s phallic and you put it in your various orifices. For stress relief. And orgasms.

The Cush is a chubby little cutie – it measures just shy of 6 inches around over the bulgy tip, the prominent ridge midway down the shaft and at the base, where it feels firmest and the outerlayer is thinnest. It’s safe for butt stuff and even fits into my RodeoHs, but it causes major sagging and I have to wander around with this piece of semi-translucent silicone dangling between my thighs like a cowboy. The soft matte silicone attracts every bit of dust within a two foot radius, although not as badly as my other, shinier, grippier Tantus toys do (Goddess & Splash), but I would not advise an impromptu dildo-blowie unless you’ve just given it a good rinse. Even I don’t know why I keep doing that, you’d think I’d know better by now but I guess all my primary school teachers were right and I’m doomed to go through life getting lint in my mouth one way or another.

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